Tough to discuss

[RUoutthere]

This is a very difficult subject for me to discuss. I am new to this web site and it took a long time to decide to be open about a struggle I deal with. I am trusting that this site is what it claims to be. I don't need to hear the obvious recommendations that the greater society believes in. What I am having trouble with has been handled with counseling and discussions with very close and trusted family members and friends. However, it is still a problem that I am looking for solutions to.

I am 66 and from an early age, I have dealt with being selective in who I am attracted to. I have a selfish desire to be attracted to physical appearance more than what is inside the person and who they are. As a younger man, this was less of a problem because I was considered pretty good looking myself and had no problems with finding relationships with guys that were not focused on being long term soul mates. This worked for me. I have not really ever desired to invest my emotions and commitment into building a close and personal relationship. I like the freedom of being with who I wanted to be with and not getting too involved. This was not so good for some of the people I was involved with who thought they could change me and wanted to invest more of themselves into building a relationship with me that was just not going to happen.

My problem has developed over the years and gets worse the older I get. While I have done very well in most aspects of my life for a career, home, financial stability, friendships, spiritual life, hobbies and other areas of satisfaction, I am experiencing a great deal of frustration with sexual intimacy. Yes, at 66 I am still turned on to sexual activity. However, as I mentioned earlier, I have always been very critical and selective with regards to the physical appearance of the person I get sexually involved with. Now that I am 66 and not that good looking young guy I once was, I struggle with finding someone who is understanding of my situation and meets the appearance criteria I have. It seems based on what the consensus is for a couple of respected counselors, there is a part of my brain development that did not mature along with the other areas of my life and my intimate desires in life are still pursued as if I were still in my early 20's. I know its weird. Please, I live with this condition. I have tried several times to alter my thinking only to experience total failure in an intimate situation with someone anywhere near my age and physical appearance. It can be very embarrassing and hurtful for the other person.

Hence, my screen name on this forum, RUoutthere. Is there someone out there that meets the criteria to match with mine. I am not talking about being a "sugar daddy" or troll or child molester or any number of other derogatory names that are out there. I am a very considerate, kind, and generous person. When ever I have been involved with people who make me happy with my ideals of a relationship, I have found that both sides have felt mutually satisfied. One could view certain behaviors as prostituting or hustling but I assure you, that has never been the motive behind the conditions between myself and the other party. If it were so, I have the means to just pay for sexual services.

I do enjoy being involved in the other person's dreams and goals of life for them. I have played an important role in several people achieving what they wanted to do in their life. We traveled, dined, attended entertainment events, and spent a lot of time just being together and talking, However, since the conditions were always known to be "no strings attached", each of those people have moved on with their lives, some moving completely into straight lives with wives and kids. I am still in touch with many and to this day, no one has ever regretted what we had or turned against me.

I am now at a point where finding such companions, as I like to refer to them as, is very difficult. Therefore, I thought by expanding my reach to the internet world, I may just find someone out there. I realize it is risky and it takes a lot of getting to know one another to determine if it is a good fit for both. I won't know unless I try. It is better than the way things seem to be going.

So now I will see what happens. What gets said. Who can be objective and not judgmental. Maybe even discover someone who wants to explore in more detail what I am all about and thinks they are someone I would find attractive for the intimate portion of the relationship. So fire away if you wish.

Thanks for taking time to read through this. Believe it or not, it was not easy to share.

[Virge]

All of this is way out of my ball park but I know two guys your age and older who seem to be about the same. Neither of them talk much about it. Old school manners and discretion, I guess.

[RUoutthere]

Thanks for reading my post Virge

[Camfer]

Well, this site would be an extremely unlikely place for you to find such a relationship. This is a not a site for meeting guys. It's more a site to talk about stuff.

