Need someone to talk to.

[djharris79]

So, I have been on a process of trying to be true to myself. Trying to accept who I am. But the thing is I can never seem to do so due to the fact that every time I take a step forward further "out of the closet" I take three steps back. Thanks to my family and the people I care most. As I sat and listen to them telling each other that being gay is some how a choice and that we can turn it off or some how pray for it to go away, made me so mad. I'm mad because they don't know about me and they talk about it in front of me not knowing anything about it. I'm mad because I wanted to tell them that, it is not a choice and that a person is born gay, just like you were born straight but can't. They talk about other gay people and sort make funny jokes or ask questions that sort of creates a picture that gay people are somehow bad. I'm mad because I couldn't defend myself because I'm still hiding. They use religion as a part of their argument as to why it is not right to be gay. They give an example of a gay man who is married to a woman because he prayed and now he is "straight". I am mad because I wanted to tell them that just because he is married to a woman doesn't make him straight. I wanted to tell them that religiously you have to be honest and therefore making a gay man who have to hide who he is in order to confine to society or your belief is a lie which is a sin. I wanted to ask them, whether it is okay to lie according their religion, but I couldn't. I was raised in a society where gay was viewed as bad and sort of an embarrassment, I don't want to say anything bad about Christianity because I consider myself as a Christian, but I think it is that belief that has created a lot of ignorance that my family have over gay people. And the saddest part of it, is that I hate myself and I am embarrassed about myself, which is the reason why I haven't totally come out. I have told my sisters and they are fine with it. My sisters treat me the same, like nothing is change, which is awesome. I hope and wish the rest of my family would gain some sort of an insight or gain some knowledge about homosexuality so that they can understand what it's like. I am surrounded by them all the time and having to listen to constant put down is overwhelmingly depressing and it is making me even more embarrassed about who I am. I am hoping that I would move away from here so that I could concentrate on me really truly accepting who I am and actually be proud for what I am. I push people away and I don't allow people to be close to and I am unhappy most of the time mostly because I believe it is the fact that I haven't truly accept who I truly am. What I need advice in is that, what can I do to help me accept who I am? I am scared to tell my family because I am afraid of their reaction, I am afraid of the thoughts and the judgements or whatever they might be thinking about me? Should I surround myself with people like me but who accept and are happy with themselves to help me be able to accept me, will that work?

[MikeW]

… every time I take a step forward further "out of the closet" I take three steps back. Thanks to my family and the people I care most. As I sat and listen to them telling each other that being gay is some how a choice and that we can turn it off or some how pray for it to go away, made me so mad. I'm mad because they don't know about me and they talk about it in front of me not knowing anything about it. ...

Well, I hear ya. It's difficult to be in the closet and have to listen to family and other people you care about and would like to feel connected to say things that put you down and make you feel less of yourself.

There are two problems here… one is their ignorance and lack of sensitivity and the other is your own shame and fear. It's understandable. Sexuality in general isn't something most people talk about openly and without shame or guilt or embarrassment. So, here you are in a situation where you're feelings are being disrespected and to even begin to correct the situation it means breaching that embarrassment and confessing something that, in fact, really isn't anyone else's business. It's just so much easier when one *is* what everyone *assumes* one is (i.e., hetero). Then there's nothing to "come out" about.

Unfortunately, that's not your situation, not the hand you've been dealt.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to finally screw up the courage to say to your family something like, "Look, I wish I didn't have to tell you this but the fact is I do. I have to tell you because I have feelings that you don't understand and you have judgements about. And these judgements are causing me to feel badly about myself and disconnected from you, like I can't really be apart of this family. I don't want to feel this way but I can't change my sexuality to please you or anyone, even myself. I am what I am and I would like to be accepted by you. But if you can't accept me for who I am, I don't know how I can continue to be apart of this family…" Or whatever the true words are for you.

OR…you can just move as far away from them as you can get and live on your own and just never tell them. That's another option (although a not very satisfactory one, all in all).

The thing is, you have to get their attention. You have to insist that if they love you, that they listen to you and not just assume they understand you because of what they've heard on TV or heard other people say.

It is a big deal. It's a big deal to come to terms with it in yourself, to accept that you can't change and that basically there's nothing wrong with you. You're just "different" -- and you're not unique in this difference. There are lots of other guys who feel this way.

So, I don't know, man. I'm willing to talk with you about it but the reality is somehow or other you have to come to terms with it inside yourself. Nothing I or anyone else says is really going to matter if you don't try to understand it for yourself. Then there's the whole other question of to what extent you want to deal with it in relation to family and friends. Yeah, in an ideal world, it wouldn't make any difference… but unfortunately that isn't the world we live in. It sucks, but there you have it.

[Beaux]

