Disturbing Behavoir?...or not?

[East]

I thought I had run into everyone by now...odds are good that I have...so I either missed this the first time around.,..or this is a new one for me....

The problem? Well...this woman I know and have formed a new business relationship with was doing something I had never encountered before...and I want to know if this is common or is this a red flag?

So...this woman we did an estate sale for is very nervous and worries a lot about everything so my natural inclination is to tell her that everything will be fine and let us handle the messy stuff and explain everything in full and help ease her mind. I also have volunteered to help her with some things like the dump and helping clear out a few things so she doesn't worry. Her husband of many years died and she found her self alone in a huge house and she has had bad health....

Well...I noticed my partner was doing weird things...like telling me I shouldn't help her and that she complains too much. Having been around a complainer..I don't think she is much of a complainer...I think she is genuinely worried and maybe unsettled about the changes in her life and her health and maybe a little scared....

BUT...here is the thing that was really bothering me and the thing I don't think I have ever witnessed before. She would say things that threw fire on all her worries...and then when she got her worked up...she would go in to "save her" ...and it was pathological...she kept doing it over and over and over...like it was second nature. She took all of her vulnerabilities and basically exploited them...for reasons I can't/don't understand.....

Has anyone ever met anyone like this?...do you have any insight? I am stumped....

The other thing..she was saying bad things about her but acting friendly to her face...THAT is always a red flag for me. I don't like that kind of behavior ...but I can accept it for what it is....it is just creepy for me because if I am saying something bad about someone I am not friendly with them...maybe cordial or polite...but not friendly. I think that is disturbing behavior.....

So...anything that will help? Is this behavior normal or common?

[Beaux]

I am a little confused. Who is it that is "adding fuel to the fire" and then going in for the "save"? Your partner or the woman who is having the estate sale...?
I guess I am miss-counting then number of people involved here maybe...? Sorry, I am confused....
~Beaux

[LJay]

Well, the behavior is obviously disturbing to you and no, it is not the "normal" way to behave. I think you should just avoid this woman in the future.

[yousir]

More common than you think. It may be a form of narcissistic behaviour.
Make you vulnerable, then rescue you.

In one of the schools of thought in psychology there is a theory about 3 personality types: persecutor, victim, rescuer. The persecutor will dance between persecutor and rescuer. Ive experienced it first hand. Not nice.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

[East]

I am a little confused. Who is it that is "adding fuel to the fire" and then going in for the "save"? Your partner or the woman who is having the estate sale...?
I guess I am miss-counting then number of people involved here maybe...? Sorry, I am confused....
~Beaux

It was the woman partner Beaux...business partner only...not my man partner.

Specifically...she would throw in things like "OMG...what are you going to do to get rid of all of the building materials?"....or..."This is a HUGE job...you are never going to get it done"...and then it would start her worrying and getting visible upset and then she would say "Don't worry...it will all work out"...or ..."you shouldn't worry so much"...after she did it intentionally. Then...after she worked her up..she would come to use to complain about her.

I could easily calm the lady down and get her to relax and she would undo that right away every time....

There is me and my lover...the woman who is a new business partner helping us with the estate..and the women who owns the property and needs to sell it and get it ready for sale....

The woman helping us with the estate is the problem...or maybe I am making too much of it...not sure which...

[East]

More common than you think. It may be a form of narcissistic behaviour.
Make you vulnerable, then rescue you.

In one of the schools of thought in psychology there is a theory about 3 personality types: persecutor, victim, rescuer. The persecutor will dance between persecutor and rescuer. Ive experienced it first hand. Not nice.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

YES..that is what she was doing. I couldn't put it into words very well....

[Pyromancer]

I have 2 concerns here -

First - you said she was talking nice to the woman's face but saying bad things behind her back...will she do that to you, too? Be nice to you while telling others what a crappy businessman you are and how she's the one who has to hold things together?

Second - I've experience having someone do that...build on my fears until I was close to hysteria, and then tell me that he just couldn't stand to see me that way and he was going to make things right no matter what he had to do. I fell for it a couple times, until my bf made me slow down and take a good look at the dynamic. What [MENTION=22576]yousir[/MENTION] said made so much sense...

My question is, do you HAVE to continue working with this woman? Because I'm afraid that her behavior is really going to wear on you...

[yousir]

what a nasty piece of work. Remember these people themselves are damaged. They have unspoken needs and play these headfuck games to try to fulfill them. best avoided. Its not your place to help them as it is too much of a mammoth task that requires a therapist, a lot of painful self reflection and mental/emotional shifting.

[MikeW]

...I want to know if this is common or is this a red flag?...

Red flag. You already know this. Fanning the lady's anxiety and then not only making light of her heightened fears but talking behind the lady's back that she "complains too much"? This is not someone you want in your life, business partner or otherwise.

[Beaux]

It was the woman partner Beaux...business partner only...not my man partner.

Specifically...she would throw in things like "OMG...what are you going to do to get rid of all of the building materials?"....or..."This is a HUGE job...you are never going to get it done"...and then it would start her worrying and getting visible upset and then she would say "Don't worry...it will all work out"...or ..."you shouldn't worry so much"...after she did it intentionally. Then...after she worked her up..she would come to use to complain about her.

I could easily calm the lady down and get her to relax and she would undo that right away every time....

There is me and my lover...the woman who is a new business partner helping us with the estate..and the women who owns the property and needs to sell it and get it ready for sale....

The woman helping us with the estate is the problem...or maybe I am making too much of it...not sure which...

Thank you East, I guess I am a little slow on the draw this morning.
Now that you've clarified things for me, I would definately say that your new "helper" seems to be the problem. Being that there is no reasonable explanation for her inciting the older woman to hysterics, I can only guess that it is a "game" she plays where she gets to be both attacker and "savior". Some people really get off on shit like that, so if it were me, I would help her exit stage left before I be willing to go into another business transaction with her. Admittedly, I lack patience with people who like to start shit, so I would give her the boot at the first opportunity, but you may have already made a more permanent agreement with her that you want to fulfill, in which case your looking for advice from some of the more socially adept members of our forum lol.

Love You Boi!
~Beaux