The internet may well help you find what you seek. Since it's a bit obscure, you're involved in a numbers game. Just go to the dating sites and post an honest description of yourself and who might be compatible with your desires. Be completely forthright. Probably the best site for you would be silverdadies.com

Another strategy is to start hosting parties for younger guys at your house. Sure, a lot of them will just be there to drink your booze and eat your food, but maybe one of them will hang around to help you clean up, become a true friend, and maybe add a physical component later on.

It might be easier if you get over the shame and embarrassment around what you seek. People can sense this. There's no harm in the relationship you describe, so own the fact that this is what you seek.

Although you touched on it and seem to reject it as an option, I do wonder if you can divide up these desires and get your wants met. You could well develop a purely platonic relationship with a younger guy, where you help him identify his aspirations in life and help him achieve that, nights out on the town, trips to exotic locales, etc, but purely and honestly as a friend. Then hire out the sex part with someone else. You could just be Uncle OutThere to someone instead of RUOutThere. It merits further consideration. Just be honest about it so you don't get extorted later.

[MikeW]

This is a very difficult subject for me to discuss. ...

I understand your hesitation, appreciate your honesty and agree with [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] in what he has suggested. I don't think you're going to get any shit for anything you've said on this forum (maybe but I doubt it).

We're about the same age and I feel a lot of the same way you do. We are different, though, in that I *have* been in LTRs and have never been particularly interested in (or open to) hook-up sex; even when I was much younger. Since I've outlived both of my previous partners and feel much a you do, attracted to what is considered "age INappropriate" younger men, I'm a bit at a loss. Another difference, though, is that I'm not actively seeking either sex or companionship (let alone a full-on relationship). Living in a college town, I am surrounded by the most amazingly gorgeous guys imaginable... but I seldom interact with any of them. Occasionally, but it is quite rare, and I'm mostly OK with that. I *do* have a lot of on-line gay pen-pals of various ages, but I *never* get into sexual / caming (or w/e) situations with them. This is just me, the way process things. I want to be open to the possibility something might turn up but, quite frankly, I'm not willing to put much energy into *finding* or *making* something like that happen. If it does, great. If not, no BFD for me.

Obviously you're feeling very differently about this. It is something you feel you need. From what I can tell it iS possible... but as you say, difficult and likely frustrating. But, again, I do agree with [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] that the best way to go about this is to be totally honest with yourself and any prospect about who you are and what you want. Any "deception" on either parties part would probably lead to drama... and who the hell needs that at our age! LOL

Good luck!

[Anocxu]

I hate to be the dick in this thread but ,..
"You reap what you sow"

I know guys like you ...
I've dated a guy like you...

Guys that have invested most their lives in everything else but .. understanding relationships, what other people involved with you m need , how love happens, how it should work,
Unconditional love <-----

I've heard a recurring line or reference from family and a few close friends..

"old and alone"

At an early age i've molded my life to avoid living that reference.


Opening poster...
Click on everyone's profile posting above me...

Read what they've been posting regarding relationships and love...

These guys have been doing their homework for years.

Unfortunately I will not encourage or point you in a direction or place where you can resume building superficial relationships to nowhere...

I'll encourage you to tap deeper,
Challenge yourself...

You have the home, education and finances...

Put some serious work in , now that you have the time to get the guy, make him (and yourself) happy.. without the superficial complications.

[RUoutthere]

Many thanks to all of you. Especially for being considerate of my situation. I truly believe your suggestions are sincere and based on your experiences in life. A couple of the suggestions, or a form of them, were interesting to me and worth exploring.

