3way with my bf

[HA2015]

My bf and I love each other very much. We have been together about a year. At 38, it's not my first or longest relationship. When we began this love affair I thought monogamy was the track we were on. Recently, he informed me he was scared he might get drunk and something could happen. I appreciate his honesty, but it did hurt. I'm trying to keep an open mind despite being an insecure person at times. This weekend, after several drinks, we had a 3 way. I went along even though I had my reservations and I wasn't attracted to the 3rd at all. I figured I would confront my fear. The problem is afterward. I feel very sad. Like I lost something sacred. It's hard to explain. It doesn't help he did things he doesn't normally do with me. He also called the guy baby. That's what he calls me. I'm trying to excuse those things under the " he was drunk" file, but it's not easy. My bf is not the best communicator when it comes to emotions or situations and my friends wouldn't understand. Part of me feels maybe it would be different if I had been attracted to the guy. Maybe it would be worse. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's either accept it or don't. Neither sounds great. Has anyone been through this? I'm trying my best to keep an open mind. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS! A few thoughts.

Recently, he informed me he was scared he might get drunk and something could happen.

There's an old story about a kid who played hooky from school and went swimming in the lake instead. He got caught, and told his parents "I didn't plan on it! It just happened!" The parents asked him why he had his swim trunks with him, and he said "I just brought them along in case I got tempted."

Your boyfriend's comment makes me think of that. That he, well, wanted to be tempted. Because for one thing, being drunk is no excuse. You're not absolved from your actions because you were drinking. And secondly, if he really DOES think "something might happen" if he got drunk, but still wanted to remain monogamous, it'd be really easy to do - don't get drunk in places where "something might happen". Given this, it sounds like he was trying to prepare you for the "I don't think I want to be monogamous all the time" talk.

This weekend, after several drinks, we had a 3 way.

You don't go into detail here, but it sounds like this wasn't planned. You didn't decide "OK, this weekend, we'll have a threesome." Instead, you found somebody while out drinking, and your BF decided to push the idea of a threesome, which you went along with (albeit reluctantly). That's usually not the best way to go about it, especially if one of you isn't really keen on the idea. If you DO decide to 3way, you should talk about it, decide on all the parameters (someone you both know? what will it actually entail?), and then go to it.

Next move is to actually talk about it, because it sounds like you haven't. You say your boyfriend isn't great about talking about things. Well, that's fine - you can do most of the talking, then. You need to let him know what you thought of the threesome. You need to ask him what he's expecting now - does he want three-way a lot more? Does he want to see this guy on the side without you? What are both of you willing to do, and willing to compromise on? And then, you'll need to see if you can find that common ground that you're both comfortable with.

Lex

[HA2015]

Thanks Lex. The problem is, when I talk he shuts down. I don't think he is able to listen and/or understand. I think my depression from this stems from knowing I have only 2 choices. Stay and accept it or leave someone I love. I've done the leaving thing before, but do most gay relationships end up this way? Either one ( or both cheat) or the relationship is opened. Your point is very well written. Thank you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well Alcohol mixed with anything besides more alcohol usually doesn't end well.

The problem is you are the monogamous type and have these expectations and idealizations about what monogamy means on an emotional level.

You can't go up against that and accept everything to turn out all warm and rosy, in fact you pretty much knew already that this wasn't going to end well - perhaps you didn't vocalize it, but I know you felt a lot of things on the way to this particular party.

At this point you can honestly say 'I tried it and didn't like it and refuse to do it again'.

Your BF is going to have to accept that as it is.

The other problem here is that your BF has a drinking problem. Whenever anyone says 'I'm afraid I'm going to drink and lose my ability to be responsible' and then turn around and put themselves in that position where they allow alcohol to rule their better part of wisdom, they got a problem. Perhaps not alcoholism in the classic sense, but a problem where he is using alcohol as an excuse to remove the 'blame' from him to a substance.

Having been in the BDSM scene and having seen and heard a lot, I know from the experiences of others that three ways and open relationships work best when there are solid ground rules set before anyone goes out to have sex with another person.

In three ways there is agreed upon 'we don't do this with others' type stuff. be it as crude and blunt as - 'no other man but you fucks my ass, because my ass is yours', to refraining from using key terms of endearments. These things not shared with others are shared between the couple and become symbols of their loyalty to the idea of 'Us' as a couple, and the sex part is 'just sex' because I didn't ________________ (whatever it is you all decide is just yours as a couple).

