Questioning Identity

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I live by the motto: Trust no one.

So yes, in my humble and well experienced with insane people, you should be worried.

But here is the real deal. You are in a relationship with him, relationships require things like commitment, compromise and above all else communication.

Communication in this case means you talk to him about this and do so in a way where you are not judging, condemning, accusing.

If you two cannot communicate about sex and sexuality, your relationship is doomed to end.

Sadly this world is full of talkers, people who just yammer on talking a great deal without ever actually saying something. THAT is not communication.

Then you have those who throw shit out there and expect the other person to know the intent of the question. Thus asking 'Are you gay?' will not go over well. THAT is not communication.

Communication requires a bit of skills which frankly most human beings do not have. I strongly suggest before you go in depth with your BF/Possible Husband that you start out with a bit of research in how to communicate in a relationship.

Google may be your friend: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=how...lationship

I also strongly urge you to include the BF/Potential Husband in the learning process on how to communicate and start off with small talking points to set up a set pattern of how you two communicate with each other, so by the time you get around to asking the question which is on your mind (Are you gay?), you will both know how to ask such questions in a manner and tone that doesn't automatically lead to negative or defensive responses.

Trust me on this, if he isn't gay, and there is a marriage, the extra work in learning how to communicate effectively will enhance and extend the time your marriage lasts.

Even if he is gay, at least you will have learned and effective skill that you can use in future relationships (and hopefully he as well).

Understand that no one outside of him can tell you his sexuality. There is no magic aura, or secret handshake or something that allows one gay man to tell if another man is gay.

[lordjames]

Hey, I think I can help you because I might be bisexual. Well, considering your man could be bisexual too. There might be some mixed emotions\sexuality conflicts between him fulfilling his desires. A man being bisexual often ends with an unsatisfying feeling during relationships, because either he can't get both kinds of sex that he wants. Or he can't be happy with only one companion of one gender. Its a little different than having an affair but it is the same too. Have you considered talking to his friend to see if that guy may hint you anything. That might be why he is so angry when you say things about his sexuality, its probably because he knows your jealousy will end his relationship... and his incapability to be bisexual while being married probably is the problem. BUT, this is only a possible scenario... and I would imagine myself being that confused too if I were him. Try to talk to him, its hard for him to come out of the closet if he actually is bisexual. Because his fear would be that it would destroy your relationship. I really hope things don't get out of control for you both, good luck and let us know what happens okay?

I don't really have any solutions just yet, you may not want my help either lol

[Rareboy]

Please don't talk around him or behind his back.

It is only going to sow the seeds of confusion and mistrust.

At some point, all you are going to have to go on is the honesty you have with one another.

If you are not cool with the idea that he might be a homo/bisexual then have this out with him now.

If you are comfortable with the idea that you might be just one point on his sexual and emotional journey and are willing to allow him reign to be open to possibly having a male/male relationship one day...then make this clear now too.

What you can't be doing is looking askance at every choice he makes and everything he does by looking at it through the lens of whether he might like cock.....it will destroy both of you.

[princealbertofb]

All of you guys answers are so great, thank you! I think what made me worried was a touch on the face of one of his friends, he touched his buddy, a loving touch, brief but it made me...feel odd. He also won't talk about previous girls/experiences/intimacy, whereas ill always share past experiences with him. I did ask him about it, and his response was one of hurt and anger, and he said he's deeply in love with me.

And well may it be so, Kariahcutie... You're the lucky one.

[princealbertofb]

His deep love for you, KariahCutie, is maybe not feigned. Have you had the impression he's putting on an act?
I suspect that the approach about asking him if he was gay may not have been conclusive because if you ask that question to any man who's trying to make a go at a straight relationship, that would be quite an insult to his masculinity, to be honest. How could he take it any other way than harshly?

I loved the point that Bowyn made about finding out the way to true communication. One of the aspects of it is learning when to ask and how to ask.

My mother once asked me if I was gay? She asked me in the worst possible circumstances for me to be truthful.

1) I wasn't in a relationship that could lead to thinking that way.
2) I'd been in a relationship that she hadn't condoned, to be frank, and it had been with a woman. (we're still friends)
3) My little brother was dying of AIDS and all of the stigma of being gay obviously went with the fact of being a potential AIDS victim (to a certain extent). I was not ready to come out then. She couldn't have asked at a worse time, because
4) I wasn't sure how she was going to handle the fact of having 2 gay sons, one of them dying.
5) before my 4-year relationship with said female partner, I'd had a brief gay fling, had told my mother, she hadn't wanted to hear about it, so I guessed it was something that couldn't or shouldn't be mentioned (best to be ignored)... mixed signals.

So, what I'm trying to say is, if he is gay, it might not be HIS time for coming out. The only fact of suspecting it is going to rub him up the wrong way, because he's trying not to be (see what I mean?) and also, from what you've said earlier,
he's already had to put up with some gay 'slander' (let's call it that) from his family, or maybe the rumours are true, but they were his news to disclose, not theirs (breach of trust on his family's part). So many issues in here. If in doubt, you could always take a little time away from him, to give him freedom to explore other avenues and options... put your relationship on hold and see how he handles it? But maybe that's not the best way to do it, either.

[princealbertofb]

All of you guys answers are so great, thank you! I think what made me worried was a touch on the face of one of his friends, he touched his buddy, a loving touch, brief but it made me...feel odd. He also won't talk about previous girls/experiences/intimacy, whereas ill always share past experiences with him. I did ask him about it, and his response was one of hurt and anger, and he said he's deeply in love with me.

This just goes to show that people can be very different with their private lives. You are happy to divulge, he may not want to go into it. Maybe he thinks it's inappropriate. Maybe there is hurt there from previous breakups. Maybe he wants to concentrate on the love he now feels for you and that the two of you share. Maybe there isn't much to tell. Maybe there was a male to male thing or fling there but he doesn't want you to read too much into it, so it's going to remain his and the other person's secret.

You can go on being honest and open about yourself, that can't be bad, maybe with time you'll encourage him to be less secretive, and also more open, but as I said in the previous post, there has been breach of trust with his family when they mentioned he was gay (and maybe he wasn't ready to hear the truth, if they are right). The only thing you can do, is remain supportive, open about his choices to view and seek more information about sexuality and sexualities. Does he come from a sexually repressed or open family? Is sex something that was discussed in his family? Or was it rather taboo? All these things might colour the way he views that aspect of his personality.

I think he's found you to be open enough to explore those avenues with him, watch those films, seek those pieces of information. Maybe he's just very curious, which may make him a rather good lover.


At my age, I know I'm still interested to see what people are interested in doing, trying out, even researching, or what remains taboo, hidden, unshowable. I'm not going to like it all, but I do admit to finding it at least intriguing. Some people are into threesomes, or group sex, some are into swinging, it's not my thing but I'm glad to know that it works for some people. Maybe he's trying to broaden not only his horizons but yours too. Would you say you've led a sheltered life (sexually speaking) so far?

[Dustin]

How's the sex?
Personally when I was passing thru Bi-town, the sex was mediocre at best and usually I had to get drunk, mostly mechanical.
I also got defensive when asked, convinced I could have what I thought was a normal life and suppress my "crazy" urges...
long story short: an amazing woman told me she couldn't marry me till I worked thru my same sex attraction. She didn't ask or hint, just out right said those words.

[lordjames]

Yeah I think the problem is that he cannot really fulfill the perfect sex life because he is BI. I mean, I think that is how most BI men are anyways...