Playing with fire?

[NayNay]

Hey guys,

need a little bit of advice on this one. 2 years ago, I came to this board to seek out advice on how to deal with the break up with one of my exes. I didn't deal with the relationship break up very well and was very obsessive about it. It all feels like this is in the distant past now but I never thought my ex would consider talking to me again after all the obsessive things I did after the break up.

Fast forward to 2015. We have met up with each other once since I moved in town. We did the whole awkward 'catch up' talk to see how everyone in our lives were doing, we didn't even talk about the break up.

Here I thought that this was it and I wouldn't be talking to him again, but he offered to help me if I needed anything with settling in. He gave me a few pointers on things to help me get around the city.

Now, he's messaging me asking me how I am doing, what my plans for pride are etc...

We've never really talked about how we feel about the break up and where we stand now but here we are talking again. (Honestly never considered we would with the way I acted)

Now we are going to go for dinner tomorrow night, just have poutine. I initiated the meet up because if we are texting with each other I don't want to tip toe around the idea of hanging out again. If he is contacting me asking me what my plans are for pride and the summer then I figure he wants to maybe be friends again.

I don't think he wants a relationship with me again and that is ok I don't want to go down that road again with him.

Can two guys that have been in a long term relationship, have a bad break up, be mean towards each other end up being just friends?

Is this trouble for me and should I just stay away and not talk to him anymore?

I want to think that we were just both young and foolish when we were together and that we've both grown since then. Perhaps we could just form a good friendship that is now beneficial for both of us. Maybe that is wishful thinking and we've already learned what we needed from each other and should just learn to move on and cut ties completely....

I don't even know what he wants out of this to be honest... Friends? Hook Up? more? Who knows...

It would be nice if we could just talk out the real issues we had with each other as adults and decide from there if we want to be friends or not.

[LJay]

Of course it is possible to wind up being friends. Just talk things over. A neutral atmosphere should help to keep it from becoming too emotional and giving yourself time to digest what is talked about is a good idea too. In other words, don't move too fast and tell your friend that is what you are doing. Good luck.

[Lexington]

Can two lovers become friends? Sure, it happens a lot. It sounds like your ex- is in the right frame of mind for that to happen. All of his moves sound friendly.

You, on the other hand, sound like you still have some sorting out to do. If you're freaking out about this, I'd say you probably need to have a talk with him. It sounds like you sort of viewed him as a "good lover where I did some crappy stuff after it ended", and you were sort of resigned to having him out of your life after that. Having him back as a friend isn't exactly unwelcome, but it's taking some time to get your head back into the right place for that, so you may need some extra time and distance before you're ready to be actual friends again.

Lex

[Steve]

I think you can be friends provided you both talk honestly about the past. Also, set some ground rules. When one of you is having an issue, talk about it in a timely manner. Letting problems fester leads to misunderstanding and fighting.

Friends with benefits? I know it's tempting, but you might want to wait a few months (or longer) to consider that option. You've been down that road, and not long ago. Just from the standpoint that you're slightly insecure about this situation and have written for advice I would strongly consider waiting for a casual sexual hook up. Sex can screw up a friendship faster than white on rice. Remember, honest communication is the key to keeping your emotions and actions in check.

Best of Luck.

[matty7]

well you were friends before partners I guess, so why not be able to go back to that now - 2 years have past and bitterness can get replaced by the memories of why you were together in the first place as buddys so why not just go with that for now and just resist the temptation to talk about the break up, enjoy dinner and chat about happier times from your past for now

[NayNay]

Can two lovers become friends? Sure, it happens a lot. It sounds like your ex- is in the right frame of mind for that to happen. All of his moves sound friendly.

You, on the other hand, sound like you still have some sorting out to do. If you're freaking out about this, I'd say you probably need to have a talk with him. It sounds like you sort of viewed him as a "good lover where I did some crappy stuff after it ended", and you were sort of resigned to having him out of your life after that. Having him back as a friend isn't exactly unwelcome, but it's taking some time to get your head back into the right place for that, so you may need some extra time and distance before you're ready to be actual friends again.

Lex

I do have a little bit of sorting out to do. I know I just want to be friends with him. I'm just nervous that old sparks might come back and I fall into my old emotional trap again.

I think you can be friends provided you both talk honestly about the past. Also, set some ground rules. When one of you is having an issue, talk about it in a timely manner. Letting problems fester leads to misunderstanding and fighting.

Friends with benefits? I know it's tempting, but you might want to wait a few months (or longer) to consider that option. You've been down that road, and not long ago. Just from the standpoint that you're slightly insecure about this situation and have written for advice I would strongly consider waiting for a casual sexual hook up. Sex can screw up a friendship faster than white on rice. Remember, honest communication is the key to keeping your emotions and actions in check.

I don't want to do friends with benefits with him right away, I really would need to feel out the situation first and see how we are together.
Best of Luck.

well you were friends before partners I guess, so why not be able to go back to that now - 2 years have past and bitterness can get replaced by the memories of why you were together in the first place as buddys so why not just go with that for now and just resist the temptation to talk about the break up, enjoy dinner and chat about happier times from your past for now

Probably a good idea, I don't want to go on a moral high ground trying to talk about stuff that happened in the past. I just want to see if there is a friendship to be had out of all of this.

Of course it is possible to wind up being friends. Just talk things over. A neutral atmosphere should help to keep it from becoming too emotional and giving yourself time to digest what is talked about is a good idea too. In other words, don't move too fast and tell your friend that is what you are doing. Good luck.

I'm not sure if we will talk about it tomorrow but I'll play it by ear and see how the mood is while we are having dinner. Try to see if we still connect and have things to talk about before having the discussion.

[Anocxu]

I do have a little bit of sorting out to do. I know I just want to be friends with him. I'm just nervous that old sparks might come back and I fall into my old emotional trap again.






Probably a good idea, I don't want to go on a moral high ground trying to talk about stuff that happened in the past. I just want to see if there is a friendship to be had out of all of this.



I'm not sure if we will talk about it tomorrow but I'll play it by ear and see how the mood is while we are having dinner. Try to see if we still connect and have things to talk about before having the discussion.

Regarding your moral high ground comment.

I'm assuming the relationship ended because Both of you did things that were wrong in each others eyes.

If there is still resentment without apologies.. on yours or his end you're dancing on thin Ice.

If he feels exactly the way you feel...
Water under the bridge...

Then go for it..

[NayNay]

A bit of an update...

We went out for dinner and dessert and we kept the conversation light.... and it went well We are actually going to this free yoga event now on Saturday. I was planning to go by myself but he loves doing yoga and it's my first time so we are going together lol. I think we will end up being good friends

[James]

Just be careful, stay safe, love life, but always protect yourself, James

[ShiftyNJ]

I'm friends with most of the guys I dated. All but the crazy ones actually.