Almost one liners

[LONDONER]

Probably only understandable by Brits

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’. Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC (Royal Automobile Club) van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets! (A chain of carpet retailers in the UK)

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him. (Difficult for anyone but the Brits to understand)

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.

I looked at a pack of frozen fish today and there was a warning that it may contain fish - really, wow, lucky you told me!! (This one is true!)

[Virge]

I got all but the Alladin joke but I know it relates to another joke you posted months back about mime.

[LONDONER]

I got all but the Alladin joke but I know it relates to another joke you posted months back about mime.

It's a long tradition of Christmas pantomimes that involves a lot of audience participation. Alladin faces the audience and is usually talking about the "bad" character in the pantomime and the audience shouts: "He's behind you" to which usually Alladin shouts back: "Oh no he's not" and the audience comes back with: "Oh yes he is." Kids absolutely love it and their parents join in the fun too. It's all very innocent.

[LJay]

Is it really true that Brits ought not be told jokes Saturday evening lest they be frowned upon for laughing in church on Sunday morning?

[LONDONER]

I've never heard of that LJay

[LJay]

Something about being slow on the uptake.