How to solve this the right way or is it too late?

[rubeus]

Forgive me for venting/ranting in advance, but I have stuff weighting on me. Plus, it is also a long story that I just cannot get out of my head and am relapsing back to.

A couple of years ago I moved to the UK to study in a good British university to join my boyfriend who left to there a year before me. Everything was fine until he had to leave for his placement abroad. I made friends with a guy who was considerably younger than I am and it was nice until he started to become excessively touchy - placing his head on my shoulder, brushing against me sometimes. I tried to dismiss this as being the "British Way" or part of the lad culture, although it made me feel uncomfortable. Time went by, weeks, months and there were episodes where his touching became more direct in a way - patting the back of my head, placing his hand on my bum, touching my arms when nobodies watching. Caught him staring at me for a couple of times. Never came out to him as gay and stood faithful to my boyfriend, trying to be friendly and polite to the guy but also reserved.

The confusing part of this is that I had a really good time with him by simply conversing. He's an amazing person, well liked by his peers and really attractive too and with my boyfriend being in another country, me feeling lonley, I started to develop feelings for him, feelings I did not have for my boyfriend. But there is a catch - the guy is deeply religious, Catholic and has a girlfriend which is confusing. Goes to Mass every Sunday, prays a couple times a day, carries a prayer book with him, religious educations, religious friends.. After his every attempt to be close and alone with me, he has always taken a step back.
I came out to him later after which he sent me a Bible verse.. Weeks after asking me how gay sex works. Again - confusing.

Our communication ended after having lunch together, where he asked if him touching (the exact phrase was "poking") my lips would freak me out. I was so.. shocked by his directness that aI said - that I certainly would be, which made him recoil and we have never properly spoken about it or about anything again. It happened 9 months ago and I still cannot get it out of my head. He left the uni for a year and I miss him so much. I have tried to get in touch with him but he is avoiding me and obviously does not want to see me or Skype with me. I am feeling so awful about myself - I am still together with my boyfriend who loves me, is cute and a nice guy. We are making plans for our future together but I just cannot get that guy out of my head. I have deleted is phone number and removed him from FB and Skype, but still when I get out of bed - every morning I think of him wishing I could kiss him, hug him and talk to him..but he is out of my reach and I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I cannot bring myself to break up with my boyfriend, as he has a lot on his plate right now and after all these years loves me more than ever.

I feel so miserable, stupid, worn out. Partly, because I was not able to sort things out when it mattered with someone who is possibly the love of my life whom I have come to love but too late and also because I refuse to break my boyfriends heart.. someone who has been accepted into my family and has become a part of it. Still, as time goes by I see no end to it. No matter what I do, those feeling won't pass. I am graduating this summer and moving to somewhere else, yet I already feel there is unfinished business remaining here.. I don't know what to do and I want to put this behind me badly.

I feel like I am stuck. I have been in love before, but never had trouble getting over it if things turned sour.

[wayward]

I think the best course of action is to mourn the loss of your closeted companion. He was in denial of his own nature and that is an unhealthy thing to involve yourself with, especially because he is dedicated to what may develop into a double life. Another thing to consider is your true feelings for the person you call your boyfriend. You say that he loves you, but do you love him in return. I advise you not to shame yourself whatever the truth may be. Be as honest as you can with yourself. Do you appreciate what your boyfriend has to offer. Stringing him along may not be a favor. I suggest you wait for the responses of others here. I am certainly not the most experienced person, and others here tend to give good advice and support.

Sincere best wishes, Rubeus

[Hardheaded1]

Some questions are relevant.

What did you find attractive about this missing almost-lover? Was it his depth of devotion? Was it the age gap? Was it only physical? Did he admire you in an unequal way that somehow made it more desirable because your BF regards you more as a peer? Was it his naivete/purity, and were/are you old enough to have paternal feelings mixing with your erotic ones?

He is an "amazing person" how?

You describe feeling so awful about yourself. Why do you take responsibility for a failed relationship that never was?

What verse did he send you? It would provide a bit more insight into what his thinking was.

You seem to write that it is a certainty that you SHOULD break up with your boyfriend, but you don't seem to allow the possibility that you do love him. Is he doomed to be only a bedwarmer, a surrogate? Love is a choice. You seem to be choosing to love some romantic ideal of a lost lover and deciding not to love your BF. There is no magic potion. We choose to love. We choose to remain in love. We choose to turn our affections or not turn our affections to another. We are not helplessly adrift on seas of emotions. We have the tiller. Think on it.

[MikeW]

I feel for you, [MENTION=22590]rubeus[/MENTION] -- I can't tell you how many times in my life this *kind* of thing has happened. Different but similar enough that I can really feel where you're coming from.

You're in love with something that is more a fantasy than a reality. NOW… can you let yourself have it *for what it is* not for what it "might have been"? It is an inner experience you're having that actually can tell you a lot about yourself if you use it that way. Seriously, all this is way more about YOU, who you are, than it is about this now missing "other guy". He's on his own path… and you are on yours… and the two crossed briefly and has left you… well, what exactly? Confused? Afraid? Feeling guilty? Well.. a lot there to look at. And if it gets truly bothersome, you may want to do so with a professional. Why? Because, in a way, this actual person was like a dream symbol. He *represents* something in your inner world. My best guess? Something within yourself that you've lost or fear losing… but that's just a guess.

NOW… back to the present reality. I agree with what both [MENTION=21087]wayward[/MENTION] and [MENTION=21866]Hardheaded1[/MENTION] have said… You have a lot to look at here. You know, sometimes we have these sorts of experiences in life and we have to decide for ourselves, what do we really want? What *are* your feelings for your partner? If you do love him then turn your attention to him. That doesn't necessarily mean forgetting what happened with this other fellow, but it may mean looking at that experience differently. Think, now, you're a bright guy -- how could that have actually turned out if things had gone further than they did? I see D R A M A in huge red letters, do YOU? I see D A N G E R and H E A R T B R E A K dead ahead… don't you?

