Mental illness, body image, and dating

[Kolendo]

**this post deals with some serious issues that could possibly be triggering**
I need some advice, sorry if this is in the wrong category, I was unsure if this should be posted here or under Dating Advice.
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After struggling with mental illness and addiction I'm trying to open myself up to dating again but am still hesitant for a few reasons, first here's a brief back story:

When I was about 16 years old I was out at raves, partying and meeting men many years older than me. I ended up dating a 21-year-old drug dealer who was charming, yet manipulative. To skirt around the nastier details, he ended up cheating on me, getting me addicted to harder substances, and even convinced me to do business for him. I ended up feeling abandoned with severe depression that brought about a plethora of other mental problems as well as 40lbs of weight gain.

Fast forward six years, while I'm an entirely different person and have made a nice life for myself, I still have trust issues and some body image issues that are preventing me from finding a good boyfriend. I've had a few hook-ups over the years, but nothing was ever initiated on my end

I guess I need advice on how to stop worrying about things like body image and my personal history. It scares me just thinking that if I get close to someone I'll have to explain these things and leave myself... unprotected in a way. I'm at a point in my life where I have accomplished so much and want to share my life with someone special, where do I even start???

A friend recently said something that's resonated with me, which is that "other peoples' opinions of you are none of your business". While this is great advice, I just feel like I'm so out of practice meeting good guys and opening myself up. Plus, the stigma behind addiction and mental illness can truly be disheartening.

[East]

Your friend is right...what other people think of you is none of your business.....it has nothing to do with you. That will help a lot with your struggles unless....of course...you want to see yourself through other people's eyes.

One other thing...and I am keeping it short on purpose...take COMPLETE RESPOSIBILITY for everything in your past...period. It is the ONLY WAY out....period.

It really is that simple.

[Kolendo]

I try my best not to see myself through others' eyes, but it's a struggle. Tips? I find it really hard sometimes not to have these anxieties and I don't know of many tools to change thought patterns.

You're definitely right about taking responsibility though, ultimately I made poor choices (something I've come to terms with long ago). I guess it comes back to me worrying about whether someone will be able to look past those shortcomings.

[East]

I guess it comes back to me worrying about whether someone will be able to look past those shortcomings.

If YOU can look past them...so can everyone else. You have to take complete responsibility....blame no one else...and the the most important part...forgive yourself. It isn't as easy as it sounds...and you must take the other steps first...in that order...but when it happens...you will see things much differently....

[Kolendo]

Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely think over it

[Rareboy]

Many guys have body image problems.

The funny thing though is that a lot of these problems are actually something we can do something about.

And when we do something about these things...it often helps us 'own' the things we can't do something about . Diet, exercise, body care, good dental care, a great haircut and some fashion sense can go a long way to helping you feel like you are a positive and fully committed partner in your own life. So often the low self esteem is much more easily tackled than we imagine.

As for your past....well, at a certain point, we all need to address our past...to apologize to those we may have hurt and then to forgive ourselves and look at each day ahead as brand new.

[yousir]

In this life, I have realised, most people are not worthy of you, and that is normal. Those who are worthy will show you, by, for instance, accepting you and loving you as you are.

It can indeed be disheartening to meet a lot of the people who treat you like you are not worthy of them, but then you need to remember they are not worthy of you either. It goes both ways. Why waste yourself over people who wont waste themselves over you?

Treat it like finding a rose in a bunch of thorns, or a needle in a haystack, if the needle had the Elixir of Life in it you will find those people. You just gotta go through a bunch of people who are not right for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

40 lbs of weight gain may actually be the spring back from doing all of those drugs. Especially speed type drugs where you ended up burning more fuel than you had to begin with.

What often happens is you ended up depleting your body of nutrients/vitamins/minerals thus are craving foods. Things like low protein can lead to cravings for carbs - which have little to no protein, but provides the fast energy of sugars that protein is turned into slowly.

A full metabolic panel test along with testing for protein, Vitamin D, Iron, and the B-s is needed from a lab to get a general idea where your nutrient levels are - thus you can address any potential deficiencies. I learned rather recently that most people in North America have chronic Vitamin D deficiency which leads to things like depression, weight gain, fatigue and other interesting side effects. My most recent test had my level of D at 11 - 30 considered the lowest one should go.

Go to a library and check out a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Bodystat-Reset-You...0788153536

It was rather helpful for me to figure out a realistic diet - lifestyle of eating habits, which not only helped me to lose the extra fat - but also helped me in maintaining a decent weight for a decade or so after. The tricks I learned also made it possible for me to keep from losing weight faster during the last couple/three years of high stress where I have been struggling to keep weight on.


As for your past - everyone has one. Most people omit the details, some actually construct a new life history. Every guy you are dating is going to be doing his best to impress you - thus he will wear a mask that lets his 'good qualities' shine through whilst hiding his not so good qualities.


One of the most common notions about LTR relationships is that the individuals think that their partner has changed after a while - their partner hasn't actually changed, what happened is that the partner stopped wearing the mask - allowing the full brutal honesty of their character shine through.

So this hiding of self is very, very common.

As for your plethora of mental health issues - I have no idea what you are doing to work on them - but if you are actually working on them you can lessen their impact over time, and even go about living a somewhat normal life.


Trust issues - you have good reason to not trust. However you will need to figure out a way to trust someone somewhere down the line.

The charismatic individual you got involved with may actually have been an abuser - if this is the case then you might find yourself dating the same guy over and over again. Different name, same set of personality traits. This is very common, and the only advice I can give you on that is seek professional therapy and have a therapist assist you in listing those traits that impress you and end up being problematic - this way when you do date a guy you can see what it is your are dating a bit more clearly.

The gay scene is shallow - most homosexuals refuse to take on what they call 'Drama' - mind that word is over used and abused. Few seem to comprehend the difference between issues and drama - thus confuse things like mental health issues with on going drama.

You don't want to be involved with the kind of fella who can't comprehend what because of X diagnosis you are unable to do A, B, C.

With PTSD and a few other issues myself, I have found it particularly painful to get involved with anyone. Apparently screaming in my sleep is a big turn off - and when I am medicated the side effects of those are a huge no-no as well.

But, in 48 years of life I did manage 6 relationships - granted they are all over with, and a few were hell rides - but the last lasted 14.5 years and was quiet - well until the end. The last one was more a success because we both sought counseling for our issues as a couple and as individuals. We also met in AA - because we both had previous issues with drugs/alcohol. Having that common frame of reference allowed us to accept the addictive personality traits and work through a lot of stuff that a normy and an addict just can't seem to work through as normal people tend to have no idea what addiction is like and what working a program of recovery is all about.

What I am saying here is there is hope for a LTR - you may need to work at it a little harder, you might have to find your LTR at an NA or AA meeting or something similar. You may need to adjust your tastes and preferences in character traits of potential mates to keep you from stumbling into dating the same guy again.