Am I being unreasonable?

[exeter12]

Hello everyone!

I found this site doing while searching for relationship advice and I'm hoping to get some honest opinions. A little background. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. My boyfriend has a history of online flirting and sexting with local guys. When I confronted him on it, he initially denied it but then confessed to it. He promised to stop. Then months would go by and I would find out he was doing it again.

I let him know from the beginning what kind of guy I am: homebody, done with the bar scene, interested in monogamous relationship, ready to settle down. He is the complete opposite. Loves to go out, and can't stop partying. We compromised and we agreed that he would go out less and I in turn would make an effort to go out more. On those nights where I just wasn't feeling it, he would go out on his own with his friends, which was ok with me.

Recently, he has begun to stay out all night and come home the next afternoon. The first time this happened I was livid, he promised he wouldn't do it again and then proceeded to do it again! We had a conversation and I asked him that all I asked is that he let me know when he was planning on not coming home.

Last week he went out Friday night (I was too tired from a long work week to want to go out) and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon. All I got were a few messages telling me he was sorry but that he'd be home soon.

Honestly, I'm at the end of my rope. I personally find this behavior disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable in expecting that my live-in boyfriend come home at a decent hour? (I'm even ok with him closing down a bar, but honestly after parties?) Or am I overreacting? I'm at the point in my life where I don't want the party life. The majority of his friends are single and younger (He's in his mid 40s, I'm 39). I'm ready to call it quits because I know this behavior won't change. He defends by saying he's not perfect (duh, no one is) and that I should accept him as he is.

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate any and all opinions. I'd talk to my best friend, but I know she'll side with me whether I'm right or wrong. :-)

[Virge]

Your first mistake was "changing the rules' with your first compromise with him allowing him to go out "less" and you go out "more."

Then there's a pattern to to everything else. After the first time he stayed out all night and didn't come when you took his word that he wouldn't do it again all you did was give him permission after the crime. Or that's how he's treating it.

Saying he's not perfect is no excuse. It's got nothing to do with perfection.

It's irresponsible and disrespectful to you but even more disrespectful to the relationship. You saying he's 40 he could fit into two extremes of types of personalities. Rich with a perception that all the world is his to do with as he pleases OR a guy who's got a work history that would fill three sheets on a resume.

To keep him you'll have to lower your respect of yourself.

Actions have consequences, don't they? Why are you enduring the consequences for his actions?

[TwisttheLeaf]

What [MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION] said. ^^^ Read it at least twice. Maybe more.

[East]

You are right...nothing is going to change. It seems he even pushes the boundaries and rules that he agreed to....

It doesn't look good....I think you know what to do

[LJay]

i am very sorry that you are being hurt. As difficult as it will be, you must begin to work on the rest of your life. Talk with you best friend not about the behavior of your boyfriend but about how to move on. You must be true to yourself.

[MikeW]

Am I being unreasonable in expecting that my live-in boyfriend come home at a decent hour?

Of course not. And you're not being unreasonable to expect your BF to keep his agreements with you. [MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION] has spelled it all out and others have concurred, your BF is compromising the relationship. Wouldn't you *assume* he's having affairs outside the relationship? If no, *why* is he staying out not only all night, but all weekend?

Understand, I have no value judgement so far as monogamy or w/e is concerned in a relationship. I think couples need to figure out what works for them… what they can commit to and KEEP… what they feel comfortable with and not… and it really isn't any one else's business. BUT when two guys are in a relationship and can't keep their agreements with one another, then there is something wrong.

[Rareboy]

Oh God.

Virge and others wrapped this one up.

Try to be more selective next time around.

You're not a fucking doormat.

[Bricg1970]

You are not unreasonable at all, you may already know what to do, seems the two of you want different things and you both can't reach a meeting point / compromise that work for both.

[meridannight]

Last week he went out Friday night (I was too tired from a long work week to want to go out) and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon. All I got were a few messages telling me he was sorry but that he'd be home soon.

yeah, this part quite unacceptable. it would be acceptable if it just happened once/rarely, but it seems like he's been building up to this by progressive escalation.

it would look like he can't keep that promise going out less. you can't really change people anyway. not at what they're like in the core. and this seems like a core characteristic for him.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He and you are at odds, you both want vastly different things when it comes to this.

You cannot demand he changes to suit you, and he cannot demand that you change to suit him.

The best you two can do is agree to change Self slightly to meet a common middle ground here.

Which may mean he gets a couple nights a week to stay out until the wee hours AND it may mean you must go with him and attend these horrible functions.

This would be called 'compromise'.