Discreetly Exploring Gender Identity and Sexuality?

[Submisfit]

I posted this on another forum, but didn't get any answers. I'm seriously questioning both my sexuality and gender identity, and I'm not sure what to do.


So I'm not really sure how to delve into this, so sorry if it sounds awkward. I'm going to be a junior in uni this fall, and I'm really confused about my current gender identity/sexuality. I want to try to explore it a bit to figure it out, but I need to be very discreet about doing so. While my city is very accepting, I have family who absolutely would not be, and I need to keep this to myself until I'm more concrete in my self evaluation.

As it is I'm a tall, (SLIGHTLY) overweight guy with an extremely effeminate build. I've slept with an averagish number of women in the past, and I've enjoyed myself; that I like girls isn't in question. I do have a bit of a revulsion to my penis, and aspects of masculinity in general. I don't like to touch myself while I masturbate, as an example. Further, I can't have an orgasm while masturbating if I imagine myself as the man having sex with the woman, or any man having sex with any other man; I end up watching straight porn and imagining myself as the woman in the bit.

Other less controlled suggestive features include an EXTREMELY low natural testosterone level, and my insistence when I was young to my parents that I was going to grow up to be a mommy. I've tried testosterone in the past to play with my depression (thinking it might have been the low T) and was EXTREMELY depressed. Like, not getting out of bed for 2 days/not going to class level of dysfunction. Sex disgusted me, and even touching myself in the shower to get clean was unpleasant. When I'm not on it I don't really have a distinct sense of gender dysphoria, but I do have a low mood in general.

I'm really questioning my gender identity, and potentially my sexuality (i've never met a guy in person and been really attracted, and I have for women. In general though, I need to know her for a while and get her personality first.) I'm not really sure where to go from here with this, but I want to work it out, because trying to look at it pragmatically shows a LOT of red flags. How could I check on this without giving myself away to anyone?

FWIW I've also done drag with an ex before. It doesn't excite me in any sort of sexual way, or anything like that. TBQH within 5 minutes I sort of lose touch with it, and just feel like I'm wearing clothes, so I don't think that I'm fetishizing that or anything.

[Uneunsae]

Regarding your natural femininity... do you know if you are intersex? I am, and there are several intersex conditions. I cannot help you without knowing very personal details, so it might be something you want to research or discuss with your doctor.

Having said that, it sounds like you already know that you are female. But it goes beyond sexuality. It's about living every single aspect of your life as a woman. In order to sort this out, you NEED to see a Gender Therapist. They can help you figure out who you really are and give you ideas on how to do that without alerting your family or anyone else. No one can tell you who you are, not anyone online, not your friends, no one. This is difficult because you probably want someone to give you clues. People here online will give you their opinion, but remember - please remember - that it's just that; their opinion. Most people don't have a clue what it's like to be in your shoes.

My entire childhood was spent being shoved into one gender box or the other by my family when deep down I knew I was neither. I'm third gender. Or you can say "a different kind of boy" if it makes it easier on your brain. Deep down, you have your own answer, too.

Keep in mind, that all these things are separate and may not match:

Physical sex (reproductive organs and genitalia)
Gender (your brain)
Sexual Orientation (who you're attracted to)
Gender Expression (how you dress, act, etc. There are feminine men and masculine women, too)

I hope this helps.

[Submisfit]

Regarding your natural femininity... do you know if you are intersex? I am, and there are several intersex conditions. I cannot help you without knowing very personal details, so it might be something you want to research or discuss with your doctor.

Having said that, it sounds like you already know that you are female. But it goes beyond sexuality. It's about living every single aspect of your life as a woman. In order to sort this out, you NEED to see a Gender Therapist. They can help you figure out who you really are and give you ideas on how to do that without alerting your family or anyone else. No one can tell you who you are, not anyone online, not your friends, no one. This is difficult because you probably want someone to give you clues. People here online will give you their opinion, but remember - please remember - that it's just that; their opinion. Most people don't have a clue what it's like to be in your shoes.

My entire childhood was spent being shoved into one gender box or the other by my family when deep down I knew I was neither. I'm third gender. Or you can say "a different kind of boy" if it makes it easier on your brain. Deep down, you have your own answer, too.

Keep in mind, that all these things are separate and may not match:

Physical sex (reproductive organs and genitalia)
Gender (your brain)
Sexual Orientation (who you're attracted to)
Gender Expression (how you dress, act, etc. There are feminine men and masculine women, too)

I hope this helps.

TMI response: I'm fairly certain that I'm intersex, but my insurance precludes doctors examining it in depth. On zoloft, occasional ambien, and moderate pot use my T was 37 ng/dl. The doctor first tested because I'm a 6'4 190 lb individual with a slightly odd penis and a genuine C cup. I do definitely have a penis though, and it's at least normal enough that none of the ~15 girls that I've been with have said anything; I feel like if it were more than a bit abnormal, they'd have stopped me.

I did see the only gender therapist in my fairly large city, but it didn't really help much. I just get hung up on the fact that I don't really have clear and discernable dysphoria; I'm primary depressive bipolar, but that's something else entirely. My university is 100% transunfriendly, and I have probably 3 years left here; on top of that, I'd lose my dad's side of the family, so it'd have to be something that I was sure about before starting. My mom has flat out asked me if I was before and said she'd be accepting, but I panicked and denied it (she saw the billing to that aforementioned gender therapist on my insurance.) Rambling at this point, but the fact that crossdressing isn't some enormous relief worries me too. I just don't seem to fit into the relatively few categories of trans* i've read online.

[Cuddly]

Have you considered the scenario of you having bad feelings about your penis, because of some kind of particularly male-oriented sexual repression? Were you brought up to think penises were vile abominations?

[Submisfit]

Have you considered the scenario of you having bad feelings about your penis, because of some kind of particularly male-oriented sexual repression? Were you brought up to think penises were vile abominations?

No. I was brought up in a fantastic non religious household with an incredibly accepting mother. My sister is pan and it just isn't even a thing to our mom; when we were young, she'd often have us at lgbt or native american rights rallies. I was never sexually abused or anything like that.

I'm not convinced I'd one day be passable, but that's beside the point for me right now. It just really bothers me that there are these common themes to the lives of those who are transgender, and I don't fit in that narrative; it worries me that something else is going on, and that I'd intensely screw up my life by being wrong and pursuing it, because of the social stigma associated with being trans at my current uni.

[Uneunsae]

OP, I encourage you to look into Autogynephilia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autogynephi...ndrophilia

[Submisfit]

Can't quote yours because <50 posts

I'm not inherently turned on by the thought of myself as a woman, and frankly, autogynephilia is complete bullshit. When administering the same set of questions to cisgender women, the overwhelming majority were also labelled autogynephilic. It doesn't test for what it claims to, and what it does identify it calls abnormal.