As for the open relationships where each individual goes out and scores prey - the usual tenant is honesty (Yes I fucked whats his name, yes we used a condom, no not really the best lay I had.... etc), and rules about how we (the couple) judge/engage when we bit past preyed upon objects of lust. What is said, how far "we" talk about the sex-capades is determined by the couple well before they engage in the activity.

In the end, the reality is that some people are just hardwired to stay within mongamy - for whatever reason, be it social programing, religious programing or biological drives no one has discovered yet, there are those of us in the world who are loath to do the sex outside of the relationship, or sex with a third, fourth or orgy and enjoy it, or come away feeling like something hasn't been broken.

Since you feel that you lost something special here, you might very well be incapable of doing three ways and open relationships. Forcing yourself to do it when its against your nature will not end well for you nor your relationship.

Your BF is just going to have to accept that you cannot (not unwilling, unable - a vastly different thing) do three ways.

Perhaps he can have the occasional outside meet-up, with rules - you two need to sit down and discuss the rules of engagement, how to proceed afterwards. However, you both have to be able to accept the fact that this is going to hurt YOU when it happens and he is going to have to listen to your pain and try to comfort you.

There is another option, couples therapy where you two can go and have an impartial third party help you two reach some sort of working compromise with this situation, giving you tools to endure and cope and let his exterior experiences slide off of you and not turn into resentments, and for him to perhaps figure out that he really doesn't need to do all of that outside sex.

[ceez]

do most gay relationships end up this way? Either one ( or both cheat) or the relationship is opened. Your point is very well written. Thank you.

that's a LOT of men unfortunately no matter the sexuality, it actually seems about even with straight couples though. just be glad he didn't sneak off to an escort service like a lot of the guys I work with did.

[Lexington]

Thanks Lex. The problem is, when I talk he shuts down. I don't think he is able to listen and/or understand.

I can't be sure here, but my thought here is that he shuts down because, well, it works. It gets him what he wants. You stop talking (or lecturing), he doesn't have to make the choice, he doesn't have to talk about it, and he can go back to doing whatever he was going to do anyway. I think you need to sit there and wait until you come to an agreement. And if he refuses to do so, well, is that somebody you want to keep around?

do most gay relationships end up this way? Either one ( or both cheat) or the relationship is opened.

Depends on who you ask. I've heard some say "every gay relationship is open - it's just a matter of how many people are honest about it". But I've known plenty that remain closed. It just ends up how both people feel about it going in, and how they feel about it as the relationship progresses. I think any relationship can be monogamous as long as both partners are interested in it being so. But to be honest, the earliest sex tends to be the hottest (think of how many sex scenes in movie are 'first times', and how many are between people who have had sex several times before). So it's easy to say "Oh, definitely, only you"...and then start wondering if that was the right call after the heat comes off a bit.

Lex

[Borg69]

As I've said numerous times here at GS and elsewhere... Monogamy is a CHOICE. Other than being tied down and raped, anything else is an EXCUSE (drunk or otherwise).

I wouldn't beat yourself up for the 3-some. He wanted it, you were unsure about it, you tried it and didn't care for it. You made a choice. Life goes on.

[Bricg1970]

Communication is a big problem, it is not a matter of you accepting the thing the way they are, because your BF simply shut down? is that fair, it is about mutual compromise how far you two want to go and what that means to you both. you should stand what your emotions are, how you feel and reach what is acceptable for you two.
a relationship without communication is doom to fail but it can be fix if both want it to work.

[meridannight]

i think you did it wrong where you went along with it with the guy you didn't find attractive. there are also other things (like not thoroughly figuring it out how you two are gonna go about this, it appears from your description not a lot of thought went into setting this up) but i'm gonna focus on this one.

it's great you were open enough to do this for your partner, but still the experience has to work both ways. that means that it has to be enjoyable to you too. if you're just there not liking the third guy and waiting for the whole thing to be over with, of course it will be a very disappointing experience. you should have talked things through and looked for a guy both of you wanted.

there's nothing wrong with monogamy and all gay relationships do not end up open. but you have to know what you can compromise on in this particular relationship and what is unacceptable to you. and when you know you have to let your partner know. him not wanting to listen is not an option, it's talk and participate in the relationship or not.

[LJay]

Life worth living is not made up of perfect and controlled experiences. Some things work and some things don't. Try to see it as one day (or night) among many and not the focus for all of your thoughts. Move forward.