So, I have been on a process of trying to be true to myself. Trying to accept who I am. But the thing is I can never seem to do so due to the fact that every time I take a step forward further "out of the closet" I take three steps back. Thanks to my family and the people I care most. As I sat and listen to them telling each other that being gay is some how a choice and that we can turn it off or some how pray for it to go away, made me so mad. I'm mad because they don't know about me and they talk about it in front of me not knowing anything about it. I'm mad because I wanted to tell them that, it is not a choice and that a person is born gay, just like you were born straight but can't. They talk about other gay people and sort make funny jokes or ask questions that sort of creates a picture that gay people are somehow bad. I'm mad because I couldn't defend myself because I'm still hiding. They use religion as a part of their argument as to why it is not right to be gay. They give an example of a gay man who is married to a woman because he prayed and now he is "straight". I am mad because I wanted to tell them that just because he is married to a woman doesn't make him straight. I wanted to tell them that religiously you have to be honest and therefore making a gay man who have to hide who he is in order to confine to society or your belief is a lie which is a sin. I wanted to ask them, whether it is okay to lie according their religion, but I couldn't. I was raised in a society where gay was viewed as bad and sort of an embarrassment, I don't want to say anything bad about Christianity because I consider myself as a Christian, but I think it is that belief that has created a lot of ignorance that my family have over gay people. And the saddest part of it, is that I hate myself and I am embarrassed about myself, which is the reason why I haven't totally come out. I have told my sisters and they are fine with it. My sisters treat me the same, like nothing is change, which is awesome. I hope and wish the rest of my family would gain some sort of an insight or gain some knowledge about homosexuality so that they can understand what it's like. I am surrounded by them all the time and having to listen to constant put down is overwhelmingly depressing and it is making me even more embarrassed about who I am. I am hoping that I would move away from here so that I could concentrate on me really truly accepting who I am and actually be proud for what I am. I push people away and I don't allow people to be close to and I am unhappy most of the time mostly because I believe it is the fact that I haven't truly accept who I truly am. What I need advice in is that, what can I do to help me accept who I am? I am scared to tell my family because I am afraid of their reaction, I am afraid of the thoughts and the judgements or whatever they might be thinking about me? Should I surround myself with people like me but who accept and are happy with themselves to help me be able to accept me, will that work?

I do understand your discomfort, because I once felt EXACTLY the same way. My absolute best advice on how to handle this? Add "Dear Mother" to the top of what you just wrote and give it to her...
~Beaux

[TwisttheLeaf]

First, man? You don't have to be gay to defend gay rights and gay equality. Which means you don't have to be out of the closet to stand up to someone and say "Hey, you're being an ass. AND, you're wrong."

It might create some jeering and speculation, but the fact is? All you have to do is ignore it and deflect rather than falling into it and admitting you're gay.

Now, I have to admit, I've never been in the closet. Nor have I ever allowed my parents or anyone else to force me to be anything other than what I am. So I don't have experience with that, yeah? My father was an ass and he hated my sexuality, berated me and pretty much worked to tear me down every day of my life until the day I emancipated at 16.

BUT, I feel that you shouldn't allow them to cow you. Which brings me to this....

I hate myself and I am embarrassed about myself, which is the reason why I haven't totally come out.

I am surrounded by them all the time and having to listen to constant put down is overwhelmingly depressing and it is making me even more embarrassed about who I am.

A lot of what you say in your post is excellent. About religion. About it not being a choice. About lying. About their hatred speech being wrong.

You can see ALL that. So I would hope you could see that their behavior is what has -stemmed- this self hatred in YOU. You need to realize that their opinions are shit... and -wrong-. Not just on a theoretical level, but on an internal personal level as well. You reject what they say in theory, but you're accepting it for yourself, in your heart.

Stop that. (I know it's not that easy, but realizing you're doing it is the first step.) Be proud of who you are, man. You are clearly intelligent and strong opinioned. Use that to remind yourself that YOU are as worthy of being yourself, and being a strong, proud gay man, as any other gay man.

I hope and wish the rest of my family would gain some sort of an insight or gain some knowledge about homosexuality so that they can understand what it's like.

It may have to be YOU who creates this education and understanding, man. Sometimes, that's the way it has to be. People aren't willing to change their views until it happens to THEM in some context.

I am hoping that I would move away from here.... I am scared to tell my family because I am afraid of their reaction, I am afraid of the thoughts and the judgements or whatever they might be thinking about me?

Are you living with your family? Are you -dependent- upon them financially? If so, I suggest before you come out to them that you make sure you are able to move out and can be financially independent. This is a safety precaution, in case it takes them time to accept you coming out, you don't want them kicking you out in the middle of the process.

I think [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] advice on confronting the issue is excellent, btw.

As for the fear of their thoughts and judgements. Are you psychic? How can you possibly know what they think or what their judgements are unless they voice them?

I had this problem with a different issue. A few years ago, I was home during a home invasion and attacked. It resulted in a facial scar on my that is... quite obvious. For the first time in my life, I had a hard time being in public and talking to people. I grew my hair to hide my face, but the fact is that even that didn't work really well. Every time someone glanced at my scar I assumed it was with disgust, morbid curiosity, etc.

Over time, in truth, what I've found is that if I pretend the scar isn't there? Most people don't even look at it, and those that do, it's not with negative connotations at all. But for a LONG time, I couldn't see that. I insisted I -knew- what they were thinking and whatever it was was BAD. It tore down my self confidence, made it excruciating to go out in public, etc.

Don't let what you -think- others might be thinking (because you can't know what they're thinking unless your psychic) keep you down, or tear you down.

Should I surround myself with people like me but who accept and are happy with themselves to help me be able to accept me, will that work?

Yes. Although people "like you" isn't entirely needed. You need to surround yourself with people who accept you and are happy with themselves. Not necessarily just gay people, but GOOD people.

[Lexington]

I do understand your discomfort, because I once felt EXACTLY the same way. My absolute best advice on how to handle this? Add "Dear Mother" to the top of what you just wrote and give it to her...

This, really. As long as your parents/family/friends think that gay people are some sort of "other", they'll continue to deride them. We often say that homophobia is simply a form of ignorance, and I agree with that. But ignorance doesn't just vanish. The only way to fight ignorance is with education, and unless they all decide to go educate themselves, somebody is going to have to educate them. And it seems like that person is going to have to be you.

And no, this isn't easy. But until somebody does, they're not going to change. It may be you simply have to get to the point where the anger/hurt of being derided finally overwhelms the fear that keeps you closeted.

Lex

[Rareboy]

Listen to Lex.

[CellarDweller]

You've gotten great advice from people. The only other thing I would add is that when we fear something, we make it much bigger in our minds.

It's very possible that your parents/family will be accepting, after the initial shock wears off.

You won't know unless you tell them, whether in person or letter.