Okay, okay, I know this is a bad idea but...

[Anonymous]

So in point 1, you say you're not the cutest guy around and in point three you say that you are the best looking guy around.

Just how drunk were you when you decided to share with us?

Oops, that was actually a typo in the third point. My bad. I must look like an idiot.

[Pyromancer]

Okay...what's a Red Flag Alert for me is that you mention loneliness more than once...and say that if you do get a date with someone, you immediately start looking for long-term. And those 2 things DO NOT go well with NSA.

It's not sex that you're looking for...it's connection. Companionship. Belonging...dare I use the "L" word? And sweetie, you aint gonna find that in the bathroom of a club...

NSA can be pretty hot...if ALL that you want is sex...and afterward, you're remembering the sex, not the guy. It IS NOT a way to assuage the kind of loneliness you're talking about. And honestly? Your dick may be ready but your head isn't in the right space for NSA.

You're 19...you need to make friends, pursue your interests and STOP focusing on finding "the one". You need to get to a comfortable place where you're not desperate before NSA will work for you.

Oh...and maybe think about relaxing all those reasons why you can't date someone. You mentioned age gaps. My bf is 12 years older, and we're good together.
.
NSA can be great...but only if you're clear that you're going to find "Mr. Tonight" not "Mr. Right"...

[Bhp91126]

...

It's not sex that you're looking for...it's connection. Companionship. Belonging...dare I use the "L" word? And sweetie, you aint gonna find that in the bathroom of a club...

NSA can be pretty hot...if ALL that you want is sex...and afterward, you're remembering the sex, not the guy. It IS NOT a way to assuage the kind of loneliness you're talking about. And honestly? Your dick may be ready but your head isn't in the right space for NSA.

You're 19...you need to make friends, pursue your interests and STOP focusing on finding "the one". You need to get to a comfortable place where you're not desperate before NSA will work for you.
"...

Oh, finally ^^^^^

There are more things you can do with other gays than have sex and/or date. You don't mention whether you have gay friends, what you do for fun, but I don't think it involves gay activities. Try to look for friends first, before thinking about dating and having sex. Get off those dating apps and get thee to a gay center and see whether some of their program is interesting for you. I started out by volunteering in one and made lots of contacts there (and met boyfriends one and two and the men to spend my first night with, to get fucked by and to fuck with and the first man to break my heart, whose heart I broke, there)

Finally, sex. As long as you don't do it, you elevate "THE FIRST TIME" to mythical proportions. Only after you do it, you can evaluate what sex means to you, whether it's a 'sacred thing reserved for procreation in a committed relationship only' (Bwuahahahaha) or just a fun activity. Many men have slutty phases throughout their lives and for most those are only temporary.

[MikeW]

Okay, so what you're saying is , because I'm nineteen, I don't get to know what kind of person I am and what I value? or the rules I set for myself?

I'm sure the advice was good intentions, however I can't help to be slightly offended that you think just because someone is young, they don't know what they want in their lives. Yes, we tend to be overly idealistic, but it doesn't mean what we believe in are any less permanent.

Ok, well, you can take offense if you want but have you LIVED your life on your own terms yet? Haven't you lived your life under the direct influence of your parents, family, other adults and peers? More or less all of them straight?

It's clear to me from your meandering OP that you're conflicted. You have these ideals of what life should be like (strongly influenced by your heterosexual upbringing), and they're coming into conflict with the reality of gay life. Ok, so you would "like" a committed gay relationship. Nothing wrong with that except it isn't likely to happen at age 19. Not saying it *can't* happen for teens and young adults (under 25); I've come across a few online. BUT they *are* the exception, not the rule. Wouldn't know how to put a number on it, but its easily one in a thousand or less.

What is interesting to me, and what has always been interesting to me, is how many of you (meaning *young* gay men) SAY that you want a committed relationship--BUT, that isn't how you actually live your life. The truth is, you (young gay men in general) have NO IDEA from direct, lived experience what that actually means.

I've said repeatedly, I believe one of the reasons for this is that most gay youth don't start dating in their teen years the way their heterosexual peers do. Straight teens start going out with one another, holding hands, experiencing one another in social settings (dances, parties, malls), kissing, making out, petting, feeling one another up, experiencing lust and the tension of "will we or won't we?", finally going all the way, falling "in love," falling out of love, cheating on one another, fighting, breaking up, and etc., <<<< all that has been experienced by the vast majority of them, sometimes numerous times, before the age of 18!

For most gay boy teens life is very different, right? A large segment of it has to do with coming to terms within one's self about one's sexual feelings; dealing with fear and homophobia, struggling with questions of coming out or not, maintaining some sort of straight facade without getting totally entangled in it (because they know they're gay). SO... these boys end up like you, 19, never been kissed, and with very little REAL LIFE experience of what it means to be a social-sexual GAY man.

Am I off the mark here?

So, yeah, you feel conflicted. You're not comfortable in your own skin. You're being tempted to play around and do some hooking up but this goes against your sense of integrity, your wish to have a long-term, committed relationship. You have NO IDEA (experientially) how these two things fit together in YOUR LIFE. Right?

This is what [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] is getting at and why I'm saying what I'm saying. So... don't take offense... none is intended.

