Feel Bad

[Rareboy]

Ok..... just saying? Your age says 46 but you're acting like a 16 year old. Seriously.

You've made it clear in your posts this isn't anywhere close to the first time you've done this. You -say- that you feel bad about it, have regret about it, etc.

And then you do it again.

You also say in your profile that you're bisexual. And yet seem to be trying to insist you're not into guys (other than fucking with their heads, anyway).

You say that you're worried about retaliation, etc. You seem to acknowledge you're putting yourself at risk. But then you go and do it again.

Where is the authenticity? I see nothing -genuine- going on here. No honesty to yourself, or to others. Whether this is a choice, or something you need to look into therapy to resolve.... do you really want to live your life this way?

This pretty much sums up my thoughts on all of this.

Therapy would definitely seem to be in order.

[East]

[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION]....i think i am more confused now than i was before. lols. because i don't understand much of anything you said....

i look at the whole picture too, by the way. and it's weird because i am actually involved with night clubs (straight clubs though). have been for years. but i have nothing to do with the clientele (luckily). and i still don't understand what you mean by ''it's a mind fuck''. i must be completely oblivious to something here....

It is actually too hard to explain. If it helps...most people don't "get it". I only took a handful of bartenders under my wing the entire time I bartended because I knew most people don't get it and think that their only job is to pour a drink or look cute LOL...and that might work at a Holiday Inn.....but not for a second in a gay nightclub....not even if you are a porn star.

the mind fuck part....

Adults are drinking and taking drugs..you have to be an authority figure or you will lose control of the bar. If that happens even once you will most likely have to find another job. You have to handle all of these different personalities and not come to blows because everyone is watching how you handle it In order for adults to let their hair down and feel relaxed and safe in an environment without fear of chaos...it takes a lot of people skills to pull that off.

Then you get the people who like to push you to see how far they can go...just for fun or out of habit....and you have to deal with them..you have no choice....

You have drag queens and other bitchy personalities ripping you apart for fun...because they enjoy doing it and it is a sport for them...and you have to be able to handle that immediately...let them get a little ahead and they will own you. When that happens..you are done...

You have to deal with all kinds of different personalities at once...and make it work. They can go elsewhere..and they will if you don't do a great job engaging them and making sure they have a good time. Competition is stiff.....you do not want to be the dull boy that pours a drink and thinks his job is done....

Then you get suicidal people...people who are dying...people who are depressed...people who are mentally ill....people who are carrying concealed weapons...people who have been raped or abused...people that just broke up with someone...people who lay all kinds of stuff on you....you cannot choose what you are going to face each day and it is constant......and you cant make it go away...because it is all part of the tapestry and it is all part of your job to deal with it....and you have to make time for ALL OF THEM!

...and then there is the DJ...and the Doorman...and the waiters...and the dance floor..and the décor....and the crowd itself....and the buzz... that can determine the fate of a nightclub....even if you do everything right behind the bar...

I could write for pages and still not really cover it all...but that is a glimpse since you asked about mind fuck...

[meridannight]

I...and then there is the DJ...and the dance floor..and the décor...... that can determine the fate of a nightclub....even if you do everything right behind the bar...

i get those parts. the behind-the-scenes aspect of it, i'm very familiar with that. i'm just oblivious to the people, i guess. i never thought of it like you describe.

i guess we can just agree that i don't know enough to talk about it. i never really pay attention to the people like that, and i'm pretty oblivious to what the barmen actually do. and yes, i did think it was just about pouring drinks.

[East]

i get those parts. the behind-the-scenes aspect of it, i'm very familiar with that. i'm just oblivious to the people, i guess. i never thought of it like you describe.

i guess we can just agree that i don't know enough to talk about it. i never really pay attention to the people like that, and i'm pretty oblivious to what the barmen actually do. and yes, i did think it was just about pouring drinks.

I totally understand...and as a patron..you really shouldn't be exposed to any of what goes on .....

Before I started...one of the owners took me around to a bunch of different bars in the afternoon in the city and told me to "observe". I was nervous and anxious because he was kinda rough and cranky and very much an authority figure ...and I didn't really "get it" either..not at all...

...and then he "helped me" see what I saw.....

A couple of the bars were chaotic. The bartender clearly was NOT in control of anything. The busiest bar by far had a bartender who was completely in control...and everyone was laughing and having a good time in a structured environment...and it was definitely the most comfortable place of them all....the atmosphere was great....

Then he told me that once I made a decision to 86 someone or cut someone off...he would fire me immediately if he ever witnessed me or heard that I changed my mind or backed down...so pick my battles very carefully.....

