Boyfriend Uses "Cleaning" As Excuse for not Having Sex

[5450danny]

I've been in a relationship with the best guy ever for two and a half years now, but for a year we've only been having sex once a week or sometimes once every two weeks; sometimes once a month. He's never excited about sex, EVER. He'll get horny for oral and kissing, but never sex. I'm always the one prompting him to have sex, and I know if I don't say anything I would never have sex again. His reason, and I've asked him multiple times, is that he doesn't like all the cleaning a bottom has to do before sex. He says it takes too long and he'd rather not do it. But I feel like that's just an excuse to not do it with me because I'm doing something wrong. I've asked him to be honest, but I feel like he's holding back. If cleaning is his only reason, I'm stuck. I respect him not wanting to have sex, I can't force him, but I would think my boyfriend would want to have sex on a regular basis.

I constantly get jealous of hearing about my friends' latest sexual ventures, or how many times they've had sex in a day or in a week. I don't know what to do. I've tried to do so many romantic things, but he doesn't feel inclined to have sex, even when I tell him he doesn't have to clean himself. Maybe he's doing something wrong? I don't know. Do bottoms really avoid sex because they have to clean themselves? Is this a real excuse? Because right now I'm always always always horny for sex and I never seem to get it, even when I'm promised it.

I feel like there's something wrong with me-that I'm inadequate. Or that he's lusting over different people. It's driving me crazy! I would never think about breaking up with him over this, I just want to get him excited about sex that way I am.

[MikeW]

I've been in a relationship with the best guy ever for two and a half years now, but for a year we've only been having sex once a week or sometimes once every two weeks; sometimes once a month. He's never excited about sex, EVER. He'll get horny for oral and kissing, but never sex. ...

First of all, to me "sex" is any activity that gets me aroused erotically. I realize that many use "sex" to ONLY refer to penetration, to me that's a rather limited perspective. When I'm with someone I love and care about and we're getting all turned on making out or what ever, does it really matter HOW or even IF we get to orgasm? That's an end point and for me what matters most is the pleasure of enjoying what is going on in the moment.

That said, you're right, from what you describe, your BF, "the best guy ever," is AVOIDING anal sex with you. And I would generally agree that his excuse "to much trouble," is a form of denial. Something else is going on here…

But that's just a guess based on what you've said. I don't know you or him. And, to me, the best way to find out what "the best guy ever," is thinking and feeling is to ASK … and to do so in a way that isn't confrontational and/or judgmental … as in, "What is wrong with you?" More along the lines of, "Can we work on this problem together? I want us to both be happy… how can I help?" I can imagine all sorts of answers… Maybe he seriously doesn't like the messiness of it; maybe he just isn't that turned on by it; maybe he finds it more painful than pleasurable … something completely different or some combination of things. Maybe he isn't completely sure himself… but it is worth trying to understand, right?

The thing is we (and apparently you, and possibly your "best guy ever,") don't really KNOW what this is all about. We (you) have to hear from him and you need to hear from him when you're really focused on how important HE is to you. So, it isn't just about getting your sexual needs met, its about caring about and caring for someone you value in your life. Someone who is every bit as complex a human being as you are -- only different.

And you may need to do a bit of self-relexion as well. For example, why is anal sex so important to you? (Not saying it shouldn't be… nor am I asking you to explain yourself publicly, but rather to consider, when it comes right down to it, what really matters most in a relationship?)

This could be something that has an easy "fix" … or it could be something way more complicated. In any case, I get it, you're feeling sexually frustrated. Ok, well, yeah, this is a problem you need to work on with your partner, right?

[Lexington]

Roughly half of gay men "rarely" or "never" have anal sex. They stick with manual and oral. I love topping myself, but I've been in lengthy relationships where we almost never had anal, and they were still totally awesome. Perfect? No, but let's just say the manual and oral was good enough to compensate.

Maybe he's one of the guys who simply isn't all that into anal? Or was it he amazingly into it at the beginning of the relationship?

Lex

[Borg69]

It sounds to me like he just doesn't like to bottom. Good news is you say he really likes kissing and oral. Focus on that. Or... to get better perspective why don't you power bottom for a while and give him a break.