Dad has cancer

[Bhp91126]

Early in January my dad went to the hospital to have one of his kidneys checked, which had appeared 'off' in an X-Ray of his spine. Next day they took the kidney out which was enlarged and already desintegrating. They found a couple more metastasis in the lung and pelvis. Since that surgery he's recovered somewhat, now he's back for biopsies and follow up surgeries, but the outlook is bleak. We still don't know anything regarding follow up treatment and therapy, because the hospitals bureaucracy is agonizing.

On Friday I'm going to Germany to be with my folks for 2 weeks. I'm going to be working there everyday and try to help my mom take care of my dad.

Where I need advice is how to prepare for the worst while hoping for the best? How do I talk to my dad about his cancer? What can I bring up about the cancer or should I wait for him to bring it up?

Any advice or experiences you can share would help.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Different people respond differently to the "C" word. How your dad responds to it I don't know - thus I can't give you any solid plan of action on how to broach the subject with him.

Since this appears to not be going well, I strongly suggest that anything and everything you want for your dad to know should be told to him soon.

I have no idea what type of person your father is. If he is the type to hide/bury or downplay illness then most likely you are going to have to be just a little pushy here and insist on truth. If he is the type that approaches the matter practically and logically, then he most likely already has the speech laid out in his head.

The whole idea of preparing for the worst and hoping for the best is at best an exercise in verbal futility. I have seen way too many loved ones think that they had prepared and were ready when the time came, to discover that no they were not.

Death is merely the completion of life. We all complete life in our own way. Yes it is a sad parting when it happens, but keep in mind it is the natural order of things - remind yourself of this over the coming days, weeks, months - however long, it tends to take a bit of the bitter sting of grief away when that time comes.

Small consolation is that you know that his health is poor and that he might very well be facing his mortality, thus you are given the chance to tell him things which humans tend to forget to say all the time, but ultimately when the person they want to say it do leaves they desperately want to say those things.

[Albie]

My advice is to let him know that you are there for him and the family. Be with him and when he wants to talk about it, you will be there with him.

Good luck.

[East]

Listen to him ..whatever it is he wants to say. Dealing with the death of a parent is very difficult and there is no right way to go about it.

I watched a lot of people die of cancer in the past 20 years..both of my parents did...but it was when people were dying of AIDS that I learned what to do....

I remember seeing my friends one by one having to face death and I saw most people didn't want to talk about it and so I thought that what I could do to "help" was to let them tell me how they were feeling...let them know I was listening to them and they weren't all of a sudden invisible...letting them know that I cared...and that I loved them....

...and what I learned...there aren't too many Hallmark moments. It is never as neat and heartwarming as they portray in the movies. It is messy...and it is scary..and it will break your heart...and it will stay with you forever...but it is so much better to have participated in their life at the end ...listening....caring...just being there....making them comfortable and at peace when they leave....

He will let you know what he needs...everyone is different. He may want to talk...he may want to be silent. Whatever happens...he will be happy that you are there...it will help him...sometimes that is exactly what they need....

,...and if you are there at the end....letting them know it is OK to go...I have had to do that more than once and it slayed me but I felt so priveledged to have been there...and I don't regret it. As difficult as it may be...letting him know you love him and you cared enough to be there might be exactly everything he needs...

One more thing...after the death...you will have to process it. It will help if you can talk about it...it helps a lot. There are a lot of stages to go through after the death of someone you love...

I am sorry about your father...Take care of yourself ((()))

[Pyromancer]

My advice is to let him know that you are there for him and the family. Be with him and when he wants to talk about it, you will be there with him.

Good luck.

Yes. Let your dad take the lead, and be brave enough to be honest. I was 19 when my mom died of lung cancer that spread to the brain. It was just the 2 of us, no other family. The doctors explained that treatment might buy her a little more life, but that the quality of that life would be harsh. She opted to forego treatment and go into hospice care. I learned so much from those incredible people.

The worst thing was when people would be all cheerful and tell her everything was going to be fine. She said it felt like they were telling her to Shut Up and it made her feel small and foolish. When she told the woman from hospice that she felt like she didn't have much time left, the woman sat down, took her hand and said, Yes. Just that, but it seemed to give my mom peace and comfort.

And you're never truly emotionally prepared. I went through it all, day by day, and watched my mom fading. I listened to everything the hospice people said, and I was ready,. And the day she died, it was as much of a shock as if she'd been in perfect health and suddenly hit by a truck. I was devastated. Out of the blue.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Hardheaded1]

Good counsel is all in this thread.

Just offer what YOU have to give. For some, they simply cannot aid or abet death and therefore any facade of bravery for their loved ones in dying is a bit brittle. For others, they could pull the plug if asked.

Be true to yourself, but go with the situation and offer what your father seems to need. He may or may not want to fight it, may or may not want to discuss it, may or may not want to be closer as he dies.

As has been stated already, triangulate. Ensure that you have someone among your loved ones with whom YOU can share your own feelings so that you can maintain strength for him.

Best to you.

[Rareboy]

Both my mother and my 'second' mother died of cancer. With my mother, it was only 13 weeks from diagnosis to death. With my good friend Jean, it was about a year.

The thing to remember is not to take your grief and turn it sideways into anger. It is too easy to take your frustration and anxiety and turn it outward against others.

The other thing is to make the most of every moment they have with you. Talk and talk and talk. About anything they want to talk about. If they do. Drink well, Eat well.

Focus on managing pain. Not making more of it.

It can be a breathtakingly emotional and draining experience. There can also be moments of great joy and laughter even in the face of death.

My thoughts will be with you.

[MikeW]

Wonderful advice in this thread. I have nothing to add, only underscore the "being there". These can be some of the most important moments in your life. At the same time, there can be a ton of frustration dealing with medical bureaucracy.

[Maverick]

Sorry to hear about this tough, difficult time. Sometimes the unspoken words are also powerful, you just being there will mean a whole lot. Some great advice has already been given; wishing you and your family all the best.

[LJay]

I am truly sorry that you and your family are having to face this. The challenge is open-ended, so try hard to be adaptable.

Of course, it will help your parents a lot if you can assist with practicalities. Making sure business and legal affairs are in order and that groceries are there and meals are taken care of. This may help to take some of the strain off your mother and allow her to spend more time with your father. The other thing that comes to mind is talking to you father about what is important to him. Maybe he has some family history that he wants you to know or stories to share. Give him a chance to pass these things on. And yes, listen. Just being there and being family will help both your parents. You might want to get to know the doctors and nurses so that ou can communicate with them if you have to return to the US. The same goes for your parents' friends and pastor if they are churchgoers.

Having had a couple of bouts with cancer, I can tell you that it is very important to keep on living one's life. Things change, but you still need to do the things that are important to you. Those may be anything from having our morning coffee to visiting friends to making an excursion that you always wanted to do. I found that I liked being up early and sitting on the porch to see the sunrise and hear the birds. The time alone was more than soothing. Help you dad to enjoy what he has and not to stress.

Oddly enough, someone said something to me when I told him what was happening that really helped. He said that he hoped I would be able to manage the disease. I found out that he was right. It helped me to tell the illness what I was doing about it instead of taking orders from the malady.

Good luck. Sending prayers and scattering smiles along your way to give you strength.