...and I did...and that was just the first day...

He was smart. Any one of us could have fucked his business into the ground if we didn't "get" a lot of stuff...and that is why he was as successful as he was when so many others failed...

[JimmyEcho]

[quote=TwisttheLeaf]Ok..... just saying? Your age says 46 but you're acting like a 16 year old. Seriously.

You've made it clear in your posts this isn't anywhere close to the first time you've done this. You -say- that you feel bad about it, have regret about it, etc.

And then you do it again.

You also say in your profile that you're bisexual. And yet seem to be trying to insist you're not into guys (other than fucking with their heads, anyway).


YOUR STARTING TO TAP INTO SOMETHING
Hmmmm.
ALCOHOL Erases things I can't deal with
and me working out 24-7 to make me look as I do,
so I have the weapon to do what I can do.

When I was 17 This Girl at a night club that I was leading on said to me "I don't even want to see your face"Because of all the games I was playing with her emotions. At one point She was really into me , sending me quite a few letters.
I left that night club with a big Smirk on my face----Feeling Fantastic, However, I was young and didn't care.
THIS TIME IT'S STARTING TO REALLY HURT ME, I THINK THIS GUY GOT THE BEST OF ME ON THIS ONE!!!

[JimmyEcho]

[quote=East]Hmmmm...

First things come to mind...

...maybe you are using this behavior in the same way some people use drugs or alcohol...to fill a void...but it never really gets filled....

...or maybe you desire intimacy with a male?...but without the love or sex part?...and just don't know how to go about it. Most men don't actually....

Did a male authority figure ever abandon you?...or walk out of your life?...or ignore you? ...maybe not love you? Any or all of this would easily explain why you might behave that way..

"END QUOTE"

EAST---- The first 2 sentences I have to say, DAMN YOUR REALLY GOOD!!!!!!

I had a relationship with my 27 year old Karate instructor, Sensi, When I was 12 to 15

[JimmyEcho]

EAST What do I do?????
How do I fill this VOID????

[East]

EAST What do I do?????
How do I fill this VOID????

Well...now that the void is ringing some bells for you....maybe the next question should be...do you find this behavior is linked at all with alcohol or drugs? Do you do this primarily when you are drinking?

Filling a void...and compulsive behavior...are often signs of addiction...and addiction goes waaaayyyyy deeper than most people realize....and is often misunderstood.....

Most all addictive behavior is filling a void...like a salve or a Band-Aid...but it never really works because it is the wrong way to go about it (as you have discovered). The reason we THINK it works is because whatever it is we are doing...it seems to fill the void for awhile and then it becomes beast inside us that needs to be fed...more and more...until we throw our hands up and say ENOUGH....I can't do it anymore....

Does any of that make sense?

[East]

[quote=East]Hmmmm...

First things come to mind...

...maybe you are using this behavior in the same way some people use drugs or alcohol...to fill a void...but it never really gets filled....

...or maybe you desire intimacy with a male?...but without the love or sex part?...and just don't know how to go about it. Most men don't actually....

Did a male authority figure ever abandon you?...or walk out of your life?...or ignore you? ...maybe not love you? Any or all of this would easily explain why you might behave that way..

"END QUOTE"

EAST---- The first 2 sentences I have to say, DAMN YOUR REALLY GOOD!!!!!!

I had a relationship with my 27 year old Karate instructor, Sensi, When I was 12 to 15

(((Jimmy)))..this is definitely part of the equation and probably at the root of what you are acting out with these guys and girls...

Have you ever spoken about this with anyone? a therapist or a professional maybe? I know it is a hard thing to put on the table and talk about for a lot of people....

[JimmyEcho]

[quote=JimmyEcho]

(((Jimmy)))..this is definitely part of the equation and probably at the root of what you are acting out with these guys and girls...

Have you ever spoken about this with anyone? a therapist or a professional maybe? I know it is a hard thing to put on the table and talk about for a lot of people....

No I haven't.
and I know how people say the boy--being Me. is the victim, TRUST ME I was not a victim, I Loved Him and I myself enticed him from time to time. I was into it, He was very nice to me.

Anyway you leave me with a lot to think about and dwell on.
And Thank You So Very Much.

I'm Going To New Hope Pennsylvania this Saturday just a little North of Philadelphia, Only on a work related cause!!
New Hope is the Gay Capital in Pennsylvania, Something like 7 Gay bars in this small town----- However at my lunch break I will not flirt, It's a new hope for me, hopefully.