Daddy Dearest...

[Pyromancer]

So...my mom was 15 when I was born...my father was 24. He never married her, but bounced in and out of our lives until he disappeared when I was 16..not much of a loss, since he'd been abusive to both of us. I didn't hear from him when she died a couple years later...or when I went through a very public stalker attack situation.

Fast forward to the present...nearly 9 years later. Apparently, there are services online that will track people down for you if you're willing to pay...they'll give you a person's address, landline, cell phone, email, employment...and who knows what else. SO...surprise, surprise...my father utilized one of those services and I got an email from him. Turns out he was in prison in Alabama most of this time...where he repented and accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior (I'm NOT being disrespectful about religion, just about people who use it as a con). He said that he emailed first to give me time to "process" what he had to say and that he'd phone me in a few days. He said it sounds like I'm doing well and have a good job, and he wanted to discuss "our" future.

I guess it's fair to say that I'd rather deal with erectile dysfunction AND terminal flatulence than deal with him. After I finished panicking, my BF helped me contact the authorities in Alabama to try and find out what the situation is. He ended up speaking with my father's parole officer...so...if he leaves Alabama to try to visit me, it's a parole violation...if he harasses me sufficiently for me to be able to get a restraining order, it's a parole violation...in either case, he'd go back to jail. And he's been made aware of that.

Not even sure why I'm posting this...I don't have any second thoughts about my decision, I'm very clear that I don't want him in my life...I just...IDK...the past couple days all of the PTSD crap I experienced after being attacked is coming back...anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, panic attacks, nightmares...and a strong desire to break out after nearly 4 years of sobriety...I hate it that he has the power to affect me this way...

[jaxc]

Well, it is good thing to at least vent about it and get it off your chest, and as to your anxiety/ptsd, all i can say( this coming from someone who doesn't suffer from neither, so go ahead and take this with a grain of salt) If, it's the thought of your father trying to establish something with you that's making you anxious, well legally he can't really do much of anything, you can only go to him, so if he does try something, there will be at least serious legal repercussions, plus if you haven't already, it might be best, considering all he put you and your mother through, to tell him bluntly and straight up that you don't want anything to do with him. Also some good ghanja might help:biggrin:

[MikeW]

...I hate it that he has the power to affect me this way...

FFS don't beat yourself up about that! Yeah, sure, I understand you wish you didn't react this way but, damn, dude, he was THE FIRST ABUSER in your life *and* he was "your father". Lot of DEEP psychological dodo down that rabbit hole, I'm sure I don't need to tell you.

So, no I think its great that you feel comfortable enough sharing this kind of thing with us. You need to process all this -- the facts and your feelings about it. For sure you already know where you stand so far as he is concerned in reality. But we don't just live "in reality." We live in our own inner world and a lot of it is driven by thoughts and impulses that we barely even recognize, let alone understand or acknowledge as fully "our own." I think its great to get this out there where you and others can see it. If nothing else as a way of *objectifying* it and *distancing* yourself from it. You need that sense of separation, completeness, having your own ground to stand on and -- if ever need be -- fight from. Your own personal place of power.

[MikeW]

bump to ditch the disruption troll...

[Rareboy]

If you don't want him back in your life I think you need to tell him that you are pleased that he has found more peace, but that he is part of your past and that you do not want to have him in your life.

[Pyromancer]

If you don't want him back in your life I think you need to tell him that you are pleased that he has found more peace, but that he is part of your past and that you do not want to have him in your life.

I know that you're right...my therapist said not to engage with him in any way. but I think that if I don't, he'll be renting space in my head forever. So yeah...I need to stop hiding behind other people and just do it. Thanks...

[Rareboy]

I don't want to second guess any therapist's advice, but telling him that you forgive him, that you hope he has found peace and that you don't want him in your life gives you back the control.

Putting it in writing in a formal and proper way and bcc'ing someone you can trust (like his parole officer) is also protection should he make any further attempt to engage with you or to harass or abuse you in any way.

[Cridders88]

This ^^

Your father has left the ball in your court so to speak, so I can see why you would want to set the record straight that you don't want to see him. You've got to do what you feel is right, if you feel it will effect you more not responding to him then I would contact him. Hopefully he will get the message, if not, then it looks like he can't legally get near you anyway

And don't feel you need a particular reason for posting what you did, sometimes it is good to vent and share with others, even if your decision is already made.

[CellarDweller]

I wouldn't write off talking with him just yet.

Maybe you should give this some thought, and if you can do this calmly, have a conversation and let him know exactly how you feel about him.

Don't get loud or rude, but lay out exactly how you feel, and see how he reacts. At the very least, you're owed an apology, and this could be your chance to get it. His reaction could also let you know how serious he is about a relationship for the two of you.

[meridannight]

what exactly do you hope to accomplish here? i'm not so clear on that one. do you need/want to prove something to your father? do you need to resolve some of your own emotions? what?

if you think you have to confront him, then you gotta do what you gotta do. but you do realize that written and/or phone communication doesn't go far in that regard? they're both a form of hiding, as well. if this is about some control/power issue then the only way to resolve that is to see him in person. which might be a bad idea, because -- you are not unaffected by him. if, however, it is about some unresolved emotional baggage, then yeah, seeing him might trigger some things and help you get over it. the best therapists in the world won't compare to facing your problems directly. just as long as you keep in mind to limit it for that purpose alone and not let him get into your head.

also, people don't change. jesus fucking christ or no jesus fucking christ. the way you know him, who he was, that's who he is. i don't know that anything good will come of getting messed up in that, other than confronting your own unresolved issues, and maybe getting some peace of mind in the process. because, no matter what you're telling yourself, you don't look like you have put it behind you. sorry. if you had resolved it all and it no longer mattered, you wouldn't have been affected by him like that.

my mom lived with an abusive man for some years of my life when i was a kid. he was abusive towards me too, but mostly it was directed at my mom. when i was a kid i wanted to kill that guy. he was a drunk, all his money went under booze and there was nothing redeeming about his presence in our house at all. my mom did finally kick him out, so that was resolved. if he tracked me down and contacted me now, i wouldn't have any type of emotional reaction to him anymore. it's all long past now, even though there was a time in my life when i wasn't so sure he'd ever stop having an effect on me. after my mom kicked him out (i was in the 9th grade at the time), i was still afraid he'd show up on our doorstep one day and things would go back to what they had been (she had kicked him out before then, but he always came back). it took me a couple of years till i finally believed he was gone. today, i would be curious why he would want to talk to me, if he did, and i would assume it's about addressing his own personal issues. i could meet with him in person and talk to him like an adult, with full honesty, and it wouldn't change anything for me.

that doesn't sound is the case with you. you're still very much affected by him. and as such i would think carefully about what to do here. if you really feel the need to have some closure, then you'd have to drag all the worst issues and painful memories out onto the surface. you'd have to confront him about them and see what his reaction is. do you really want to do all that? given that you know that there is nothing he can do or say to make any of it better.


PS. does he know you're gay?