Virgin and Newbie

[C6A08]

Hi guys, how's your day.

I am 40 years old, and haven't had any boyfriend or even sex in my entire life, with any guy or girl. Never kiss anyone's lips too. Literally a 40-year-old virgin just like the title of that movie. I just didn't believe in pre-marital sex before this and therefore no casual sex for all my life. Now that I start seeking homosexual love and since marriage is not in the list of my gay life, I begin to open myself to sex and intimacy with my first love in the future.

There are a few issues that concern me. I'd like to hear your thoughts and comments in order for me to know the right and wrong of my mindset.

1. I am always reluctant to tell people that I am a virgin and sexually inexperienced. I don't want the guys to like me or date me with the intention that they get to taste the first bite and then say goodbye. It will hurt me a lot, being used sexually. I want my first night to be special and memorable with a guy that truly loves me. Make "love" - it has to have love. I notice many guys are crazy about virgins, but some also said they would very much love their boyfriends who lost the virginity to them because it made them feel special. How true is that?

2. I always prefer or hope to find a boyfriend who is also a virgin. Firstly, it's because of decency shown in him that he doesn't sleep around and has the same "special first time" thought like mine. Secondly, as we are both inexperienced, there will be no expectation, comparison and embarrassment if we do things wrong. Silly huh? However, virgins are rare nowadays, and it's said that having an experienced sex partner will make me feel better and lead me to a great sex. Which one is better?

3. Is it important to be a good kisser? Again, I am worried about my first kiss creating the mess and shock to my kisser if he turns out to be experienced and notices my odd kissing. I was once told by a jerk who knew about my virginity and "kissless" past, that he would teach me how to kiss if we ever made out. What the hell.... Should kissing be taught to follow some kind of standards and styles or should it just go with feelings and mood and the flow at that moment? Tell me please.

Whenever I chat with the gay guys and am asked for my sexual position, I often lied about it, that I've had boyfriends before, I am versatile...etc. And when I chat with a potential guy and realise he is not a virgin or has had oral sex with someone, it just turns me off right away and I will lose interest in him.

Should I change my mindset and emphasis on virginity and special first night? Should I hold onto my principles?

[MikeW]

Should I change my mindset and emphasis on virginity and special first night? Should I hold onto my principles?

You should do what you want to do and have realistic expectations. I agree, the chances of finding someone who is a virgin like yourself is not very likely.

But to do so, you will have to make it known that you ARE a virgin yourself and that you are looking for a virgin like yourself. Keeping it a secret because "I don't want the guys to like me or date me with the intention that they get to taste the first bite" is just ridiculous. It's what we call a psychological "knot" a "catch 22" a "damned if you do and damned if you don't," "shooting yourself in the foot," guarantee you'll NEVER find what you're looking for.

You apparently have no idea how difficult it is to find a partner, someone you really "click" with on a lot of levels. What you've done by having this mindset is narrow the possible candidates down to almost zero. Of course, miracles do happen. You may very well find someone *exactly* like yourself, a 40 yo virgin or, even if not 40, a total virgin with whom you find a mutual attraction and you'll end up falling in love and living happily ever after. I suppose it *could* happen like that.

But, frankly, to me that just sounds like some sort of fairy tale designed to keep one's self safe from ever having to experience the joys and sorrows, pleasures and pains OF REAL LIFE.

So, bottom line, if you're happy being a 40yo virgin and want to stay that way, definitely don't change your mindset or give up on your highly idealized romantic "principles".

[Lexington]

Welcome to the site! Some ideas on your post.

1. I am always reluctant to tell people that I am a virgin and sexually inexperienced. I don't want the guys to like me or date me with the intention that they get to taste the first bite and then say goodbye. It will hurt me a lot, being used sexually. I want my first night to be special and memorable with a guy that truly loves me. Make "love" - it has to have love. I notice many guys are crazy about virgins, but some also said they would very much love their boyfriends who lost the virginity to them because it made them feel special. How true is that?

This can get sort of tricky. The longer you take to lose your virginity, the more....well, "sacred" one seems to hold it. It no longer becomes just a matter of "I want to have a good time losing my virginity". It becomes "I want it to be 'special'." And that can be problematic.

For instance, the first time you rode a bicycle, it probably wasn't like this:



It was probably more like this:



Why? Well, because you were new at it. You hadn't learned what to do, and how to make your body move to accomplish what you wanted to do.

And honestly, first time sex is a lot like that. There's a lot of fumbling around, some lost balance, and you might even fall off once or twice. But it can still be enjoyable and exciting. It's the first step towards learning this skill that (hopefully) you can continue to improve on, and enjoy for the rest of your life. The only real disappointment comes if you're expecting something like that top picture. Because it probably won't be. Expect it to be a learning experience.

That doesn't mean your choice of partner isn't important - it is. You DO want somebody who knows it's your first time, who wants to make it as enjoyable as possible for you. I've had sex with a couple of virgins (and one was almost your age), and they were both awesome. But I went in with the right expectations. I KNEW they were virgins, and were looking to me to take the lead. Which meant I took things really slow, made them feel at ease, and let them set the agenda as far as what they wanted to try. I wouldn't have done that had they not told me - I would've assumed they knew what they were doing, and it probably wouldn't have gone as well.

And yeah, some guys just want to hit it and quit. But there are guys out there who enjoy giving a guy a good first time. You just need to do something of a vetting process to make sure you end up with one of those.

