Sex related depression.

[TragicHope]

Let me please start by saying that I know this won't be the most interesting or particularly enjoyable topic to read, but I guess I just need an outlet. I am extremely depressed and it's mostly all sex related. I'm not looking for sympathy, nor ridicule, but maybe support.

Long story short is that I identify as a bottom but I have never truly bottomed. It is my biggest desire to be a good bottom for a top but I am petrified to do it. Before you go telling me to get over it and try it, hear me out. I used to be the type that wanted to wait for the right guy (I was young and apparently into fairytales) but now I am approaching my late twenties and have still yet to bottom. Years ago it changed from me being scared of the act, to me fearing that I couldn't physically do it. I put it off and put it off but I finally went to the doctor due to anal pain I was experiencing and was told that I have a fissure. I know this is probably more common than I realize, but it was almost like the end of the world for me to hear it. I knew something was wrong, but I was too afraid to hear what it was. I confided in the doctor and told him that I am gay and how would this affect me should I ever decide to have anal sex. He told me it would likely make it much worse, but I could try a botox injection or even surgery to attempt to fix it. Surgery scares me at this point in my life because I have had 8 major ones in my past, and almost did not wake up from my last bout of anesthesia. I was told that I need to be careful of anesthesia in the future because my heart could have been affected. I don't know that this is true, it was so long ago, but my fear is there.

I have tried adjusting my diet, including fiber, drinking more water, cutting caffeine, sitz baths, etc., all in an effort to fix the fissure, but have not had total success. It has gotten better and is not always as painful, but it is literally day to day. Could be fine today, painful tomorrow. I know that having sex would aggravate it a lot.

I have had budding relationships fall apart on me because I have either waited too long or voiced some concern and I can't go through that again. As a result, I have almost cut myself off from even dating, and I won't go the random hook up route because that's not proper for a first timer in that regard. Sure, I've hooked up and done the oral thing a good amount, but never anal.

I've tried to just forget about being a bottom and just look for vers/bottom guys and try being a top. There lies my biggest issue. Or, ironically, the smallest. I have not been blessed with penis size so I absolutely can not compete or be the kind of top I'd want to be. It's incredibly frustrating, embarrassing, and emasculating. If you don't have this problem, you just can't understand. Everyone I've ever hooked up with has been noticeably bigger than me and it just makes me feel so inferior. I know that's silly and ridiculous, but it's absolutely true and that feeling will never change for me.

I feel like I can't physically be a bottom, and I'm not a desirable top. What am I supposed to do? I'm an attractive guy and I'm just trying to focus on toning up my body and being as physically attractive as I can be despite my shortcomings (I can still have a sense of humor..) but it's not enough. I'm so depressed I can't stand it anymore. I've shut people out, I'm feeling lethargic and I just don't want to live like this. I know I probably sound dramatic but I really feel like I will never be happy. And that's half the problem, but with these issues (one I know I can't change), I don't know how I'll ever feel better. Some days I even contemplate how I can disappear in the most painless manner. Please know I'll likely never go through with that, not unless I'm old and as alone as I am now, but the fact that I think about it is troubling. I'm a really good hearted, kind person and you'd never know I struggle like this based on my personality, but I cry myself to sleep at night. I feel pathetic.

if you've actually read all of this, thank you. I don't feel there is much that can be said that I haven't thought about. I'll go to another doctor someday, I'll try more options, I'll probably eventually even fall for someone and let them try it and have a problem and that'll end everything, but I'm used to it by now. I am sounding negative, but if you knew my track record and horrible luck with men, you'd understand why. I guess negative is all that I can feel right now.

If anyone wants to leave a note of support or some kind words, thank you. Please don't be cruel. I don't need any of that nor does it even phase me, so take that elsewhere. I appreciate this outlet.

[Rareboy]

The majority of anal fissures are probably acute and resolve either spontaneously or with simple dietary modification to increase fibre and laxatives where appropriate. The distinction between acute and chronic fissures is an arbitrary one, but fissures failing to heal within 6 weeks despite straightforward measures are generally designated as “chronic”. Although a proportion (less than 10%) of these chronic fissures will eventually resolve with conservative measures, most will require further intervention in order to heal. Fissures are usually single and posterior midline fissures are most common, but 10% of women and 1% of men have fissures in the anterior midline. Women who develop symptoms after childbirth usually have anterior fissures. Multiple fissures or those in a lateral position on the anal margin raise suspicion as there may be underlying inflammatory bowel disease, syphilis, or immunosuppression including HIV infection. However, it is important to recognize that most fissures arising in patients with inflammatory bowel disease are posterior and are also painful in at least one half of cases. Similarly, fissures that are resistant to treatment should prompt further investigation.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK6878/


Suck it up and get the surgery.

