I feel so stupid...
05-02-2015, 10:34 AM
So, this is gonna be long because I want to make sure you understand. I feel so stupid about this but I have to talk to someone about it.
Last year, I stayed in New York for two months (October-November). The day after I arrive in the city, I meet this beautiful guy: he's a high school teacher, 6 years older than me. He's exactly the kind of guy I am so much into, physically speaking. We start talking and decide we should go on a date. He already knew that I would be leaving the city in early December but at that time I didn't give much thought. We go on the date a few days later, and it was the most unusual one: yes, we had a drink in a beautiful place in Brooklyn in early afternoon but afterwards he asked me to accompany him to the shopping mall because he needed to buy a few things. Then we went around Brooklyn in his car, and at the end to his house, where we watched an episode of a TV show. Nothing happened afterwards, and we decided we'd stay in touch for a second date. We tried to schedule another meeting in the following two weeks but we just couldn't: I was super busy with my course and he was super busy with his job. We decided we'd meet on my birthday, when he invited me over to his house for a very low-key celebration: he bought a small cheesecake and after that we decided to go to bed (we could meet late at night because of our busy schedules). Now, he only has one bed in his house, and it's not a double, so we basically had to share this single bed: after a small chitchat, during which I could really feel a sexual vibe coming strong on me, we'd turn the lights off and supposedly go to sleep. I decided to be brave (I'm a very shy guy and I'm not so used to this) and I asked him if I could kiss him: we made out like there's no tomorrow. We made out for like 15 minutes and then spooned and cuddled for a while, after which we finally went for the whole deal. He was so sweet and caring, he was so understanding about my embarassing clumsiness (it was only my second time), and went gentle on me. And he really really liked it: he would say "It feels so good" more than once. After a couple hours, we went to sleep. The morning after was so weird that I remember every single thing we said: being a very self-deprecating guy, I thanked him for the amazing night and for having me in his house. He'd say he did it because he thought I was a really nice guy. We talked about our lives for a bit, then he took a shower and a few minutes later I left. For the following weeks, I lived in a kind of haze because of that: I was very busy, and he was very busy, so we couldn't exactly meet up as much as we wanted to (I found out dating is reaaally difficult in NYC), but I realized that I felt something for him, so I decided to talk to him about it before I'd leave. I knew what I was going for, but I just had to. 10 days before my return flight, I told him that I really liked him and I had never felt that way for anybody else in the past. I mean, I had dated guys, and liked straight friends of mine, but this was so new to me I was really confused. He replied the way I expected him to: he said he liked me too, he thought I was a really nice guy but he didn't want to do long distance because he felt it would be weird since we didn't know if I'd come back to NYC. Since our first meeting, he knew I'd be applying to Grad Schools but of course, that's not enough. Then again, he said he'd love to date me again if I were back to town. It was very emotional and I still regret looking like a whiny baby.
The day before I flew back to Italy, I met him to give him my goodbyes and it was really hard for me. I apologized for "making a scene" a few days before, although he said he'd found it really sweet of me, and we decided we'd stay in touch on Skype and cellphones. Since then, we keep in touch periodically because we want to hear from each other, even though I have never wanted to use Skype, as I'm afraid I might get emotional again.
At the end of the day, I don't know what this is. Is it just a crush? I've had crushes in the past and they felt different. Is it love? If it's love, it's an utterly stupid, foolish love. Is it just physical attraction? It's more than that, 100%. I just know that I don't spend a single day not thinking about him, and despite our huge differences, I know that I found someone I'd love to be in a relationship with, because we still have so much in common and he's exactly the kind of guy I've always wanted for me.
Now, these last few months have been incredibly stressful for me, because I had to finish my uni program in Italy, and now that stress has been doubled by my college application (the dream of a lifetime) and by the feelings for this wonderful guy. I feel so stupid, you have no idea. I've always thought that this would never happen to me, even though I'm a romantic at heart, so having to deal with it is so hard. It's like going back to my teenage years. I miss him so much, and I think it's so stupid of me to miss him this much.
