Conflicted with first relationship.

[Double23]

So I'm 25 and only recently started dating guys and I met this guy on Grinder around Christmas when I was 24 who is the same age as me, but he's a lot more experienced, and he asked me out. We had a couple of dates which went really well and on the 3rd date we had sex and he took my virginity, it was a great night and I enjoyed it, so no issues there.

There are two issues though, first is his lack of availability, he lives about 35miles away, which isn't a problem for me in my situation because nothing ties me to my city and I can work from anywhere.

But he often does 12/13 hour shifts at work, sometimes for the entire week, because he wants to make extra money to rent a proper house etc, so I've rarely gotten to see him since the new year and then generally because of the time it's just dinner and sex, which is enjoyable but I don't see how any kind of proper relationship can develop from this, essentially it seems were like fuck buddies.

When I talked to him he said it's a monogamous relationship and as far as he is concerned he wants to just see how it goes. Whereas myself I'm looking for some kind of more serious regular interaction with him that doesn't just involve sex. At the end of the day he is the one who asked me out and is telling me that he wants me more than he's ever wanted anyone else, (which I'm not entirely sure I believe since he's had serious boyfriends in the past) and I do wonder whether he's just trying to get me to have sex with him.

Secondly when I went to visit him the other day, as I was packing up my stuff I went looking through the pictures of hunks on his calendar and noticed that on a certain date he had his initials and his ex's with a love heart and then on the wall I saw some small collage he had created saying (his initials) loves (ex's initials) together forever. And it was like a kick in the nuts seeing that, I felt sick. I'm not in love with him but obviously I have feelings for him.

It makes me think he's still in love with his ex and is in the denial stage of grief, creating fantasy scenarios of him and his ex from a 4 year relationship that he was involved in before me. I can't compete with a memory or fantasy, it makes me feel like the 3rd person in a relationship.

Yet despite all this, being with him is wonderful, he's caring, affectionate, generous, and he's open minded, I can tell him anything about myself, things that most other people could never accept and he's fine with it. I know that he's capable of giving a lot in a relationship.

I need to talk to him about this obviously. I can't figure out what's going on in his head and I'm conflicted as to whether I want to be with him or if it's even viable, maybe he's not ready for another relationship yet, I don't want to be some kind of rebound or replacement for his ex.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So you want him to what stop working, lose his home to spend more time with you?

12 hours a day at work isn't that uncommon in the world. Tie that with commute times and there are couples who only see each other in passing for about half an hour a day on average.

Well I'm sorry but you have been competing with the Ex - and this is what always happens. Sure lots of people deny that they ain't judging their new SO by the ruler of past SO's, but they do. Its human nature to do so.

Any guy you date/end up with who has a previous relationship is going to be using that to measure you by and in many ways you will be competing.

And any guy who date/form a relationship is going to have mementos from the past - yep even mementos of past significant dates and stuff like jewelry, photos, etc.

Seems to me you are a bit cranky and have unrealistic expectations for this thing called love. You are working with the mythology of love, relationships and all of that and have no hard experience.

I have no idea what the date is on the calender, when that date was reserved I have no idea of what the collage is when it was made nor what it fully means to your BF. It is highly possible that these things are minor at best, the collage may have more meaning than just the initials and heart.... IDK. I have stuff from past relationships (long, long time ago) which I keep. Stuff given to me by exes. I don't keep the stuff because so and so gave me it, I kept it because I liked it, or it reminded me of sunshine, happiness and pain free days of a youth misspent and lost between the cracks of time.

People do that sort of thing all the time. So these 'mementos' may not be what you are making them out to be.

Of course you won't know until you ask your potential mate here.

[Darius]

It sounds like he is showing you with both his words and his actions that he is going slowly with you, probably because he is not over his ex. You might be wise to follow his lead and not let yourself fall too hard, too quickly.