See if they can do it with a spinal block anaesthetic.

[Beaux]

By chances, have you posted here before under a different username? You writing style seems very familiar to me....none the less, RareBoy is absolutely correct, get the surgery.
~Beaux

[East]

Hi! You expressed yourself well so it is easy to understand the details of your problem...

...and I agree with Rareboy but also...the fear about surgery...you can have PTSD about something like that and so I would address this first. Maybe talk to someone to help you face the fear and let it go...and also maybe try rolfing or something that will help relieve the stress in your body. I think with events like you experienced...your body will store stress which adds to the apprehension and fear...time to let it go....

A change in one area can have pleasant and unexpected changes in a lot of other areas...any positive step forward ...including surgery...will be a good one.....

[MikeW]

...I feel like I can't physically be a bottom, and I'm not a desirable top. What am I supposed to do? I'm an attractive guy and I'm just trying to focus on toning up my body and being as physically attractive as I can be despite my shortcomings (I can still have a sense of humor..) but it's not enough. I'm so depressed I can't stand it anymore. ...

Have yerself tied up in bloody-knots, don't cha?

I don't mean to make light of it. As someone who has (and probably will again) tied himself up in bloody knots with damned if I do and damned if I don't Catch-22 thinking, I can commiserate. It sucks and it is depressing. But the problem is, although you have a real physical problem, MOST of what you're on about is the depression, right? I mean it would be different if you could just sort of accept all this as being "the way things are." Maybe not the way you'd like them to be but not the end of the world or anything. A challenge you have to work with and around and see what solutions you can find to it… right?

So… to me, although the physical reality needs to be addressed (and this includes your fear of addressing it), the real problem is psychological. Yes, you need support and you need to *believe* that life can be worth living (as it is now) and can get better (it can if you work with it). Right?

Learn to see the knots then learn to begin loosening them up so you're not putting yourself under so much inner, psychological stress all the time. Learn to slowly begin to untie the knots. Who knows, this may be part of what's causing the anal fissure… but even if not, it is possible to address your fears and your sense of frustration, confusion and hopelessness. Sounds to me like your life isn't hopeless at all. You do have options. Unfortunately (as for many of us) the options aren't just "easy" ones.

But the big one to me is you're making this far worse than it is in reality; you're making yourself feel far more miserable than you need to. Take a deep breath, relax, give yourself some space to HEAL all this knotted up stuff.

[Borg69]

Gay life doesn't revolve around anal sex. There are plenty of guys who are only into oral and hand jobs.

Life isn't always fair. I wanted to be a superhero when I grew up. It didn't happen and I adjusted.

If you had your heart set on bottoming and cannot, you'll have to adjust too.

[Darius]

I might be wrong, but it seems like the guys who would reject you for not being able to physically bottom for medical reasons don't really care about you and it sounds like you want someone to love and love you back. That would mean they only want you for your ass. It's like being rejected because your dick isn't big enough.
Who needs bastards like that.

Get your mind off the butt sex and focus on the other parts of who you are as a man and what you have to offer another person. There are plenty of guys looking for kindhearted, loving guys. You sound too withdrawn at this point in time for others to have a chance to get to know you.

Good luck, keep us updated.

[TragicHope]

By chances, have you posted here before under a different username? You writing style seems very familiar to me....none the less, RareBoy is absolutely correct, get the surgery.
~Beaux

Hi, no I have never even heard of this site before I came across it yesterday. Thanks for your input. I am going to look into the surgery, I just have read that it *could* cause incontinence in some people - which of course I'm sure depends on the surgeon as well. But, every surgery has it's risks. I need to weigh if it's worth it for me and if I've exhausted all other options first.

I forgot to mention that the doctor that told me I had the fissure also asked me if I've had surgery before for that. I said no. He told me it looks like I have some kind of deformation then and I was probably born with it. Lucky me! He didn't make it sound like a big deal though, just one more thing I get to worry about. I really do not mean to sound all "poor me", there are far worse issues in the world and that I could have. I know that. I'm just centered on this because I have a high desire for sex constantly and not being able to (for psychological or physical reasons) is incredibly stressful for me.

[TragicHope]

Have yerself tied up in bloody-knots, don't cha?

