issue with freindship

[gonads]

Gonna be blunt here in an attempt to shake you out of this...

Reading your post told me why they go for him....and not you...

It is your vibe...and his vibe. A body is only part of the equation...attitude is an even bigger part of it. The fact that you have envy/jealousy is a glimpse into your attitude...and people sense this kind of stuff....it is a turn off.

The other thing that is a turn off and something else people can sense even if they can't identify it...the fact that you have rated your friend on his appearance....that is never attractive...

So...take a moment and KICK YOUR OWN ASS. Seriously...be tough with yourself and turn your attitude around now....

You may have a great body...but you need to have a great attitude as well...because you body WILL rebel against you at some point...and all you will have is your attitude.

If you are willing to go to the gym to improve your appearance...take an even greater amount of time and effort to improve your attitude.

In the meantime...just be happy for him.

Maybe you are right, but idk. But I am very nice and sociable and he is not. His personality frankly kills off many guys because he is terrible at meeting new people. Sometimes I even have to act as a chaperon and shit. I don't understand what u meant about the appearance thing because we both tell ourselves many times how attractive we are. We both think of each other that way. Tbh he rarely makes moves on guys so attitude is not the issue here. There are times all he does is checking his cellphone so yeah lol

[MikeW]

Becuase of pride, I will never admit to him the truth. That is my issue.

That's correct, this is YOUR issue. All of it is YOUR issue.

You have yourself tied in a knot. I see this a lot, people tie themselves up in knots and then go to an online forum and ask total strangers who know absolutely nothing about them, really, for help.

A "knot" is two conflicting desires. "I want to get laid." Reasonable enough, who the hell doesn't? "To get laid I have to tell my friend the truth and I'm too proud to do that." Totally irrational but what the hell, that's how knots work. One desire cancels the other. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place... both of which are creations in your own mind, your own inner world.

Knots are very interesting things. These two (or more) opposing desires cancel each other out so I stay stuck. Frustrated. Like a car with the gas pedal being put to the floor all the while the foot break and emergency break are on. It's stuck. Nothing can change so long as BOTH desires are operating.

The whole POINT of a knot is to insure that nothing CAN happen. << Try to understand this. The only reason a person HAS "knots" is to insure they do NOT get what they think they want.

Another interesting thing about knots are they're often TOTAL DISTRACTIONS. Or, perhaps a better way to put it is that the "identified knot" (in your case, the desire to get laid vs your pride) is only a COVER for a much deeper problem. All the energy gets poured into the knot so the REAL problem never even gets focused on and dealt with, let alone resolved. You get to stay safe forever in your sexually frustrated world.

That's how I see your situation, mostly because it is so illogical. You say you're a hot, buffed out gym bunny but you're not getting laid when you go out with this twink because he ends up getting all the guys.

Well, truth is I'm not there to observe exactly what is going on but I'm logical enough to know that what you're saying MAKES NO SENSE. If you're not getting the attention you want, then the problem is NOT YOUR FRIEND'S PRESENCE. As has been strongly suggested by others, above, what this is really all about is YOU.

But, of course, we do not know you other than through the few words you've written here. We don't know what you look like, how you act, the "atmosphere" you project around yourself, your moods and so on. For example, when I'm out in public I tend to project my "cactus" qualities, this keeps everyone away, and keeps me feeling "safe" (but alone). Now, how this works in your case I don't know and neither does anyone else here.

However, it is clear that, unless he is intentionally sabotaging your potential hookups, this is NOT about your friend. It is about you. Exactly how that works, and what you can do about it is still to be determined.

If you genuinely want help working through this "knot" to the underlying REAL issue, then tell us more about yourself and how it is possible you're not getting the attention you believe you deserve.

[Iceblink]

With disco friends (buddies whose main activity is clubbing), there is often some perceived competition. It is not uncommon with friends at bars and as someone that years ago led a very active club life, I saw it all the time. I say perceived competition, because often times both sides feel the other is getting all the attention and gets the hook ups. Other times it is just one person in the friendship that feels this way. This perception is because when your goal is to hook up, your friend is a distraction and your anxiety is probably getting worse as last call approaches and the clock is ticking.

I'm going to suggest something else than what most people here have so far. When you want to go out and hook up or look for a date, go alone. When you go out with your buddy, make the focus just partying, dancing, and having a good time. There was recently a thread here asking if it was okay to go out to a gay bar alone. Yes, it is okay and this is one of the reason why sometimes it is even the better choice.

And one other thing, stop letting this get in your way of motivation to go to the gym. Although there is nothing wrong with trying to look good, we do it all the time with our choices of hair and clothing style, the biggest motivation for the gym should be your health. Believe me, there are many people who have reached a certain age and look at the condition of their health and wish they would have maintained an active lifestyle when they were younger.

[matty7]

sounds like your own hang ups are going to cost you your friendship unless you take steps before you say or do something to offend him - it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong accept been himself...i.e the same guy you new before you decided to see him as a rival for guys
I also go to they gym regular but I don't find muscular guys all that attractive myself , maybe the guys paying him the attention feel the same way - that may be the luck of the draw on that given day, another day it may be guys after someone buff and built - opposites attract and that may have been the type of guys you both have encountered recently ?

[ShiftyNJ]

Better yet, bring along a guy who is severely handicapped - a blind guy, for instance, or somebody over the age of 28

There was a dude in my bar days who (I heard) told people he liked going clubbing with me because that way he was the good-looking one. I learned this from a guy he really liked, who ended up with me instead. Good kisser, too. I told my "friend" that later when things went south. The good kisser and I are still friends. No idea what happened to that "good looking" guy.

[East]

Maybe you are right, but idk. But I am very nice and sociable and he is not. His personality frankly kills off many guys because he is terrible at meeting new people. Sometimes I even have to act as a chaperon and shit. I don't understand what u meant about the appearance thing because we both tell ourselves many times how attractive we are. We both think of each other that way. Tbh he rarely makes moves on guys so attitude is not the issue here. There are times all he does is checking his cellphone so yeah lol

Bottom line...if you compete with other people...you will NEVER win. It is like swimming upstream...you will never "get there"......

Compete with yourself if you must compete...

The attitude thing isn't any one thing in particular...it is the total package. If you are both conceited...maybe he hides it better if he is quiet?

[meridannight]

[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] beat me to some of what i wanted to say, so i'm not gonna repeat that here. (he is right. people can feel your attitude. and the appearance thing -- you said it yourself that you considered your friend ''lacking'' in the body department. do you even understand how wrong you are with that statement?).

so, since he already summed up all that, i'll add this:

i hope you have more to offer than just the gym muscles. if that's all you got....it doesn't go a long way and gets boring quick. (you seem a bit obsessed with that, by the way. and that is not attractive either). it's about you as a person, and how you connect with men. hours spent in the gym have nothing to do with that.

i find it amusing that you think you having done so much ''work'' at the gym alone entitles you to being on the receiving end of attention from men. maybe it's time to grow up and get over your useless obsession with that.

[East]

Bump............................

[Camfer]

That wasn't much of a bump. Now here's a bump.