In the context of possibly starting a relationship/friendship with someone, is it ever justifiable to get anxious or impatient if that someone does not respond to texts at a reasonable rate?
I've been on two simple 'dates' (quotes because it was never really clear if there was a (reciprocated) romantic interest) with a fellow I met via an online dating app, and our texts are generally 12-24 hours apart. He recently asked to hang out with me this weekend, and we're making plans for Saturday, but he hasn't gotten back to me from the last text (about ~8:00pm last night) yet.
I get serious anxiety that needs medical treatment over these things, so while I'd normally respond very quickly to texts, I've been forcing myself to hold off 12-24 hours, since I learned his response rate, otherwise I'd probably start going even crazier.
I feel like if I bring it up (e.g. "what's taking you so long to get back to me?") I'd come across as desperate, and that only drives people away even further.
For context, I'm working 60 hours a week (1 full time, another part time), but I'm always able to respond to a text quickly. My possible 'friend' is unemployed and doesn't have any committments (no school, work, etc.) and he's made this known (consistently mentioning how he's bored).
Am I looking into this too deeply--are some people just very hard to keep a hook on, or is this guy just bored and I'm probably wasting my time?
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I think that to a certain extent it is quite normal to get impatient, obviously you're looking forward to hearing from him, but this does sound quite extreme.
I used to always respond to text messages within 5 minutes if I was interested in someone, no matter what I was doing I'd drop everything just to respond, haha. But nowadays I'm just so busy I sometimes take a whole day to reply, that has nothing to do with me not being interested in the other person,
I just have a lot of stuff to do. So it could be true that he doesn't respond quickly because he isn't as interested, but it is also possible that he just doesn't have a lot of time. I guess only he can give you the answer.
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Not so very long ago, before cell phones came along, it was acceptable to not answer the phone if you were eating or otherwise busy. If you had an answering machine, people could leave a message but they realized that you might not get it right away and that, even then, you might not be able to reply quickly.
These days we have gotten into the habit of answering the cell phone whenever and wherever we are. There is no rule that says we have to do this. We have simply become overly charmed by the technology.
In your case, I think you need to take three things into consideration, First, your relationship is not that serious with your friend. Second, you do have plans to meet up this weekend and he has not called to cancel. Third, you should remind yourself that you are apt to get extremely anxious about this sort of thing and you probably should not be Try finding something else to do, looking forward to the weekend and giving the fellow the benefit of the doubt. Life is really too short to worry over casual friends like this. Just think, you could be living back in the days when it took weeks for letters to go back and forth.
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I can't improve better than [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] advice. Relax.
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You seem to be handling it well. For me the red flag is not the rate of texting, it's the fact that the guy describes himself as 'bored.' I'd never date someone who was bored. There's no such thing as being bored. There are just boring people. So yeah, you're probably wasting your little, precious time with him, and he's wasting his life thinking he's bored.
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Back in the day there was the whole not answering the phone or calling too soon dilemma. No one was certain when to call, when to answer (when caller ID came along) because one didn't want to seem to desperate.'
Perhaps this is his problem when texting?
Or maybe he is like me and just doesn't do the text thing or like it?
If it is a problem for you and you have questions, you should ask those questions. If there is an 'Us' there, then might as well start with honesty and communication now.
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I'd encourage bypassing the flawed and indirect communication method of texting when it is so treacherous for you in a relationship.
Simply talk. Use the phone as a phone.
If you have a BF who avoids talking and prefers to pepper you with messages instead, that is probably a sign that there is a communication problem beyond your anxieties.
Just talk. It's worked for millions of years.
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I often take a long time to answer texts, but that's because I can't while I'm at work (my boss has an issue with it and we share an office). I obviously can't answer at hockey practice, or on training runs. BUT I explain the situation ahead of time to new acquaintances. Like, I'm occupied, not rude or indifferent. But your BF doesn't seem to do much of anything, which I think would bother me more than the text message thing.
A previous poster said that you should talk to him about it and I agree. If you can do it in a non-confrontational, humorous way it will defuse the desperation factor. You know, like "Dude! I thought you fell off the edge of the earth, but here you are. Awesome!" or whatever seems to fit.
Anxiety sucks. The only way I've found to deal with it is to find out the truth about what I'm anxious over.. Like, after the first 3 nerve-wracking months on my job where my boss is very stingy with words, I finally asked him if he was satisfied with the job I was doing. He said yes, and if that ever changed he'd tell me. Sweet relief...
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Camfer Wrote:You seem to be handling it well. For me the red flag is not the rate of texting, it's the fact that the guy describes himself as 'bored.' I'd never date someone who was bored. There's no such thing as being bored. There are just boring people. So yeah, you're probably wasting your little, precious time with him, and he's wasting his life thinking he's bored.
Nailed it.
totally......
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Thank you all for your advice and input.
I heard back just around 4:00 o'clock today, but it was a bit discouraging.
We were planning to see a show this Saturday, as per my friend's idea. However, he never communicated where the show was, what time it was, and if/when to buy tickets. I believe that it's on him to communicate that information, since it was his idea, so I didn't probe at all, hoping he'd deliver that information, which never happened.
The message informs me that the show has sold out, which is usually the case of these kind of things (almost always sold out the day of and possibly before too).
To my surprise, he does (I think half-heartedly) attempt to repair the evening, by suggesting either to go to the venue (still don't know where it is) to see if tickets are available, or doing "something else."
Before his show idea, I had suggested we could have had dinner at my place (our previous 2 meetings had been coffee). In retrospect, I think that was a bad idea given the nature of the relationship and what I have been learning. That suggestion was completely ignored (e.g. he didn't even say "oh well I wouldn't feel so comfortable with that").
I don't think I'll bother attempting to save the evening with him.
In regards to the texting rate, he did (ironically) ask why my response was so long at one point.
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