So, in a way, I think you might want to consider yourself lucky. That charming, handsome young fellow might very well have cost you YEARS of suffering and agony. What you're experiencing now, having missed the bullet so to say, is merely the barest WAKE of the kind of suffering and pain you might have had to face had things gotten more *real*. (Ummm…. if it isn't obvious, I'm talking somewhat from personal experience here! )

Ok… so… where are we. You have questions to answer from those above me and I look forward to what you have to say. Welcome to the forum and I hope you stick around!

[rubeus]

He is attractive, sure. But i have never really been attracted to straight guys. For me the person matters the most. What made me like him was that he gets me. I'm a complicated person; both really emotional but also logical and scientific but he is the same as me. Also - the "depth of his devotion"; I had never allowed myself to explore faith, but my past professional experiences have pushed me to seek out God. And he helped with this kind of guiding me of sorts. But..if it was not for the (too) affectionate things he did, I would not have fallen for him. I would have never considered him to be interested in me in that way.
He is amazing in the way he treats people around him, he is very nice, selfless. empathic and genuinely cares about the society. Smart, well liked but not arrogant or cocky. Humble. Very sensitive and emotional, trying to hide it, trying to be "a proper lad", which is not great but understandable.

I feel responsible because he mattered to me a lot. I have volunteered for a LGBT youth support group in the past to provide peer-to-peer support, worked as an educator too. I should have tackled this as an adult and helped him to sort stuff out but instead I developed feelings for him and chocked on being honest with him and explain myself.

The verse just underlines the situation; Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

I love my boyfriend, we have been through a lot. But we are very different people. I'd never cheat on him, no matter how much I wanted to in this case but I feel like I am cheating. Love is a choice, I agree. I feel like I made that choice already without truly wanting to; decided to settle for what is, instead of what could possibly have been. I guess the only thing I want to is some closure for this situation. Clarity. To either make amends or move on.

Thank you for your reply. It really made me think about this from a different perspective!

[Borg69]

Most of what you have with this guy is an infatuational fantasy built up in your head, projecting what you THINK a future with him would be like with no basis in fact/experience other than a few flirty touchy feely instances that may or may NOT have meant anything to him.

You have a good thing with your current boyfriend. Do you seriously want to jeopardize that for some fleeting fantasy with nearly zero merit in reality?

[MikeW]

… The verse just underlines the situation; Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."…

Well, if we're going to use Christian metaphors, you're certainly crucifying yourself over this, aren't you? Apparently you feel you have betrayed your partner in your heart, if not in the flesh -- and which sin would be the greater?

But my question is WHY? What is this about for you. I'm not so much interested in this other guy. Sure, he has this and that attribute that 'did it' for you. But that 'did it' is part of YOU, not him.

I don't think you've failed this "test" … I think you've come to something you're still trying to understand about yourself. Indeed, what does this mean for you, for your relationship? What do you really, really want? In Christian terms the answer always is, "First seek God and then all else will be added unto you," (or something to that effect). The point being that Love (capital) has a sacred aspect and is a path toward something ineffable.

Perhaps it is time to read some Plato. Symposium, anyone?

[rubeus]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION], You actually made me think about what I am afraid of losing or have lost. Years ago I was a lot like him; maybe not as humble but I genuinely cared about people around me. Stuff happened, some painful experiences (not boyfriend-related) and I changed, and not for the best. I think he has reminded me of who I once was and I try to get back to it because of him. And I actually am getting there; volunteering and being involved again.
Confused, afraid.. yes!! I perfectly understand all the points made here. I realise how a romantic relationship would have been disastrous in this case. I used to think it might be all in my head, but I have been "touched" in a flirty and meaningless manner. I know the difference how it is to be flirted with by someone who is gay. Let me just say, this dude is the only one who has done a prolonged double handshake with massaging my palm and deep looking in my eyes while standing on the porch
With my current relationship in mind, this is a challenge for me. I have always wanted a lasting relationship with a man, get married, have kids. Me and my boyfriend are on the same page about it. As one of you put it, I really do have a good thing going on here and I like him. But he is 5 years younger than I am. Doesn't he deserve to be loved by someone passionately and fully, the way he loves me? He's a great guy but I have lost that feeling for him and the other guy has "pointed out" what I am missing in my boyfriend in a way. Something he cannot learn or change in himself, not that he should.

[ShiftyNJ]

IF I had to guess, this dude decided that being gay was his "Cross to bear" (possibly he was told this by a Catholic priest who is also in the closet). That is the current "compassionate" RCC advice... it's okay that you are attracted to guys, but you should never act on it.

Sending you that passage was -- in my head anyway -- his way of letting you know that he has, despite whatever attractions or curiosities he's wrestling with, decided to live the life he thinks God wants him to. You may not agree with it (I sure don't) but I don't think you can change it.

I am no stranger to being attracted to unavailable guys, but you have to keep it in perspective, even though it sucks.

I love my boyfriend, we have been through a lot. But we are very different people.

In the meantime... you used to think your boyfriend was "the one"... right? What qualities about Rosary Boy appealed to you that you now think your boyfriend lacks?

[rubeus]

I am no stranger to being attracted to unavailable guys, but you have to keep it in perspective, even though it sucks.

Long story short - I would have not responded to him, if he had not been so touchy-feely about me, i mean he was relentless. For almost a year. Plus, we simply clicked.

And I have never really believed, there is "The One". For me, relationships are an investment of effort and emotion. Some need more to be invested in while other very little. I chose to be with my boyfriend because I liked him and we still share the same life goals.