When is an ex not an ex?

[MikeW]

He is, isn't he? He's being an adult and I'm being... daft probably!

Yeah, you need to kind of chill out... but it's not like I don't understand your feelings of insecurity or whatever you'd want to call them. But [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] is right, there are no guarantees no matter what the situation is.

As for the photograph thing mentioned above, I don't know of course but I can totally understand that his getting photographed is part of his career, and being in a spot light (literally and figuratively) is a lot of what that's all about. He's probably not ready to share that with you... which has nothing to do with YOU as a person. I'm imagining how awkward I'd feel if I *did* have my picture taken with him and *then* reporters or w/e started asking me a bunch of questions about our relationship. Uggg... to me, "fame" or any public interest in m private life, is something to be avoided at all costs.

[mvoco]

As for the photograph thing mentioned above, I don't know of course but I can totally understand that his getting photographed is part of his career, and being in a spot light (literally and figuratively) is a lot of what that's all about. He's probably not ready to share that with you... which has nothing to do with YOU as a person. I'm imagining how awkward I'd feel if I *did* have my picture taken with him and *then* reporters or w/e started asking me a bunch of questions about our relationship. Uggg... to me, "fame" or any public interest in m private life, is something to be avoided at all costs.

Not being photographed with him at this stuff doesn't bother me, I REALLY don't want the attention! I'm not sure why it stung that night, like I said maybe just because of my prior conversation with my friend.

Well, since yesterday there is another ex on the scene... not quite on the scene but... A woman he had a relationship with a couple of years ago contacted him yesterday. She doesn't live in the UK anymore but she will be back here next month. Someone they know is starring in a play and she's going to see it and now my guy has decided to go and see it the same night she. It's in another part of the country and requires an overnight, he says she asked if they could meet and have a catch-up and he had been planning to make the trip to see the play anyway.

Again, he's been very open about it. He had mentioned her before, she's about my age and he and his partner split up because of her. He even moved in with her but things didn't work out, he hasn't elaborated as to why. Looks like she moved away then and he got back with his ex - other ex. It was about two years ago. I hadn't realised he was still in touch with this woman and he said he isn't really, its more through mutual acquaintances, but she called him.

I don't know anyone who is on apparently such good terms with ALL their exes! I said this to him and he just laughed. He hasn't invited me to come and see the play, despite saying the first time he mentioned his friend was going to be in that maybe we could go together. I'm nit sure if I should ask to go or if it'll look like I'm just doing so because of this woman. Maybe I am just doing so because of this woman.

[MikeW]

...I don't know anyone who is on apparently such good terms with ALL their exes! I said this to him and he just laughed. He hasn't invited me to come and see the play, despite saying the first time he mentioned his friend was going to be in that maybe we could go together. I'm nit sure if I should ask to go or if it'll look like I'm just doing so because of this woman. Maybe I am just doing so because of this woman.

Well, I think the point that is showing up here is this is how your guy is… I have no idea what is going on in his mind. Maybe he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. That is, he has you, he has his exs and his relationship with them is more ambiguous than you might like, which is fine with him, because he doesn't want any of them to be "over with" -- still having his cake and all.

But for us here in this forum what matters is you… how YOU are with all this. That's the question… cus if you can accept "he is like this and I love him regardless"… then all is well and good. But if NOT… if you need MORE than this, if you need total attention, monogamous attention, not just sometimes but all the time… then there is a problem here. And the problem isn't with WHAT or HOW he is doing whatever… its with how you feel about it. It is totally fine for you to feel however you do, don't get me wrong about that. No judgement. You have every right to want, indeed NEED, whatever you do… and we want to support you in that. BUT, you may have to realize that you aren't going to get THAT from this man.

So there's the rub… are you going to be not merely 'ok' but 'good' with that? If not… then you need to realize this and own it and accept that this relationship isn't going to work for you. You have every right to have the kind of relationship you want but you also need to accept the responsibility for knowing when you're NOT getting what you want and need from someone.

Is this making sense… or am I way off the mark here?

[Rareboy]

He should at least invite you to see the play.

I still think some times for what you write that he expects you to be a short term thing.

[mvoco]

So there's the rub… are you going to be not merely 'ok' but 'good' with that? If not… then you need to realize this and own it and accept that this relationship isn't going to work for you. You have every right to have the kind of relationship you want but you also need to accept the responsibility for knowing when you're NOT getting what you want and need from someone.

Is this making sense… or am I way off the mark here?

I get what you are saying, I suppose the problem is I don't know the answer. I don't mind him being friends with his exes, good friends even, but I won't put up infidelity. I honestly don't believe he's sleeping with (lets call his former longterm Tom because I'm confusing myself with 'ex'!), I don't think it's about sex with Tom because they weren't doing it much whilst they were together - and thats not just his word, a friend of theirs also said they were more like best mates than lovers.

This woman though... He actually moved in with her, he had never lived with Tom or any other partner as far as I know, so something was different with her. I've searched online to try and see a photo of her but only found her Facebook profile photo and she is attractive. He's given very little information about their relationship in comparison to how much he has talked about his and Tom's.

I guess I need to decide if I trust him, but I'm not sure I know him well enough. I care about him a lot, maybe even am starting to fall in love... But maybe I am just a short term fling in his eyes. It hasn't felt that way up until now but maybe he really is just a very good actor...

I feel really confused.

[Semaj]

Their friends, sadly for a long time the other guys opinion will be worth more than yours because he's had him their for advice for much longer. Hopefully over time things get better for you.

Xx

[EvenOlderButWiser]

He is, isn't he? He's being an adult and I'm being... daft probably!

No you're not being daft at all.

Its a relatively new relationship and your still finding your feet and working out if this is something long term or not.

The good news is that he's being open with you about the ex(s) and not trying to hide anything. Clearly the ex(s) and he go back a long way, and it will likely be sometime before you are fully in his confidence. After all your new to him also.

My (now) ex was similar in that he maintained a friendship with his ex(s) The difference was he was hiding it completely from me and I found out by accident after coming home early from work one day. My problem however was that he wanted to maintain a friendship with every ex, and I then found out that he was still sleeping around with some of them behind my back.

I do find it strange why some guys find it necessary to bring their baggage into a new relationship, and having been badly stung in the past will be much more wary going forward.

Give it time, let the relationship grow and just go with the flow. If jealousy is an issue, then wither control it, or move on to someone with less baggage.

[mvoco]

Thanks for all the responses. I have a lot of thinking to do, but the fact that he continues to be honest and open about his exes means a lot and I think I'm going to see how things progress.

[mvoco]

As an update - he's invited me to attend the play next month when he meets up with Ms Ex! He acted like it was obvious I was invited - invitation goes without saying kinda thing. Told him sometimes subtleties are lost on me so he might need to state the obvious on occasion!

[Rareboy]

That is nice. If you are part of the party with the ex...that is a good sign.

now behave......