When is an ex not an ex?

[mvoco]

Anyone who's read my previous rambling posts on the topic of My Actor (as he has become known amongst my friends) will know he's older than me, he broke up with his longterm on/off partner months ago. We've only been together two months and it's been great - why are you writing here then you ask?!

Well, we haven't had any problems or major rows, everything has been - lovely. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic or trite way. It's like we just fit together and if someone was saying this to me I'd roll my eyes at the tweeness of it but, that's how it is. It's good. He's a gent. He's funny, he's romantic, he's gentle. Ok he's a little grumpy in the mornings and has a hatred of mircowaved food (how else are you supposed to cook stuff?!) and is refusing to join me in quiting smoking but that's all pretty minor. Sex is great and I still fancy the arse off him! He even introduced me to his child, although as a "mate" and we spent the day together. And I get along well with the mother of his child.

But. He is still friends with his ex. I didn't expect him to cut the guy off entirely, they've known each other years and he has said that before they broke up they were more like friends than lovers. They have loads of friends in common and both work in the same industry. They cross paths a lot. They arrange to cross paths. I think that's what's bothering me.

They've met for coffee a few times. It's not something he's hidden from me, he doesn't make a big deal of it and maybe I shouldn't either. But then I found out he'd been talking to his ex about serious stuff to do with his kid, and he never mentioned this stuff to me. He sought out his ex's opinion instead. His first week filming a tv show and he met with his ex to talk about being nervous. He brought me out for dinner to celebrate the end of his first week's filming. He didn't talk to me about being nervous.

I don't want to just be there for the easy, fun times. I care about him. Maybe it's just because they were together for so long and we haven't been. Maybe he'll become more open with me, we just need more time. But then I can't help but remember he and his ex have broken up before and he ended up going back to him. Is this normal behaviour when a couple who have been together for years have split up amicably?

[Iceblink]

I know it is difficult, but two months is a very young relationship. Most people would not yet be to the stage of discussing important life plans. If someone has been in a previous longterm relationship, as he has, it is very common to take things slowly in the next relationship. Talking about life plans and philosophies in general terms is one thing, but taking it to a personal and specific level is something different. One of other thing to remember, his ex was and is probably a part of that child's life, something much more than what you have been so far in the two months you've been with your boyfriend.

[Hardheaded1]

He's annoying, very, very annoying.

Get in or get out. He should, that it.

What does he want? What IS he doing? Doesn't sound like he knows.

Fickle.

[Rareboy]

I'm torn.

He sounds like a real douchenozzle sometimes. A total egotist who just lives on the world revolving only around him. But he is an 'ac-tor' and we all come to expect this behaviour from them....particularly if they are modestly successful.

But you are just a 2 month thing. His relationship with his former partner goes much deeper than anything the two of you could possibly have shared in this time.

Do not try to fuck his friendship up by being jealous or demanding.

You decide whether you are in or out....whether you can share your lover with his ex until he has developed the same level of trust and rapport with you as with the guy he left on very good terms.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fail to see a problem here.

But then I can see the other side of this issue, take 'the child' or 'the kid' - The ex knows the child, most likely had a hand in raising the child, thus has a far richer knowledge base when it comes to dealing with any issues the child may present.

Stage Nerves - they both work in the same industry, and this most likely isn't the first time of 'the nerves'.

Yes there are a rather large number of Long Term Relationships that end friendly and the couple can move from lovers to 'just friends' and still maintain healthy contact. A lot of couples discover after a time that they are no longer lovers, good friends - sure, we get a long, we like each other, but we no longer have that bonding love for one another.

If my ex wasn't such an idiot I would be on amicable terms with him, might even be sending him regular emails, seek is advice on a few things. But then he and I have many years of living under the same roof and I know he knows me far better than anyone else in my life - he knows my history, my moods, how I deal with crap on a day to day basis (which isn't healthy BTW).

I can't think of another living human being who can take one look at me and know something is 'wrong'. But then the ex 'earned' that ability through nearly 18 years of living under my roof.

To be fair your jealousy is valid as an emotion. You feel what you feel for what reasons you feel it, however you do need to temper it with reason and be able to step back and look at each situation with a bit more rational thought.