I don't mean to make light of it. As someone who has (and probably will again) tied himself up in bloody knots with damned if I do and damned if I don't Catch-22 thinking, I can commiserate. It sucks and it is depressing. But the problem is, although you have a real physical problem, MOST of what you're on about is the depression, right? I mean it would be different if you could just sort of accept all this as being "the way things are." Maybe not the way you'd like them to be but not the end of the world or anything. A challenge you have to work with and around and see what solutions you can find to it… right?

So… to me, although the physical reality needs to be addressed (and this includes your fear of addressing it), the real problem is psychological. Yes, you need support and you need to *believe* that life can be worth living (as it is now) and can get better (it can if you work with it). Right?

Learn to see the knots then learn to begin loosening them up so you're not putting yourself under so much inner, psychological stress all the time. Learn to slowly begin to untie the knots. Who knows, this may be part of what's causing the anal fissure… but even if not, it is possible to address your fears and your sense of frustration, confusion and hopelessness. Sounds to me like your life isn't hopeless at all. You do have options. Unfortunately (as for many of us) the options aren't just "easy" ones.

But the big one to me is you're making this far worse than it is in reality; you're making yourself feel far more miserable than you need to. Take a deep breath, relax, give yourself some space to HEAL all this knotted up stuff.

Thank you. I know I'm putting myself under more stress than I need to. Some days are easier than others. I will address my fears and I think I really just need to find someone trustworthy to top me at this point slowly and see what I can manage. I've long stopped caring about waiting for the right person.

Gay life doesn't revolve around anal sex. There are plenty of guys who are only into oral and hand jobs.

Life isn't always fair. I wanted to be a superhero when I grew up. It didn't happen and I adjusted.

If you had your heart set on bottoming and cannot, you'll have to adjust too.

It's difficult enough to find a mutual attraction with a guy (whether it's on my end or his) that wants anal, let alone trying to find that in the rare guy that is only into oral. Furthermore, I don't feel I'll ever be happy if I can't be a good bottom for a man. Might sound silly, but it's true. Thank you for your input as well.

I might be wrong, but it seems like the guys who would reject you for not being able to physically bottom for medical reasons don't really care about you and it sounds like you want someone to love and love you back. That would mean they only want you for your ass. It's like being rejected because your dick isn't big enough.
Who needs bastards like that.

Get your mind off the butt sex and focus on the other parts of who you are as a man and what you have to offer another person. There are plenty of guys looking for kindhearted, loving guys. You sound too withdrawn at this point in time for others to have a chance to get to know you.

Good luck, keep us updated.

You are correct. Though, I never told anyone that was the reason, I just had expressed some hesitation (this was before I knew the actual reason).. and because I didn't do it right when he wanted it, that was the beginning of the end. But yes, I realize that's not the kind of man I want to be with. It was just a shame because we were great in every other aspect - and I wanted to do it, I just needed the proper moment (not when he was completely drunk). But that's neither here nor there at this point.

I have been accused of being too closed off for others to get a chance to know me. But I do try my best. I'm just not very trusting anymore because of the deception, lies, and emotional abuse I've endured. I am trying. I just feel like most men simply want sex and it's become standard on the first or second date.. if it doesn't happen, they lose interest. Grindr, Scruff, etc., have made sex so accessible for men that they aren't willing to date and put effort in when they can get it anytime anywhere.

Thank you all for your support. I am going to get past this one way or another. I really just needed an outlet. Feel free to keep them coming if anyone has more ideas or suggestions for me.

[Beaux]

Hi, no I have never even heard of this site before I came across it yesterday. Thanks for your input. I am going to look into the surgery, I just have read that it *could* cause incontinence in some people - which of course I'm sure depends on the surgeon as well. But, every surgery has it's risks. I need to weigh if it's worth it for me and if I've exhausted all other options first.

I forgot to mention that the doctor that told me I had the fissure also asked me if I've had surgery before for that. I said no. He told me it looks like I have some kind of deformation then and I was probably born with it. Lucky me! He didn't make it sound like a big deal though, just one more thing I get to worry about. I really do not mean to sound all "poor me", there are far worse issues in the world and that I could have. I know that. I'm just centered on this because I have a high desire for sex constantly and not being able to (for psychological or physical reasons) is incredibly stressful for me.

Well, it doesn't matter what advice anyone here gives you, the only thing that could possibly affect your situation is something you actually do. This is one of those "shit or get off the pot moments" in your life.
Good Luck,
~Beaux