What do I do?

[samzv]

Hi everybody..
Here's a little story Id like to share with you guys, probably would like to get some feedback too.

My name is Sam (everybody say Hi sam!)

I'm 25 years old, born n raised in Malaysia, born Moslem but opted out to b agnostic.
I am out as gay, to almost everybody, my friends and family.
In my entire life, I had real sex only 3 times, and all of them are one night stands. (I know, pathetic)

I dont know, so far, I just dont enjoy sex if I dont have romantic feelings for the guy, cuz later on I will fill disgusted (this is exclusively my case)

3 years ago I met a guy online, he is from Azerbaijan. (Some of u guys may have never even heard of his country and my country, I know)
We developed an online relationship for a few months, broke up n became friends (childish I know).
To cut the story short, after 2 years of online friendship he decided to come to my country and live with me with a condition that we r just friends.

He came, I got him a job, sheltered him, fed him, and we lived together for more than a year.
Within that time we fought too often.
We were not couple, we never had sex, but we kiss (lips) almost everyday, we sleep hugging each other every night, we spend almost all our free time together, when we watch movie he will lie his head on my lap vice versa, the closest we had to sex was him dry humping me, unclothed.

He said he likes me and has strong sexual interest in me but he believe he will feel terrible after having sex with me and he doesnt wanna ruin our relation because of sex.

He told me that he wanted a relationship where no sex is involved, so I told him yeah, thats called "friendship"

So recently he went back to his country n intending to come back here, but I intend to tell him not to come back anymore. Cuz Im bored of living like a dumb. Im gay. Obviously i need sex regardless, theres no point in him coming back here.

But. I live in a country where its almost impossible for me to find a bf. Even not much choice for a one night stand. I just dont like the guys here. This guy that I have been talking about, I love the way he looks like, and the way he treats me, everything is perfect but THERE IS NO SEX!

Honestly Im afraid that if I leave this guy, I will never find anyone else, and I believe that is what will happen unless I leave my country. But where do I go. What do I do.

Some people say Im stupid, but I really dont know what to do.

[Anocxu]

Guess he needs a Roofie Collada more than you do...

On a serious note..
You pledged friendship to this gentleman.
Throwing him out because he won't put out.. is not what a friend does.

Now regarding a romantic relationship.
I believe there there can be compromise.
If you are unhappy ..talk to him.

[SilverBullet]

perhaps going to another country will be better for you.
I would say until then, only make important decisions like whom you plan the rest of your life with AFTER you get off, that way you know your making a decision with the right brain for the right reasons.
perhaps come to the USA?

[East]

Why do you feel disgusted afterward?

You can leave the religion...but it takes a lot to get rid of the damage it did and get out from under the conditioning. I would work on that if I were in your shoes.

The thing with your friend thinking he will feel terrible after sex...not good either...and for that reason...I would not continue with any relationship that reinforces all the dogma you inherited...

[Eromir]

Sounds like you both have some issues that you need to work out, the best way is to talk openly about them and not end the relationship just like that. If you have more info you'll be able to make a better decision.

I come from country with widespread homophobia and despite living in Berlin for the past 6 years(European capital of gay), being openly gay(not in my home country, though), working a job that does promotion for the gay scene and intending to marry my partner, sometimes I still find myself thinking that I'm doing something bad and am hiding things I shouldn't. It's very hard to get rid of that cultural bias, but you can do that by examining why you feel bad about it, every single time a thought like that comes up.

Try to find out why your friend feels that way and then, maybe, you can find a way to help him. Whenever I have issues with my partner we write letter to each other. It's a way to explain complicated issues, without the other half jumping to premature conclusions first. Also avoids any unnecessary drama. Some say that talking directly is better... but that is what works for us, anyhow.

[samzv]

On a serious note..
You pledged friendship to this gentleman.
Throwing him out because he won't put out.. is not what a friend does.