Sadly the real issue here is not the ex, not that he talks with the ex, has a friendship with the ex, a history, the real problem is that you are the rebound lover. Your BF has not had enough time to figure out who he is as a single individual.

[MikeW]

... But then I can't help but remember he and his ex have broken up before and he ended up going back to him. Is this normal behaviour when a couple who have been together for years have split up amicably?

I would say, more or less, yeah. My best friend is my first ex (a woman), we're like brother and sister and have known one another now for 40 years, and none of my other (male/male) relationships could happen without an acceptance of my relationship with her. Big difference in this case, though, is although we communicate a lot, she doesn't live close so I only see her in person twice a year.

But what I wana know is, have you discussed this with your actor guy? How you feel about it? I can certainly understand you might have some reservations about their relationship, given their history. It calls into question the security of your own relationship. But maybe that isn't the way to think about this. Maybe what determines your relationship with your actor is YOUR relationship with him--how you feel about one another--not how he feels about his ex. I wonder if you see what I mean… Your guy comes with a history and already established relationships. The question is, can you live with that? If not… it is *that* that is the threat to your relationship, not the ex.

[mvoco]

I am trying not to be the jealous new boyfriend. I understand the history, well sort of, I mean they've known each other more than a decade and were a couple on/off for most of that - my longest romantic relationship has been a year or so! It's why I haven't raised the topic with him and instead tried to take a step back from it.

As I said, he's been very open about everything, that is, about when they meet, what their relationship was like... We talk a lot, about all sorts, it's part of what attracts me to him, but I feel like now we only talk about stuff, things, past tense and he's holding back the more personal stuff. But when I feel myself thinking about that I say yeah, of course he is, so are you - you've only been together two months!

I guess, I felt like maybe I should be worrying because I mentioned it to a friend after he said he'd seen my guy with his ex having a coffee. I said I knew he'd met up with him and we got talking and he found the whole situation bizarre and couldn't understand why I didn't. And then that night my guy and I went to an event, nothing fancy, a local charity thing but some people wanted photos with him and a photographer for the event asked to take his photo, or both of us together and he said no to us being photographed together. It shouldn't have stung as much as it did because I know he doesn't broadcast his sexuality and doesn't like sharing information about his personal life, he never got photographed with his ex either, but for a moment... maybe it was just because I was still confused the earlier chat with my friend. I suddenly had all sorts of questions floating around in my head.

It's mentioned above that his ex probably had a hand in raising his child to a degree, but that's not the case. Obviously his ex knew the child, but they never actually lived together as a couple and the child lives fulltime with his mum (they live ten minutes away and see each other almost everyday) and so probably the child wasn't around both of them very often. He does seem to want to keep that separate, although like I said he did introduce me to the child - to the child's mother first on a night out with their mutual friends, and I guess I passed inspection or whatever! Maybe despite not being directly involved in the child's upbringing he still talked through stuff with his ex and maybe thats why he still feels more comfortable seeking his advice. To be honest, my only knowledge of children is from having been one!

[East]

My advice is to let it go....

Do not make any attempt to curtail his friendship...it is a bad idea and he will resent you for it..

If you are afraid of him going back to his ex...it will be more likely to happen if you tell him that he can't see him any longer.

He chose you...

If you need to calm your mind down...tell yourself that anything can happen and there is not much you can do about it anyway...so relax and enjoy the ride...there are NEVER any guarantees anyway...

[Lexington]

I guess, I felt like maybe I should be worrying because I mentioned it to a friend after he said he'd seen my guy with his ex having a coffee. I said I knew he'd met up with him and we got talking and he found the whole situation bizarre and couldn't understand why I didn't.

It sounds like some of the drama is coming from the outside of this relationship. And honestly, it should probably stay there. It sounds like he's playing by the rules - he's not only staying on good terms with his ex (which is usually the best way), but he's keeping you informed as to his interactions with him.

Lex

[mvoco]

It sounds like he's playing by the rules - he's not only staying on good terms with his ex (which is usually the best way), but he's keeping you informed as to his interactions with him.

He is, isn't he? He's being an adult and I'm being... daft probably!