New here, shell shocked

[LikesTightness]

Hi all,
My name is Jack. I'm 49 years old, married to the same beautiful woman for many years. I had been very unhappy for a long time. Last year I told my wife I wanted a divorce, but ended up staying with her. I had been quite depressed, even suicidal at times, but finally decided I needed to make some changes in my life.
I had known for a long time that I was attracted to other men, but never acted on it. Yes, I did give and receive oral a few times (probably less than 10 times) over the years, but never any anal (yes, I'm a virgin). These were all ABS random encounters.
Recently I registered on another gay forum site and right away was driven away because I'm married. My introduction posting was met with rude insults, vile name calling ("sleazy prick", "adulterer", "lousy husband", "cunt", etc). I was very much judged by the guys there. Please, I do not want to go through that again, so if you don't have anything nice to say, then please don't say it. I never knew gays could be so incredibly mean. I always thought they were some of the nicer and more accepting people on this planet. Evidently that is not true for all. It was more like visiting a hornet's nest.
I am a very nice, loving and caring person who is going through a difficult time in life. I'm specifically looking for feedback from any other married men who are having a same sex relationship on the side, without their wife's knowledge. I know that some people consider this immoral, but heh, I didn't come here to have a 20 year old who has never been married chastise me for being immoral. I know it's immoral. I don't need you to tell me that.
When I first started exploring by posting an ad on craigslist, I began to feel like I had found what was missing in my life. I met one man, he is extremely sweet, cute, 125lbs, 5'3". He wants to go slowly but made it very clear he eventually wants me to make love to him. We have not done anything besides a little mutual masturbation. Again, please, no judgment.
I have also been emailing a guy who is very handsome and sexy and I am extremely attracted to him. I have fantasized about having him take my virginity. We have not actually met yet.
I am having a lot of mixed emotions about all of this. It has brought me hope of future enjoyment and happiness, but it has also brought fear, guilt and shame. I would love to hear from others who have gone through this. I am specifically interested in hearing from guys at least close to my age (or older) and married, although all replies are welcomed and appreciated.
Thanks, Jack

[East]

Hi Jack! Welcome to GS!

I am older than you (57)...never married...and I am not going to scream at you but I am going to give you the same advice I give everyone in his situation whether they are gay or straight or anything in between....

I don't think anyone should live their life unhappy and this is the ONE SHOT at life in this body that you have..so being true to yourself is important....

...and one of the ways to do that is to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Self respect matters...and being honest with your mate is so important...

Do you have a genuine friendship with her? Can you talk to her about your feelings?

I think if the people were yelling at you before it is because deception in any relationship is something that everyone can relate to ...

When a guy in a relationship with another guy talks about cheating on him...there is no real outpour of support...here...or anywhere. Being deceived in any relationship can do so much permanent damage to the person who trusts you...and it exposes them to everything you expose yourself to and they didn't agree to it.

I wish you much happiness in your journey ahead but please do consider being honest with your wife first...she may surprise you and accept it...she may already even know. I know of many cases where both of these scenarios happened.

[Rareboy]

^ This.

You can't remain in a marriage and cheat. It will only diminish you and your partner. Be honest with her and let her decide if she is okay with the two of you staying together as friends and companions. The danger is that you fall in love with some guy and then betray her emotionally instead of just sexually.

All you have to do is put the happiness of each of you ahead of convenience.

[ShiftyNJ]

Jack, when you told her you wanted a divorce, did you discuss the reason? Does she have any sense of what you're carrying around all these years? What made you decide to back off from that?

Oh, and welcome to the board.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Not judging when I say the following.

BEFORE you go out and have your cherry picked, you need to either get the wife's permission or get separated and work on that divorce.

Two reasons:

A. Its unfair to her to believe she is in a monogamus marriage to a straight guy, because sooner or later these trists are going to come to her attention and it will devastate her.

B. Few gay men actually date or do much with 'straight' guys. Or bi guys or anyone who doesn't seem to be well grounded in their sexuality.



As East pointed out, everyone is pretty much against the idea of cheating (yes many do cheat, but are still opposed to the idea). Yeah we get your reasons, you want to stay in the closet and have the straight life, yet at the same time you want to be a gay man and have the perceived perks of being gay (Pro-tip- there ain't no perks to being gay).

You are not alone in these. Go on over to Craigslist and read through the M2M adverts and see how many "straight married men" are seeking 'discreet' sex on the side. They, like you, got caught up in living the straight lie for: reasons - and have lived long enough to regret doing that, thus want a way out to get into the gay world and be who they are.

Depression and suicidal thoughts and all of that are part of this game. Many a 'straight' gay men have ended up suffering in silence due to living 'the lie'. Most are also terrified of the consequences of coming out later in life, of having to turn their whole life upside down, run the risk of losing friends and loved ones.... Sound familiar?

I assure you, the grass is NOT greener on this side of the fence. Go ahead and check our or members list and see how many single gay and bi men there are here. Go ahead and read through our posts in the various forums and learn just how many gay men are single and seeking a decent mate.

Sure there are those who have a great sex-fantasy-life style, promiscuity does come with its prices. These are the rarer ones, the majority of us are too busy with things like work, living, making ends meet, etc to have this fantasy gay lifestyle that everyone seems to think we have.

I would strongly urge you to seek a therapist to work on the depression and suicidal thoughts aspect here. Drugs might help, but this sounds very much like a situational depression and not chemical, thus you stand a far greater chance of getting over and beyond the depression with therapy.

The Bay Area has lots and lots of LGBT support services and therapists. Perhaps if you seek one out in San Jose or San Francisco you can get LGBT targeted therapy - meaning a therapist who can assist you in figuring out how to make this transition from being a married closeted homosexual to being an openly gay (and single) man.

