Daddy Dearest...

[East]

[MENTION=21495]Rareboy[/MENTION] has an excellent point...and so does your therapist.....I think they are both right...and I know why.....

Write the letter...to yourself. Forgiveness isn't really about the other person anyway...it is for the person who is forgiving....in most cases....

If you can truly forgive him...you take the power back he has over you...mostly the power you don't even know about... and do not want to find out about...

My brother has been in and out of San Quentin most of his life (mostly in)...and just before he gets out...he always finds Jesus. Back when I had contact with my parents still....I would tell my Dad especially that he was being manipulated. He didn't care...he had guilt....

After my mom and dad died...the letter came to me...6 pages of guilt and "the importance of family"...and Jesus. I didn't even read the whole thing but instead took the opportunity to educate my stepmother. My brother is a carbon copy of my mother....if you don't know what you are dealing with...you will be his victim....

I won't allow my brother in the same room as me...been that way forever. IF you are in a room with him...he will figure out what your weaknesses are and use them against you...my mother was the same way. He can't even help it...it is his nature. When he was a kid...both sets of my grandparents were frightened of him and refused to let my parents leave him alone with them. I thought the devil was born into my family...until I figured out he was a carbon copy of my mom....then I KNEW it.

He is a con man.....it is ALWAYS a bad idea to have anything to do with a con man...always...and if that person is "family"...he will take you down with him...which is why your therapist probably suggested having no contact with him....

Most of the greatest con men in history have "found Jesus" (or politics).....it isn't rocket science how they figure that one out. Religion is the promised land for con men. Who was the one fucker who told his followers that God was gonna "take him" unless he raised one million dollars by a certain date?..and he DID IT!!!!! many times he pulled this bullshit. He was a really famous one....

Funny thing... back in 1996...I saw my brother once...at an open door...I had to give him some money to help my other brother who he brings down every time he gets out of prison...and he told me that he "respected me" for not taking any of his shit. Well...translation...he figured out I love honesty...the fucker was trying to manipulate me using my strength as a weakness....LOL...I just faintly smiled and nodded as I closed the door. I haven't seen him since....

Good luck...I do not envy your position at all. I think it would be more difficult with a parent than a brother....more strings they can pull.....

[MikeW]

Interesting, [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION], you're getting different "takes" on your situation from different forum members.

To me this whole situation is complicated by the fact you were stalked and battered as a young adult. Whatever happened to you as a child, those (emotional) scars are still in you. Your physical scars from your adult battering have healed but its very likely that that event opened up many old wounds in you.

Abused children often have "personal boundary" related issues later in life -- which may be why your stalker picked you. Psychos are *really* good at sniffing out their victims.

What I'm trying to get at here is three things I believe you mostly already know:

1) You need most of all to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (define and maintain your personal boundaries). None of us here know exactly what that means for you. Even you may not be 100% sure yet and that may be why you brought this issue to the forum, to get input from other people's point of view.

2) (This is totally my opinion) You need to trust in your new relationship and your partner's ability to support you in dealing with this issue -- not only in terms of current events but past ones. He has been and will continue to be a powerful emotional and real-world resource and advocate. As you draw power from this relationship, learn to own more and more of that sense of safety and power AS YOURS. It is yours. It is in you. You own it.

3) You need to understand what has been "damaged" in yourself by your early abuse and this "understanding" needs to be emotional (something deeply felt and sensed), not just words in your head. This is why I mentioned "the ground you stand on" previously. The words we tell ourselves to reassure ourselves only take us so far. Beyond that we need the resolve of FELT knowing.

We all have within us an emotional core that is our power and strength. When we are centered there we feel secure, certain that we can handle ourselves, our lives, and whatever crap the world throws at us. But when that core has been wounded at an early age, as yours has, the scars left there feel like vulnerabilities.

When these scars get agitated by some external event, we begin to feel insecure, threatened, unsure of ourselves. I say "feel" these things. We may know damn well in our heads that we are just fine and dandy (or not) but the feelings are the issue. We can't help but feel whatever we feel, right? So sometimes it helps to understand where these "feelings" are coming from. They are produced by chemicals in our brains and work much the same way neurological pain signals do. They are alerting us that something "is" or "maybe" wrong. They are also like a kind of "memory". They may seem like they are reactions to current events but, in fact, they're actually resonating with past events that are "unresolved".

I don't want to go on and on about this. Just as you said to someone else that relationships are a "work in progress" the same is true for our own sense of self and self worth: It is a work in progress. That's actually a good thing! It means we LEARN from life and grow and become clearer about who we are, not to mention more accepting of ourselves (strengths and weaknesses) but more accepting of others as well.

Your father is just another imperfect human being with his own life story. That he "begat" you (LOL, I love that Biblical word) or, as my dad used to say, "penciled you in," does NOT mean you have to have ANY relationship with him AT ALL. I know you know this. I think sending him a letter that is CCed to his parole officer is an excellent idea. It doesn't have to say anything much. Examples: "Keep the fuck away from me asshole or you'll be back in jail faster than you can shit." or simply, "I don't want to see you or talk with you or communicate with you through any means, ever again. If you do not respect my wishes I will take legal action."

The point is, SPEAK WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU. Find that place of power in yourself and speak from that in a way that leaves NO OPENING for a response from him. There's no need to reassure him about having forgiven him or w/e, UNLESS it is part of YOUR TRUTH. Just stay with your core, gut, center -- whatever you want to call it -- speak from that place and you'll be just fine.

[East]

Interesting, [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION],

Abused children often have "personal boundary" related issues later in life -- which may be why your stalker picked you. Psychos are *really* good at sniffing out their victims.
.

Nailed it.

I had an issue with my PM box going haywire...I still can't sign on to that computer. All my words started erasing backwards on every page. I have since found out it is a common virus but I have an old operating system on that computer that does not support the fix.

Anyway...I was going to tell pyromancer exactly what you stated above in PM some time ago. This is what I learned (the hard way) and what I wanted to say to him when my computer crashed on me....

So yeah...that is what I was referring to pyromancer...the reason she picked you...

[Pyromancer]

...thanks so much to everyone and I'll reply/answer questions in a couple days, heading out of town to see my BF's family because he decided that now is the perfect time for us to come out to all of them - we were close friends for 3 years before becoming a couple recently - so they know me well, but just as Kev's friend...

Soooo...are we having fun yet...?