Would try to warn him...?

[Beaux]

Hey Y'all,
I will try to make this as short as possible, so please bear with me.

Back around 2007, before my husband and I got back together, I dated and went on to live with for 2 years a young man who I still have a great deal of affection for, let's call him "Dan". I do not see him or speak to him today, but I was very much in love with Dan and I happen to know that I was his first true love. In addition to having very strong feelings for him to this day, I know that our separating was best for the both of us and I want nothing but happiness and love for him. He is a wonderful, intelligent, handsome young man, and I count him as a "Great Love" of my life. No need to go into the specifics of our split, I will just say that, due to our age difference (he will be 28 in October) I understood that he has a lot of things that he will have to do and go through in life -that I have already done and been through- and I had to let him go if I really loved him, even if he couldn't understand why. Even if he thinks I am a complete *Dastard*, I know in my heart I made the right decision.

As it stands today, Dan doesn't speak to me. He has never gone out of his way to be hurtful to me or to ever say anything inapproiate to mutual friends, but after the split he wouldn't take my phone calls and after a while I stopped calling. We know enough people in common and our families are from neighboring towns, so I have never had to "snoop" on him to know what is going on in his life; though we are not friends on FaceBook, he often comments on our mutual friends' posts and vice versa....which is how I found out something that I suspect could be AWEFUL.

Long-time Forum members may or may not remember, but a while ago I posted about a boyfriend of mine who had been molested by his father, let's call the pedophile "Andy". Andy is the church youth pastor who I got fired at my parent's church. He admitted to molesting not only his 2 adopted sons, but molested his biological son as well, and all 3 of those young men told me that as they got older (18,19,20..) Andy had at one time or another drugged and raped them. The biological son is in his early 30's now, while the adopted boys are 29 and 27. The 27 year old told me that the last time he saw his "Dad", Andy slipped something in his drink and he woke up the next day naked on th floor of Andy's bedroom...

As I said, Andy was a youth pastor at my parents church before I started dating his youngest "son", so I have first hand knowledge of how disarmingly manipulative, cunning and -SICK- Andy is. He is in no way an attractive man, but somehow he is able to use this to his advantage as only the truly *EVIL* among us can. To those of you, my friends, reading this who have had the unfortunate experience of seeing genuine evil up close and personal (as I know some of you have), then you know what I am talking about.

I was checking the hated FaceBook page as I do every 10 days or so, and I saw a comment from Dan on a post of a mutual friend, and in his comment Dan tagged Andy!!! I made a couple of emails and discovered that Andy brought Dan with him as his date to a (gay) charity fundraiser last weekend and that he has asked Dan to take a "work trip" with him to Arkansas next weekend. I feel nauseous....

What do you guys think...? What do you think I should do....?

~Beaux

[Edward]

In your place I would stay out of this, especially if he doesn't want even communicate with you. Dan is an adult person and should be able to distinguish the good from the bad himself.

[jimcrackcorn]

Seeing how you two have mutual friends,,, I'd ask one of these friends to pass the word to your ex about this rapist...

[Pyromancer]

Reading your post, my feeling is that you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't at least try to warn him...my question is, do you think that he'll accept the warning if it comes directly from you? Has he reached a point where he can let go of his pain and possible anger about the breakup? I ask because I once had an ex warn me about someone, and I felt defiant and got involved with the person anyway (biggest mistake of my life...). Do you think he'll be able to understand that the warning is coming from a place of love?

If not...is there another trusted person who could speak with him? One of Andy's sons, or another mutual friend?

I take what you say about evil very seriously...once you've been in its presence, there's no mistaking it...I hope you can find a way to make Dan understand...

[Camfer]

If I were in that situation, I would try to get that information to "Dan" through any and all means, prioritized as:

1) Try contacting Dan myself
2) Ask a mutual friend to ask Dan to contact you asap
3) Give mutual friend a letter to give to Dan, or just mail it to Dan with no return address, making sure is wasn't libelous toward the molester but revealed the facts and his admissions

I would take action because it may help Dan, and I have nothing to lose or gain since my relationship to Dan is over. I wouldn't belabor the point with a lot of info, just a quick, "heads up because there's something you need to know about Andy's past behavior that could impact you in the future."

[MikeW]

...What do you guys think...? What do you think I should do....?

I'm a big proponent of MYOB but I agree with others, in this situation you need to do something for your own peace of mind if nothing more. The question is what/how? The suggestions being made by others are sound advice.

[Bookworm]

You definitely need to get a message to him Beaux. If it's too problematic to reach out to Dan directly due to your history and his antipathy towards you, I'd reach out to one or more of your mutual friends. He needs a heads up about what he's getting into.

[Iceblink]

Like MikeW, my usual feelings on something like this is that you need to stay out of it even if it means the person is going to be hurt. In this case, however, you need to reach to him, but because of your history and him not wanting contact with you, you need to do it indirectly through a mutual friend or something anonymous. Did this get media attention? Could links or printed material of news articles be passed along to "Dan"? Whatever you do, if it comes directly from you, there is a good chance it will not be taken seriously. It might just be written off as an ex trying to interfere in the guy's new relationship.

[Beaux]

Like MikeW, my usual feelings on something like this is that you need to stay out of it even if it means the person is going to be hurt. In this case, however, you need to reach to him, but because of your history and him not wanting contact with you, you need to do it indirectly through a mutual friend or something anonymous. Did this get media attention? Could links or printed material of news articles be passed along to "Dan"? Whatever you do, if it comes directly from you, there is a good chance it will not be taken seriously. It might just be written off as an ex trying to interfere in the guy's new relationship.

I thought about the situation while I was shopping today and had decided to follow everyone's advice, and pass the information along through a third party. I can have the middle "son"'s wife email him).
Unfortunately, no, this never got any media attention, because no one was willing to press charges! This is a REALLY tiny town where my parents live, and the 2 older siblings identify as hetrosexual, are married, and have children themselves. They didn't want the attention that would have inevitably resulted from friends, co-workers, ect. In fact, they were not at all happy when I told the Pastor what I knew about their "Dad". I couldn't help myself though, knowing what I knew and him being a Youth Pastor.

I appreciate all of the great I put from everyone!
Xoxo
~Beaux

[Darius]

Andy is a rapist and pedophile who should be in prison. He would probably do it again, if he hasn't already, and he deserves to be exposed. Personally, if I once loved someone, even if they broke my heart, I would be happy to know that they cared enough about me to reveal this. If he doesn't accept it because it comes from you, it indicates to me that he has his own emotional/psychological problems. That is just my opinion.

If it were me, I would tell him myself. If you can't do it, get someone else to do it. But do it for love. You know you love and care about him, right? I'm right.

Beaux, you are such a good man. I know you will do the right thing.