And not to lecture, nor to judge, but please, please, please (three pleases) don't cheat on the wife. When she finds out you're gay its going to do weird things to her head, finding out that you have been having sex outside of the marriage will devastate her.

Understand she was lead to believe that you were straight and wanted to marry her for life as a straight man. Its going to be a hard pill to swallow that you lied to her, used her to keep your cover. She most likely ain't going to like the idea once she thinks about the implications here.

So a therapist may give you useful tools and communication skills for you to broach this subject with the wife and do the least amount of damage when you do come out.

Good luck

[LikesTightness]

Thank you so much for your feedback.
I told my wife I was no longer sexually attracted to her and had not been for a long time. I told her I did not want to remain in a sexless marriage. We've been married for a very long time and there is a lot to this. To give you all the background would take a novel.
My wife is ultra conservative and quite fragile (bipolar). I do have a lot of fear of losing her. It became clear to me that divorcing her would destroy my life and her, both. She was devastated when I told her. She stopped eating and lost a lot of weight very quickly. Her family is already very unhappy with me. Her mother is quite wealthy.
When I started exploring relationships with another man I not only lost my depression, but I also started being much more sexual with my wife. She has been very happy lately and so have I. I don't want to ruin that. So I am having this conundrum. Do I tell her about my bisexuality and risk losing everything (house, marriage, alimony, race car, inheritance, etc.)?
Yes, I should discuss this with her, but the results could be disastrous for both her and I. Obviously this is huge for me.
I hope you can see that is not something I want to bring up without lots of careful consideration, and preparation ahead of time. This is really why I'm here. I can't be the only bisexual married guy out there. Both of the men I mentioned are married and DO NOT want their wives to know. So, I do nothing for now, and I find myself slipping back into depression.
Jack

[Wolfpack]

Hi Jack welcome to GS.

You need to be honest with yourself and your wife, because at the moment you are just making yourself miserable and that isn't any good is it ?

Being truthful with your wife is going to be very hard and painful for both of you, but staying the way you are at the moment is not going to do you any good.

I hope that the advice you get from people on this forum is helpful to you, and that you feel welcome on here.

[MikeW]

...So, I do nothing for now, and I find myself slipping back into depression. ...

So what do you think the depression is about? Not asking you to tell us, necessarily, but it is something to really think about.

I was in a heterosexual relationship for 10years before I partnered with a man but my situation was very different. For one thing, my lady knew I was gay from the beginning. It's a whole long story I'll not go into (we're still best friends, going on 40 years later). However, when I began emerging from that relationship I joined an on-gong "married gay-men's group." It was a weekly two-to-three hour support group for men who were currently or who had been at one time either married or in a relationship with a woman. Many of the men were dealing with coming out issues, and not only to their wives but their children and extended families. All this to say that I'm somewhat familiar with at least some of the issues you're dealing with. Having a good lawyer is highly recommended but, given you say you're getting a divorce, I assume you already have one.

Are you seeing a therapist for your depression? It's highly advised. Depression is tricky stuff, especially if you're having suicidal ideations. Often that goes way back… IOW, deep emotional issues being triggered by current circumstances.

Welcome to the forum and good luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Jack,

Therapist. Seriously. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this - the right way is an unknown to me since I know there is a lot more (decades more) to this. Plus your wife is 'delicate' which will require a bit of finesse and learning to couch the problem to the wife in a way that will not shove her over the edge.

There are a lot of therapists in the bay area who specialist in LGBT issues: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=lgb...s+bay+area

You need the discretion of a trained professional here.

The problem with dating other married men is that humans are not all rational and logical - they are highly emotional and this sort of thing has a tendency for emotions to arise, like love, jealousy and other things which could put you in a situation where you are emotionally blackmailed (or blackmailed in other ways) by a guy who threatens to tell your wife to get stuff out of you - be it money, support, love - whatever.

Trust me, there are a lot of sickos out there who could use this situation against you.

This is why you need to do this in a manner that absolves you from having to live a lie. Honesty gives you freedom to pursue whatever without risk that some wing-nut holds your marriage ransom, or causes you horrific greif.

Then there are just the busy-bodies who pick up information and spread it willy-nilly. No matter how 'discreet' you try to be, with each sexual encounter you run a risk and sooner or later you will tip your hand. Cheaters are caught all the time. And when (not if, when) that happens, especially with your wife's delicate condition, the consequences will be huge.

There is this phenomenon called 'cat fishing', there are also sociopaths and psychopaths who would love nothing more than to find a victim to play their games on. No matter how safe you may feel with these guys, there is sufficient uncertainty here to warrant your seeking a therapist and figuring a way to break this news to the wife and figure out what to do next.

The choice here is not if the wife finds out and if you move on to whatever. The choice is how she finds out and how far your life is going to fall apart in the process.

"and risk losing everything (house, marriage, alimony, race car, inheritance, etc.)"

Seems to me you are married for the wrong reasons. To top it off, telling her runs this risk, not telling her and acting on it runs the same risk of loses. However in the first instance you come off clean and do less damage to her than what will happen when you are finally caught.

As for the using depression as a good reason to cheat on your wife, please Mary.

Harming others to make ourselves feel better never ends well.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It's hard (in my experience) to enjoy life when you aren't living life honestly.

I'm sorry, but although you mention your wife's fragility, you also clump with it losing everything your wife's family money gives you (ie: race car, inheritance, etc). To me this means your reluctance to tell your wife isn't entirely selfless.

You need to be *honest* with both yourself and her. Hell, for all you know she might be ok with you screwing men on the side as long as it's discrete. You won't know until you talk to her about it.