Many gay young guys have fears around letting themselves FEEL THEIR SEXUAL PASSION, not only feel it but experience it and share it with another guy/man. These days many of you have done little more than jerk off to porn, or maybe done some camming. To the point that many find it difficult to LET themselves actually experience the pleasure of SEX with another real, live, flesh and blood partner. I've encountered this more than once right here in this forum.

So, yeah, your erotic desires are in conflict with your social ideals. How is that going to work out? How are you going to learn what it means to be intimate with another homosexual? You aren't going to learn it from a book or a forum and you aren't going to learn it from watching porn, or even camming for that matter. The only way to do it is to *experience* other gay men, in the flesh, with all the fear, excitement and frustration, tastes, touches, and smells, that come with it.

Am I wrong?

[kjames]

I would start with making friends and finding a support system in your life. Once this is done you wont be reacting to your "loneliness" and you will make better decisions on the intimate relationships you are seeking.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would start with figuring out the difference between want and need in this/these areas of your life.

Do you actually need to get involved with another person for sex or relationship or whatever at this time?

Sure you may want to be close to another human being, might actually feel that life would be better with a lover or whatever - we all get that sort of 'want' thing - even when its the last thing we really need.

As for casual sex, I fear many of young gay man start off with this notion, this idea that he will trip down a flight of stairs into the arms of The One - and they will live happily ever after. When after a bit of time the harsh cold reality that the gay scene is about sex, and sex, and lust, and drink, and drugs, and porn, and lust and.... Sometimes - on rare occasions love happens.... These young gay men get a little desperate, or think something is wrong with them for having such lofty and romantic notions when it comes to matters of the heart.

Too often a nice guy gives up on that 'ideal' that he has made, and goes out and gets some strange on the side, and ends up coming to regret not 'saving' himself.

I think if many were honest about it, casual sex isn't always that nice, or pleasurable, or fun. For a 'virgin' who has never had the experience yet, its typical that casual sex turns out to be less satisfying for them.

Then the other side of that is that the young man, having had his first taste of sex, typically with a very charming and charismatic individual ends up crushing, or falling in love.

So those are SOME not all of the things you need to consider if you Need or Want any part of those things.

[Anonymous]

] is getting at and why I'm saying what I'm saying. So... don't take offense... none is intended.

Many gay young guys have fears around letting themselves FEEL THEIR SEXUAL PASSION, not only feel it but experience it and share it with another guy/man. These days many of you have done little more than jerk off to porn, or maybe done some camming. To the point that many find it difficult to LET themselves actually experience the pleasure of SEX with another real, live, flesh and blood partner. I've encountered this more than once right here in this forum.

So, yeah, your erotic desires are in conflict with your social ideals. How is that going to work out? How are you going to learn what it means to be intimate with another homosexual? You aren't going to learn it from a book or a forum and you aren't going to learn it from watching porn, or even camming for that matter. The only way to do it is to *experience* other gay men, in the flesh, with all the fear, excitement and frustration, tastes, touches, and smells, that come with it.

Am I wrong?

Okay, I must apologize as I interpreted your tone abit more condescending and hostile but now you've gone into more detail, it makes much more sense.

[Anonymous]

I would start with figuring out the difference between want and need in this/these areas of your life.

Do you actually need to get involved with another person for sex or relationship or whatever at this time?

Sure you may want to be close to another human being, might actually feel that life would be better with a lover or whatever - we all get that sort of 'want' thing - even when its the last thing we really need.

As for casual sex, I fear many of young gay man start off with this notion, this idea that he will trip down a flight of stairs into the arms of The One - and they will live happily ever after. When after a bit of time the harsh cold reality that the gay scene is about sex, and sex, and lust, and drink, and drugs, and porn, and lust and.... Sometimes - on rare occasions love happens.... These young gay men get a little desperate, or think something is wrong with them for having such lofty and romantic notions when it comes to matters of the heart.

Too often a nice guy gives up on that 'ideal' that he has made, and goes out and gets some strange on the side, and ends up coming to regret not 'saving' himself.

I think if many were honest about it, casual sex isn't always that nice, or pleasurable, or fun. For a 'virgin' who has never had the experience yet, its typical that casual sex turns out to be less satisfying for them.

Then the other side of that is that the young man, having had his first taste of sex, typically with a very charming and charismatic individual ends up crushing, or falling in love.

So those are SOME not all of the things you need to consider if you Need or Want any part of those things.

Sigh, why don't they send us a gay manual for life?

I guess down to the very core is what I want, I mean nobody else can live this life for me. Even this forum is already divided by 2 choices already. Either 'loosen up and see how it goes' or 'make sure you're sure you know what you want'.

I mean I'll try to be more open-minded about NSA , however it's still pretty difficult to branch out and meet more people.

[MikeW]

... I mean I'll try to be more open-minded about NSA , however it's still pretty difficult to branch out and meet more people.

Why is that? Is it because you live somewhere remote where there aren't any gay friendly places, or gay social events or groups you could meet?

[Anonymous]

Why is that? Is it because you live somewhere remote where there aren't any gay friendly places, or gay social events or groups you could meet?

It's more like I don't know any. And as you said earlier, for someone who has been living under the influences of a 'hetrosexual' life, it's kinda overwhelming to go alone.