Gay parents....

[zeon]

Hi,
To those of us who are either step parents or parents etc etc of youngsters just thought id place a file to find out how you guys find it??? The past six months ive been like a step dad to a 12 year old lad and am finding it a little difficult at times because of the fact his spoilt by his mother and his dad and me cant afford everything he wants... Just want to know do kids tend to favour the spoiler or the non spoiler once they get older?? I am worried about me bf as i didnt help him find his son for his son later in life not want to know him because he couldnt afford some things

kindest regards

zeon x

[CardShark]

Can't say I was ever spoiled in the sense of toys etc...

Not having everything in life, is a important lesson to learn.
I went on a course around some rich business area, all the people their had everything, from ipods to mobile phones they didn't even have jobs!

Really bugged me, especially when they rant on about stuff they want.

[zeon]

I know card the thing is we bought him a ps3 and he thanked me bf but i never got a thank you when it is me that authorises any transaction stuff.. Also another thing im struggling with as a parent is he wont eat veg just wants burgers and i dont want him growing up how i did when i was that age as it took a long time to shed the load on me... Any tips for getting kids off crap food??? Im thinking of taking him to a resturant but i dont want him leaving loads of stuff

[Smurlos]

I know card the thing is we bought him a ps3 and he thanked me bf but i never got a thank you when it is me that authorises any transaction stuff.. Also another thing im struggling with as a parent is he wont eat veg just wants burgers and i dont want him growing up how i did when i was that age as it took a long time to shed the load on me... Any tips for getting kids off crap food??? Im thinking of taking him to a resturant but i dont want him leaving loads of stuff

Well my advice firstly is to take it one step at a time. You want to start introducing slightly healthier options. Tomato pasta with maybe some home-made garlic bread using low fat butter and garlic? Erm, some chicken breast based dishes, like maybe a chicken curry and rice, or a chicken stir fry, there are so many ways to make dinner nice while healthy, other than "main plus side of veg - NOW EAT IT!" type thing? Coz in that situation the main goes down like a treat and the veg gets left.

You could even make your own beef burgers by buying lean mince - a little bit healthier - plus you can make some mods like adding in bits of veg that he might not notice?

Also, make a nice dessert that they have to look forward to using fresh fruit? Strawberries with some cream used to be my favourite. OR peaches with cream. Or a fruit salad. Watermelon. etc. etc.

Hope that helps zeon x

[princealbertofb]

Unfortunately Zeon, that lad seems to be reaching the awkward age and giving him orders is not going to work all that well. Maybe it would take a little explaining, and maybe showing him some pictures of what you used to look like before managing to shed the extra pounds that might help him realise you have health issues to put across. Maybe you could associate him in the food making process, not just bring the food to him ready made. If he were making it, he could learn about making a healthy meal? And still enjoy the food. If you can make a game out of it... something like. Give him some money while shopping to get some of the food, and you must get something else, then you have to put them together to combine them as a healthy diet? Basically the trick is MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD, but with an ALLOWANCE only. I don't know if you have seen those food pyramids on the net but they explain about the number of fresh fruit and veg, and dairy products and meat and fish and poultry and eggs etc that you are ideally supposed to consume each day. Make it a challenge to meet thos requirements within the limits of your budget and the limits of your joint tastes.

[Shadow]

Well you've already had some very good advice indeed ... I would suggest that the food and the spoiling could both be dealt with in another way, as to my eye they are both indicative of the same type of thing and that is that he might just be struggling with change ...

How has he taken to the recent changes to his life ? You say, for example, that you've been like a step-parent to him for the last six months, so perhaps he's still just getting used to you being in his life ...

If you can find a way to communicate with him - befriend him, then you can use that position to leverage other things like healthier eating, not expecting to just snap his fingers and have people jump through hoops to meet his expectations ... because I agree with you, if his father (and I'm not saying that this is what's happening but it MAY be to some extent) is trying to keep him on-side by accommodating the way he has been brought-up thusfar, then he's already fighting a losing battle.

The boy needs to be treated with care, but not to the exclusion of the reality that he finds himself in. Things in his life (and yours and his father's and his mother's) are changing, and he needs to learn to accept that and respect that everybody is trying their best to look after him, but that he ISN'T the centre of the universe ...

At 12 he's almost BOUND to find it difficult to deal with at times, so I certainly wouldn't advocate being harsh, but I think if you can find a way into his heart, you will find that you're able to ... not manipulate him, but guide him into new areas (as we've already spoken of).

Another good suggestion, as I believe has already been made, is to try and make things more fun for him, whilst still getting what you want for him, so making games out of shopping and cooking and even choosing what to eat are all good ideas - they'll make him feel more involved in the process, and will help you continue to build a rapport with him mile:.

I hope that doesn't come across as like ... me telling you what to do - for what it's worth I think he's very fortunate to have wound up having somebody in his life LIKE you, who so obviously cares about his wellbeing, and takes your position IN his life so sincerely ...

.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Tobehonest]

If I had a gay stepfather just two years ago, I would feel awkward even if they bought me everything I wanted. I wouldn't be open to advice on food, so thats why you should secretly put it in their. An example would be grating courgettes and carrots into you spag bol. Also you could give him fat chips instead of skinny ones and if he still wants burgers, make your own and do the grating vegetable thing again.

Just give him time. Good Luck.

[marshlander]

If I had a gay stepfather just two years ago, I would feel awkward even if they bought me everything I wanted. I wouldn't be open to advice on food, so thats why you should secretly put it in their. An example would be grating courgettes and carrots into you spag bol. Also you could give him fat chips instead of skinny ones and if he still wants burgers, make your own and do the grating vegetable thing again.

Just give him time. Good Luck.

[peterinmalaga]

I found this on the web and think it is very good advice
How to Be a Good Parent - wikiHow
My own advice would be to focus on the positive aspects of his behaviour. Praise him every time he does something good. Ignore his behaviour when it is bad and criticize the behaviour not the child (if you really want to criticize) e.g. “I really hate it when you do that.” Never say “I hate you.” Always emphasize that you both love him whatever he does. Love and praise make children really strong and will eventually be returned. Parenting is for the long term (actually you will soon realize it is a life sentence!), so don’t ever give up. If possible tell him his Mum is a good Mum, even if you disagree with her in some ways and let her see that you both support her as a Mum to the child. Encourage him to get into adventure sports, however he likes to define that. I taught my sons to windsurf and we went hill walking in the Lake District. I never particularly liked football but I faked an enjoyment of it for their sake. Exercise is as good as dieting. Quality time spent together is much better than expensive presents. If he is mainly living with you two, it is understandable that his Mum wants to give him presents to maintain the link. Be adventurous with food by mixing some of his favourite healthy things with the less favoured things e.g. strawberries and/or nuts etc (if he likes these) with salad. Try jacket potatoes with baked beans and cheddar cheese on top: most kids like that and it’s very healthy and not fattening. Good luck.