I'm currently physically intimate with a few different friends, but my actual preference is just to be monogamous and in a single romantic relationship. As for my friends, we are literally just friends who also enjoy each other physically (e.g. we play video games together but also sleep/have sex with each other), and they actually also know that I've been going on dates in hopes of a romantic relationship, so there's complete transparency there (i.e. if I started dating someone they would be fine if we stopped being physically intimate).
On the other hand, the people I've been meeting to go on dates don't know about my other intimate relationships. Is it to my advantage or disadvantage to be transparent? What I really would want to say is "hey I'm intimate with a few other people but I really am looking for a monogamous romantic relationship and would totally be willing to stop seeing these intimate friends if things worked out between us."
In the job seeking world, a piece of advice I've heard over and over again is that nobody wants somebody that nobody wants, and likewise everyone wants someone that everyone wants. Dating I guess is a bit different, but would that analogy apply, in which case I would want to share this with my date?
On the other hand, I can see how sharing that off the bat might turn away a date.
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Okay...I can only speak for myself...but if it was a first or second date and you said...Oh, BTW, not for anything, but I've got a few FWBs I fuck on a regular basis...ummm...it would for sure be our last date...I'd be wondering why you chose to tell me...Bragging? A subtle way of saying that I better put out because you have other options? ...lol I can overthink things just as well as you apparently can...
On the other hand, if we were dating for a while and began talking about being exclusive...and you said, I've been involved in an FWB situation, but I'm ready/willing to put it behind me...then yeah, I'd appreciate the honesty...
Unless you're into game playing and one-upmanship...pointing out that I'm lucky to have a chance with you because all these other guys want you...not cool...
I'm not saying that you're doing any of this, or trying to ascribe any motives to you...I'm just telling you how I'd react if I were your prospective BF...
Honesty is always the best policy, but temper it with discretion...
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sethmachine Wrote:Is it to my advantage or disadvantage to be transparent? Let's call it "honest" rather than "transparent." I agree with, [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION] , if we're just "dating" -- that is going out together but have no agreement about exclusivity -- I don't need to know about who else you may be sleeping with, whether they're other 'dates' or FWB's or what. Actually not any of my business beyond curiosity. OTOH, if we start to get into an 'exclusive' dating situation, that's a whole other matter. At this point, it isn't so important that you TELL me what you've been doing as you tell your FWB's that you're now in a monogamous relationship. Sure, you *can* tell me if you want and I might very well appreciate the honesty. But I think one needs to be a tad careful here. How much do I really need, or even *want,* to know about my prospective BF's sexual history? Some, for sure... its apart of getting to know who you are... but the details? For example, if you've been sleeping with x, y, and z AND, once we're coupled, you're going to continue seeing x, y, and z *as friends* (possibly together), how much do I need to know? For sure, it would be better to hear it from you than, say, over a dinner conversation among friends when y says, "remember that time, you x, z, and I had a four way?" (or whatever). All in all honesty is the best policy -- which means you're not keeping secrets. But that doesn't necessarily mean telling me *everything* -- only the things that could become awkward if I *don't* know about them. (If that makes sense.)
BTW, I think having FWBs at your age is exactly the right thing to do. Soon enough you're going to meet someone special and then all that changes. The one thing to watch out for, though, is how the others *feel* about this. Are you sure none of the FWBs currently have other desires, like to be more emotionally involved with you? That's what I'd be watching out for.
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First and foremost? I'm all for honesty. But I think a couple dates in is very much premature.
I would say the right timing would be around the time you have begun discussing settling into a mutually exclusive relationship. Not "I would like to do this one day" but the "lets be exclusive together" time, yeah?
Then maybe present it as something along the lines of "I had a few fuck buddies, but I want to cut them loose and be exclusive with you."
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I'm old fashioned... I would See it as a turn off. I would think you can't keep it in your pants, have no self control, can't maintain a regular platonic relationship or a monogamous one, and every friend that came over I'd wonder if you had sex with them, and if you're still having sex with them.
While it's true to some extent businesses go after a hot employee, they frown upon moonlighting by that employee.
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I wouldn't see any reason to unless asked. If you start dating somebody, and the dates start moving beyond the "just hanging out" phase, I think you could say something simple like "I currently have another sexual relationship, but I'm going to cut that off now that we've started dating."
Lex
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discretion is key...but still, after a certain point, those fwbs will cease, right? I mean what happens when you start falling for one of them? then what? you just ease back...
but if I were in your shoes, and one of those fwbs had the potential to become more, then I would make a choice. until then, you're not exclusive with one. just be careful that you don't get "burned."
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My opinion...keep it to yourself unless it comes up naturally in conversation...then don't lie.
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The term "dating casually" might be an honest enough way to refer to it. Just because you don't use the term doesn't mean it isn't applicable.
You see your video buddies casually and they are in fact dates since they involve sexual activities, but you are plain in that they aren't love affairs.
Dating casually is usually the term for such light connections.
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Frankly it sounds like you don't know what you want.
You are saying you want a long term monogamous relationship, but apparently are not 100% in that area because you are seeing this other guys and having sex with them.
The problem with dating people is that everyone wears these masks - everyone tries real hard to impress their date, show their best side all the time, and downplay or fail to mention the real dirt. It has been going on for so long that anyone who puts it out there that they are less than perfect are shot down and immediately tossed aside. I assume humans like to be lied to.
I would say that the safest bet is to NOT tell potential partners right off the bat that you have FWB situation going on whilst trying to convince them you are about monogamy, love relationships etc - these two situations are not the same.
I would also strongly suggest you weight which situation is more suited to what you really want in life. Pick one and stay the course.
Yes that may mean by choosing monogamy you will only have sex on rare occasions, and only reach a total of 8 conquests in 48 years. However people want monogamy and all of that sort of crap because its symbolic and makes sex special.
If sex isn't that special to you, then perhaps you need to accept that as part of who you are and not try to deceive any fella that you are truly, wholly 100% monogamous.
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