Now regarding a romantic relationship.
I believe there there can be compromise.
If you are unhappy ..talk to him.[/QUOTE]

I promised him friendship a year ago, when he came to my country,
needing a job, someone to support him, now that he has resigned from the job I tried very hard to find, caused the visa that I helped to pay to be cancelled, and left my country due to social visa expiring, and intending to come back here start all over with a purely romantic non sexual relationship, I dont see myself as the bad guy here. I have fulfilled my promise, and he blew it up one by one.

Besides, the first time he started touching me when he first arrived in my country, I refused him politely to avoid any future trouble but he insisted, so we ended with neverending foreplays which I find to b ridiculous.

[samzv]

perhaps going to another country will be better for you.
I would say until then, only make important decisions like whom you plan the rest of your life with AFTER you get off, that way you know your making a decision with the right brain for the right reasons.
perhaps come to the USA?

I am definitely thinking that it's high time for me to leave the country, USA was never really an option to me, dont know what Id do there.
And yeah, never again will I allow my self to b stuck wit someone just because im afraid of being lonely.

[samzv]

Why do you feel disgusted afterward?

You can leave the religion...but it takes a lot to get rid of the damage it did and get out from under the conditioning. I would work on that if I were in your shoes.

The thing with your friend thinking he will feel terrible after sex...not good either...and for that reason...I would not continue with any relationship that reinforces all the dogma you inherited...

Hi East,

I feel disgusted not because of religious dogma or something like that. Its because I had to have sex with someone who is not really my cup of tea just because Im horny. If I did it with someone that I find to be really attractive, surely Id be fine with it.
(A few years ago I used to think if I were somewhere in Germany, Italy or USA, I would probably have been a manwhore by now, which I seriously have no issue with)-to stress out my disgust do not stem from religious dogma but choices of people I am left with.

As for my friend, he said he sees me as someone too close to him that he has developed some sort of respect that does not allow him to see me in a sexual way. He admitted that he cant help his feelings whereby he adores me very much n cant live without me, yet at the same time he finds any sexual act between us is demeaning, but anything romantic acts like kissing and sleeping naked together is completely fine.

Unfortunately for him, I am quite a perverted guy. I do appreciate his romantic ideals but as much as I like my friend, Id like to fulfil my kinky desires more.

[samzv]

Sounds like you both have some issues that you need to work out, the best way is to talk openly about them and not end the relationship just like that. If you have more info you'll be able to make a better decision.

I come from country with widespread homophobia and despite living in Berlin for the past 6 years(European capital of gay), being openly gay(not in my home country, though), working a job that does promotion for the gay scene and intending to marry my partner, sometimes I still find myself thinking that I'm doing something bad and am hiding things I shouldn't. It's very hard to get rid of that cultural bias, but you can do that by examining why you feel bad about it, every single time a thought like that comes up.

Try to find out why your friend feels that way and then, maybe, you can find a way to help him. Whenever I have issues with my partner we write letter to each other. It's a way to explain complicated issues, without the other half jumping to premature conclusions first. Also avoids any unnecessary drama. Some say that talking directly is better... but that is what works for us, anyhow.

Hi Eromir,

Thank u for ur reply, I think I have addressed a few of the concerns u mentioned in my previous responses above, regarding dogma or whatever issue he n me might have. I hope its clear.

But if I may know, what kind of more info do u think I need to make better decision?

Regarding talking, boy oh boy, did we talk. All the time. Every single time we fight, we will reconcile and there will be a moment of talking whereby we will both voice out our concerns. However, even after thousand times of talking we always end up the same place.

When we decided he should never touch me again, at the end he would.
When we decided to work our issues n make the relation work, he will start acting out weirdly as if depressed or feeling regret of touching me.
There was one time after kissing I went down to give oral all of a sudden he said "stop! I feel like a whore when u do this to me"

And Im like. WTF did i get myself into?

I do appreciate our relation. I do love him as a man. But i cant live a life of sexual deprivation. Though we discuss everything, it will still be an issue later on. I just cant afford to deal with it anymore.

[kjames]

Sounds like you need to start putting together a moving plan. I would start by committing to the move and begin researching what steps you need to take to make it happen.