Last year, I stayed in New York for two months (October-November). The day after I arrive in the city, I meet this beautiful guy: he's a high school teacher, 6 years older than me. He's exactly the kind of guy I am so much into, physically speaking. We start talking and decide we should go on a date. He already knew that I would be leaving the city in early December but at that time I didn't give much thought. We go on the date a few days later, and it was the most unusual one: yes, we had a drink in a beautiful place in Brooklyn in early afternoon but afterwards he asked me to accompany him to the shopping mall because he needed to buy a few things. Then we went around Brooklyn in his car, and at the end to his house, where we watched an episode of a TV show. Nothing happened afterwards, and we decided we'd stay in touch for a second date. We tried to schedule another meeting in the following two weeks but we just couldn't: I was super busy with my course and he was super busy with his job. We decided we'd meet on my birthday, when he invited me over to his house for a very low-key celebration: he bought a small cheesecake and after that we decided to go to bed (we could meet late at night because of our busy schedules). Now, he only has one bed in his house, and it's not a double, so we basically had to share this single bed: after a small chitchat, during which I could really feel a sexual vibe coming strong on me, we'd turn the lights off and supposedly go to sleep. I decided to be brave (I'm a very shy guy and I'm not so used to this) and I asked him if I could kiss him: we made out like there's no tomorrow. We made out for like 15 minutes and then spooned and cuddled for a while, after which we finally went for the whole deal. He was so sweet and caring, he was so understanding about my embarassing clumsiness (it was only my second time), and went gentle on me. And he really really liked it: he would say "It feels so good" more than once. After a couple hours, we went to sleep. The morning after was so weird that I remember every single thing we said: being a very self-deprecating guy, I thanked him for the amazing night and for having me in his house. He'd say he did it because he thought I was a really nice guy. We talked about our lives for a bit, then he took a shower and a few minutes later I left. For the following weeks, I lived in a kind of haze because of that: I was very busy, and he was very busy, so we couldn't exactly meet up as much as we wanted to (I found out dating is reaaally difficult in NYC), but I realized that I felt something for him, so I decided to talk to him about it before I'd leave. I knew what I was going for, but I just had to. 10 days before my return flight, I told him that I really liked him and I had never felt that way for anybody else in the past. I mean, I had dated guys, and liked straight friends of mine, but this was so new to me I was really confused. He replied the way I expected him to: he said he liked me too, he thought I was a really nice guy but he didn't want to do long distance because he felt it would be weird since we didn't know if I'd come back to NYC. Since our first meeting, he knew I'd be applying to Grad Schools but of course, that's not enough. Then again, he said he'd love to date me again if I were back to town. It was very emotional and I still regret looking like a whiny baby.
The day before I flew back to Italy, I met him to give him my goodbyes and it was really hard for me. I apologized for "making a scene" a few days before, although he said he'd found it really sweet of me, and we decided we'd stay in touch on Skype and cellphones. Since then, we keep in touch periodically because we want to hear from each other, even though I have never wanted to use Skype, as I'm afraid I might get emotional again.
At the end of the day, I don't know what this is. Is it just a crush? I've had crushes in the past and they felt different. Is it love? If it's love, it's an utterly stupid, foolish love. Is it just physical attraction? It's more than that, 100%. I just know that I don't spend a single day not thinking about him, and despite our huge differences, I know that I found someone I'd love to be in a relationship with, because we still have so much in common and he's exactly the kind of guy I've always wanted for me.
Now, these last few months have been incredibly stressful for me, because I had to finish my uni program in Italy, and now that stress has been doubled by my college application (the dream of a lifetime) and by the feelings for this wonderful guy. I feel so stupid, you have no idea. I've always thought that this would never happen to me, even though I'm a romantic at heart, so having to deal with it is so hard. It's like going back to my teenage years. I miss him so much, and I think it's so stupid of me to miss him this much.
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Capricorn