[Iceblink]

You are his rebound relationship. When you have broken up with someone, whether the relationship was a good one or a bad one, it takes time to move on. The life he was living everyday has suddenly changed and it takes time to adjust. Even if he has absolutely no contact with his ex, that person is still a part of his life and since you are dating him, his ex has become a part of your life. Rebound relationships are notorious for not working out, not to say it doesn't happen, sometimes people meet the life of their life with the first person they begin dating after a break up, but more often than not those relationships go nowhere. Because of this, there are some of us who will not date someone in this period of life and there are some of us who have just broken up with someone that will not get into anything serious right away. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but you need to be realistic and cautious when you date a person fresh out of relationship.

Eventually you move on, but your history in life in always a part of you. In conversation, we often relate the experiences we have had in life to the topic on hand. Before my current relationship, I once had a 7 year relationship so it is impossible to avoid that lengthy period of my life not sometimes coming up in conversation. Whoever you date, his past is a part of him and there is no way around that.

[Double23]

Thanks guys, I just needed to know what's normal.

I realise there's gonna be mementos from past relationships, my parents have them and even I have photos of me and him, it just seemed a little full on or in my face if you know what I mean and having no frame of reference due to my lack of experience I needed some advice on the subject from a more objective viewpoint because anxieties tend to distort perceptions.

Yes we are both taking it slowly and seeing where it goes, I don't expect love to come quickly, it's more about me feeling the need to spend more time having enjoyable experiences together outside the bedroom rather than it being based primarily around sex.

You are his rebound relationship. When you have broken up with someone, whether the relationship was a good one or a bad one, it takes time to move on. The life he was living everyday has suddenly changed and it takes time to adjust. Even if he has absolutely no contact with his ex, that person is still a part of his life and since you are dating him, his ex has become a part of your life. Rebound relationships are notorious for not working out, not to say it doesn't happen, sometimes people meet the life of their life with the first person they begin dating after a break up, but more often than not those relationships go nowhere. Because of this, there are some of us who will not date someone in this period of life and there are some of us who have just broken up with someone that will not get into anything serious right away. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but you need to be realistic and cautious when you date a person fresh out of relationship.

This was perhaps my primary concern when coming here. Whether he's had enough time to actually move on, and knowing that he came out of a relationship a few months ago made me a bit concerned when seeing the aforementioned stuff.

[Iceblink]

After what I said, I guess I should also put a little balance here. Don't be too overly cautious when it comes to dating. Part of finding that special person in life is taking some risks and chances when dating and that means you will likely get hurt along the way. Dating can sometimes be painful, but you've got to be willing to risk that hurt if you want to find love.

[Pyromancer]

You want to get to know each other better, so why not suggest and evening of dinner and conversation instead of dinner and sex. If he's not amenable to that, then you need to decide if you're going to be satisfied with what he can give you or whether you need to move on.

[Borg69]

We all want to be the primary thing in our relationship's lives... but often times with jobs, family, homes (bills), friends, previous relationships (baggage, kids), hobbies, ... we find ourselves falling farther and farther down the list of importance. On top of all that they're spread so thin they've thinned down what they put into a relationship to their rock bottom needs... food and sex.

Basically you need to decide if you're happy with your place in his priorities.

[Virge]

Take the easy way out. Just remember to watch a tutorial called American Psycho before you do it .

How about a little music to brighten things up?

[Double23]

So you want him to what stop working, lose his home to spend more time with you?

12 hours a day at work isn't that uncommon in the world. Tie that with commute times and there are couples who only see each other in passing for about half an hour a day on average.

I shouldn't really dignify this with a response but you're taking it completely out of context.

He's in accommodation (student flat share type) provided by the hotel he works for, he had the opportunity to move to the city I live in (which he would much prefer to be in because he's currently in the middle of nowhere) he was offered a decent job and could rent a house or move in with his parents if he wanted, giving him the opportunity to see me and his other friends pretty much every day, but he declined the job because it was a friend offering it and he didn't want to mix friendship and business, that's fine but it really does suggest his priorities are not focused on romantic relationships. And I think it's kind of cruel to ask someone out when you don't have any time to commit to them.

And 12-13 hour shifts sometimes 7 days a week, are not the norm in the UK. 8-9 hours 5 days a week is typical. It kind of suggests he lives to work, which isn't the kind of guy I want to be with. Maybe I've come to a decision.

What Borg69 said seems to hit the nail on the head really.