Hatred, Fire, Addiction

[Iceblink]

BlueStar, my favorite flamethrower, you seem to be on your way to use the hate and despair of your past as an inspiration and direction to find the future you want and deserve.

[BlueStar]

I'm so grateful for your support guys

I'm just on my nerves... But if everything I've planned goes well, I'll be ecstatic to tell you about my freedom

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I too had an 'interesting' childhood - which lead to hatred, anger, fear, and all sorts of other not so nice emotions.

The problem is I didn't start letting a lot of those things go until I was 30 - so I spent my 20's being a bit of a wreck and a not so nice person to be around.

Hatred/anger tends to infect all parts of your life. If you don't let it go and move on, I can assure you that it will turn around and bite you hard.

One of the best things I ever did for myself is put distance between me and the parental units. Granted in my case it wasn't that easy, my mother went to extraordinary measures to muck around in my life.

The day I finally stopped trying to win their approval, stop 'paying them back' for the things the did and all sorts of other emotional investment I put into them and their lives, was the day that I actually started living my life.

Incidentally this was around age 30, and shortly afterward I stopped drinking oceans of alcohol, shooting up mountains of meth, snorting blizzards of cocaine and many other self destructive behaviors.

Yes your folks did you wrong - I get that, and I know how it feels - however you seriously need to figure out a way to let it go, forgive them and move on with your life, or you will most likely end up pursuing a lifestyle of self destructive behaviors - drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts - risky behaviors, many forms of 'self destructive' behaviors exist.

Yes payback is a bitch - however what you fail to understand that in the revenge getting department, those who practice vengeance end up being hurt the most. All of these people you wish ill well for might in some way 'deserve' it, however wanting it to happen, or even taking action to make their lives worse will ultimately cause you more harm.

The best thing you can do to exact revenge is move on with your life, focus on today and the future, take whatever positive lessons you can from the past. This doesn't mean you need to be in contact with these people (The bible says to respect your parents - trust me nothing can be more respectful than keeping your distance and maintaining strict silence). But word will get back to them that despite what happened to you you moved on, got better, got your life situated without any help or need of their help.

Lastly, I see a lot of anger still in you. I would strongly recommend finding a new therapist (not all of them are bad people, many are actually very helpful) and work through getting past this stuff and letting this anger go.