[COLOR="SeaGreen"]A half a year ago I met a great guy and we have gotten along well. Initially, he told me he favors open relationships which I was fine with because, while I do tend towards monogamy, emotionally, I also understand that most men can schism sex from emotions: thus, him seeking sex from others (so long as safe), engaging in erotic roleplay on chats, and what not was no big deal.
Recently, he met another gentleman who he has fallen in love with too. The thing is, he loves us both and has done a great deal to reassure me. I have met the other guy and he is good people and he makes my significant other happy as well. I am happy he has found someone else who he loves on the same level. The problem is, here and there, I feel vaguely sick, anxious, and have had these odd crying fits (e.g. I will be playing a video game, in traffic, or something and just start crying, which lasts for up to twenty minutes, then stops). [/COLOR]
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I have researched it and know that polyamorous people can love multiple people fully. I don't have any issue with it. I am not one of those weird and clingy guys. I am fine with it, at least rationally. But there is something there that is malfunctioning. Something I can't quite identify. Since I know polyamory is not uncommon in LGBT relationships, has anyone else had experiences like this? How long do these odd emotional outbursts take to pass?[/COLOR]
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Well, hon, your mind might understand it on a logical level, but somehow you need to explain that to your heart. What you are experiencing is called "Heart-Break".
Being "fine" with something theoretically is a LOT different than being ok with it emotionally. For example, I know numerous couples who enjoy open relationships and, in theory, I have no problem with non-monogamous relationships.....HOWEVER, there is no way in hell I would be part of one!
Truthfully, this is something you are going to have to decide for yourself--can you accept that you are not the person he "loves the most in the world"? If not, then it's time you guys had a talk.....
Best of Luck,
~Beaux
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I agree with everything that [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] said, and I also wonder if you're compromising yourself a bit in order to keep him, to hold onto whatever part of him you can have. There's a wistful "I'm-a-big-boy-I-can-deal" tone to your words that makes me want to just hug you..
To be honest...? If my partner found someone else that he "loved on the same level" as he loves me, I would be shattered. There's a huge gap between what I can understand intellectually and what I can live with on an emotional and feeling level.
I think that instead of focusing so much on him, you need to look into yourself and be brutally honest with yourself about who you are and what you want/need. Because you aren't going to "get over" the "emotional outbursts" and the cost of molding yourself into what's convenient for him will be way too high. [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] always tells me that I have to recognize and own my truth...and that's what you need to be thinking about.
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[COLOR="DarkRed"]Thanks for the replies, all. I think you may have both been right about the heart break. I hadn't identified it at the time but a bunch of small events and miscommunications wound up making this completely shattering, where the only thing holding me together was rationalization. I have never given so much of myself to another person, emotionally, or trusted another so much. In hindsight, it was pretty foolish not to realize that I had been shattered so completely.
The situation has resolved itself. Part of why I fell for him is he sees right through me and, yesterday, after posting and milling about on side tasks, he came to me to confront me about my recent issues. It was a communication problem early on where I had said I was fine with an open relationship, sexually, but not so much with emotionally. I didn't specify emotionally, though, so he had no idea what this would cause. He was confused and thought I would be on board, fall in love with the new gentlemen, and so on.[/COLOR]
Once we talked it out, he apologized for causing me pain, I apologized for causing this whole mess to begin with by not being clear in my communications, and he broke it off with the other so that they would remain friends.
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putresVigil Wrote:... It was a communication problem early on where I had said I was fine with an open relationship, sexually, but not so much with emotionally. I didn't specify emotionally, though, so he had no idea what this would cause. He was confused and thought I would be on board, fall in love with the new gentlemen, and so on.... Yeah, this is the problem with not knowing one's own truth. If I don't know it and accept it in and about myself, I can't communicate it clearly to others and, as you've learned, this can lead to misunderstandings and pain. But its good that you've gotten this clarity now and I'm happy it sounds like things are going to work themselves out. And don't beat yourself up about not being clear... all of us are like that about some things. For whatever reason we can't LET ourselves know our truth sometimes; it takes some 'shock' to make it clear as something we can accept about ourselves AS true.
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If you are feeling as you are, then you are probably not truly -okay- with it, no matter how much you want to be, no matter how rational you try to be or convince yourself that you are.
Not being okay with it doesn't mean you're clingy or insecure, it just means it's not okay for you...
When Twist and I first hooked up, we weren't exactly exclusive, and even when it ended up that way, he offered to "allow" me to be with others. Said he was okay with it, and thought honestly, at that time that he was. Though I told him absolutely not...not only was I not interested in anyone else, I also knew that should he have shared me in that way, he wouldn't have been able to give me as much of himself as he does.
It would have hurt him on levels he didn't even know existed yet, it would have caused him to hold parts of himself back from me. And really, is it -fair- for him to give all of himself for me if I'm not giving ALL of myself to him? I don't think that it is, it doesn't feel right to me.
And to be perfectly honest? I'm a GREEDY SOB, I'm extremely possessive and there's no way in hell I'd share him with ANYONE.
You aren't alone, man. And there is nothing wrong with needing what you need.
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I think polyamorous relationships sound good on paper....and I "get" the concept.....
BUT...
I am not built for one...and I would probably leave the situation rather than ask the guy to choose...I would be the one who chose...and I would sincerely wish them well on the way out the door....
Having said that...a question for the OP...
Now that he has made a choice...what will you do if this arises again? If he is polyamorous...do you think he will want this same type of relationship in the future?
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I don't buy that you are okay with him being with someone else sexually or otherwise. You are trying too hard to make us believe that, but if you are honest with yourself, even you are not convinced. For reasons known only to you, you feel you have to let him have his way in order to keep him. Don't be a door mat.
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Some people simply aren't cut out to be in a polyamorous relationship, and it appears you may be one of them.
Lex
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The opening poster subconsciously spoke from his heart when the wrote the title of the thread...
"Monogamous in a polygamous relationship "...
^^^^
This is not a good place to be if you feel this way.
No better advice can be given elsewhere that what has been posted here.
I hope he works it out..
Hugs.
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