2. I always prefer or hope to find a boyfriend who is also a virgin. Firstly, it's because of decency shown in him that he doesn't sleep around and has the same "special first time" thought like mine. Secondly, as we are both inexperienced, there will be no expectation, comparison and embarrassment if we do things wrong. Silly huh? However, virgins are rare nowadays, and it's said that having an experienced sex partner will make me feel better and lead me to a great sex. Which one is better?

I would definitely suggest an experienced partner. Simply because it's always better when somebody knows what the hell they're doing. My first time was with another virgin. And I won't say we didn't have a good time, but it was easily the worst sexual experience I've ever had. It was something like two buses repeatedly ramming into one another. When you're both new at it, there's a lot of looking at each other, wondering what happens next, and wondering if you're doing it all right. When an experienced guy is taking the lead, he can get you where you want to go a lot smoother.

I can understand the embarrassment of not being as experienced as the other guy in bed. But here's the thing about sex. A lot of it is about getting naked, not just physically but emotionally. It's about letting your guard down, and opening yourself up to possibilities - appearing to somebody without any "masks" or disguises. You're just you. And there's something very liberating about that. And that includes being able to say "I'm completely new at this, so I'll be looking to you to help make my first time a good one. Are you open to doing that for me?"

3. Is it important to be a good kisser? Again, I am worried about my first kiss creating the mess and shock to my kisser if he turns out to be experienced and notices my odd kissing. I was once told by a jerk who knew about my virginity and "kissless" past, that he would teach me how to kiss if we ever made out. What the hell.... Should kissing be taught to follow some kind of standards and styles or should it just go with feelings and mood and the flow at that moment? Tell me please.

I never took kissing classes - it's something you pretty much "learn by doing". Best bet - once you find the guy you feel comfortable with, just keep doing it (and asking for feedback). Keep in mind that not everybody likes kissing the same way. I was with a guy once where the kissing was unbelievably sloppy, which some guys would hate....but I found it the hottest thing in the world.

Lex

[Cuddly]

I'd say you're too focussed on the virgin part.

I don't consider it an achievement to be your first and I don't think it's particularly attractive.

I do understand that you want it to be with somebody who means something, but as MikeW points out, finding a gay partner isn't easy to begin with and I imagine it to be alot harder still as a 40 y o virgin.

[Beaux]

I don't believe you. I find it virtually inconceivable that we suddenly have not one, not two, but THREE virgins (aged 27-40) suddenly sign up on this forum in less than one week.
What is the end game for someone who signs up multiple accounts on GaySpeak for sole purpose of misrepresenting themselves? I don't know, but it is more than distasteful, it is SAD.

I piety you,
~Beaux

[East]

If you are equating virginity with decency then I wouldn't expect much in the future. It is indicative of a bigger problem IMO.

I would focus on that if you want things to change.

I only focused on that one thing because I see that as the real problem and addressing anything else seems pointless.

Of course...if you want to hold on to your principles...I think you should do that. Be true to yourself...and please stay away from guys who are not virgins as they turn you off anyway....saves them and you alot of time...win/win!

[East]

I don't believe you. I find it virtually inconceivable that we suddenly have not one, not two, but THREE virgins (aged 27-40) suddenly sign up on this forum in less than one week.
What is the end game for someone who signs up multiple accounts on GaySpeak for sole purpose of misrepresenting themselves? I don't know, but it is more than distasteful, it is SAD.

I piety you,
~Beaux

There are two more? Where have I been?

[meridannight]

I am 40 years old, and haven't had any boyfriend or even sex in my entire life, with any guy or girl. Never kiss anyone's lips too.

1. I am always reluctant to tell people that I am a virgin and sexually inexperienced. I don't want the guys to like me or date me with the intention that they get to taste the first bite and then say goodbye. It will hurt me a lot, being used sexually. I want my first night to be special and memorable with a guy that truly loves me. Make "love" - it has to have love. I notice many guys are crazy about virgins, but some also said they would very much love their boyfriends who lost the virginity to them because it made them feel special. How true is that?

not true in my case. i am much more attracted to guys who are sexually experienced.

and virginity being a special thing doesn't apply when you've passed a certain age. a 31-year-old guy being a virgin, it's not special, it's pathetic. this thing with guys wanting to pop someone's cherry, they're usually talking about 16-year-olds, 17-18-19-year-olds. by the time you hit 30 (actually way before then) you're supposed to be a sexually experienced adult man. not having had sex before the age of 30, or worse, is indicative of some dysfunction. physical or social.

and yeah [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION], where is the third one? i only know this, and the 31-year-old. and i thought this thread was by that 31-year-old before i checked it.

[Lexington]

and virginity being a special thing doesn't apply when you've passed a certain age. a 31-year-old guy being a virgin, it's not special, it's pathetic. this thing with guys wanting to pop someone's cherry, they're usually talking about 16-year-olds, 17-18-19-year-olds. by the time you hit 30 (actually way before then) you're supposed to be a sexually experienced adult man. not having had sex before the age of 30, or worse, is indicative of some dysfunction.

I won't disagree necessarily - I don't see much point in holding the V card for decades - but I'll just say (again) that I've had sex with guys who were "older virgins" - and the sex was still awesome. For both of us.

Lex

[C6A08]

Thanks guys. I guess I shouldn't place too much pride and hope on the virginity issue. It's really from my experience that some guys I talked to turned so excited when I told them the truth that I was a virgin, and they started talking about things they wanted to try on me or let me try, like rimming is cool, I want to be your first night guy and so on... I just feel disappointed that did my virginity make them like me more, and will it still be the same after that?