Anocxu: I do appreciate your candid comments. I respect your commitment in life to do your best to have a meaningful monogamous relationship and have that special someone to live out your life with. While it may be difficult for you to comprehend how I could really be satisfied with my relationship preferences, I am quite comfortable with believing in them. My earlier years had many circumstances that put me in situations with a large number of guys my age when I was real young and younger guys as I got older that found me discrete and trustworthy to explore feelings they were curious about. As you can imagine, the greater the generation gap, the more difficult it is to relate. However, I still enjoy the satisfaction of being a good listener and a very encouraging person when someone has ideas about their future. I like to think of myself as someone who can remove a road block or hurdle for others. Sometimes this is financial. Sometimes it is through connections I have. Sometimes it is just simple constant encouragement and a little relentless persistence to not giving up. It seems that one or more of these commitments on my part has open the other persons barriers to understanding what I am looking for. Then, for a period of time until they want to get serious with someone or move on to a different life style, I feel complete and a sense of accomplishment. Believe me, the couple of counselors that I have come to respect and enjoy working with find me unique in some ways. I don't necessarily enjoy that but it has helped me cope at times. But thank you again for your thoughts about my long term welfare.

BTW, since I am new at this, I apologize if referring to you gentlemen by your GS site name is bad manners. If I should be using first names, please let me know.

I will continue this exploration and see what others may have to offer. I have and will continue to weigh all the possibilities and as I do in the other areas of my life, try to make some good decisions and adjustments, even if that means dedicating more of my time to other interest rather than young guys.

Ya'll take care. (That's Texas talk )

[Spinz]

It sounds like you have never really had a real deep, loving, intimate, sexual committed relationship. That takes a lot of work and from what you've said, you've done everything to avoid it.

My question is, now at 66 do you feel you're ready? Are you looking for it because the easy, "hot and ready" isn't available for you anymore? That might hurt, but I think you understand it's a valid question seeing as it is very possible you'd do the same if you found a physically appealing man and dump him when when a hotter man shows you interest. It's what is inside that counts, looks, even amazing hotness, fades when you spend enough time together. That's true about average looks too. It all becomes familiar. So why should anyone set themselves up for a future where you tell them straight out, "I will discard you when I get bored of you."?

ive met a lot of guys like you, and honestly, I would not have one clue how to turn this behavior around. The only advice I've got is no matter what, and I mean no matter what, in a committed relationship, it about YOU stayingin it and dealing with whatever comes. Can you really do that?

[Darius]

RUouththere, RU in the closet? Is that why you still only want casual sex partners? You seem to be willing to have a limited amount of involvement outside the bedroom, but no further.
You've spent a lifetime conditioning your mind and body to a certain type of romantic life. Now, it's difficult, maybe even impossible, to change the habits of a lifetime.
If you read and believe the internet, there are young guys out there attracted to older guys. Some are probably even interested in only no strings attached sex. Obviously, they don't expect you to be the young and beautiful 20 year old you once were and they wouldn't be attracted to that anyway. While your options might be more limited than in your youth, there are still some. The problem might be the criteria by which your judge potential sex partners. If you are so rigid in your tastes that the guys must be young and so hot, they might just be out of your league. You may have to settle.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Life is a school that teaches us lessons. We actually get to choose what we take from all experiences.

EXAMPLE: I was badly abused as a kid, while I had no control over all of that, I did have control on how I would allow those experiences to mold and make me the person I am today.

I could have allowed it all to make me an abuser, control freak, and other negatives. Instead I choose to allow those experiences to mold me into being a 'nice guy', allowing my own experience of pain to give me empathy of pain of others, and lots of other positives - well positive behaviors considering the horrors I went through.

Not to be mean, or hurtful, I am going to tell the blunt truth. Most young gay men feel exactly as you felt back in your hay day when you were young, judgmental, etc. Your choice here is not to undo your slipping into the 'ugly' of old age, but to come to accept that you are old, have an old "ugly" body and learn to accept that older guys are going to be more interested than the kids.

Yes there are young men seeking older men - but the majority of those are gold diggers. You need to accept that chances are high any young guy who is going to pay any attention to you will do so with a price tag attached.

In AA/NA and other twelve step programs there is what is called the serenity prayer:

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

You said: "... meets the appearance criteria I have..."

This is something YOU can change - as you can change this criteria inside of you.

This is the wisdom of the serenity prayer:

You CANNOT control or change that which is outside of you. You cannot force others to accept you, love you, whatever. You can, however, change how to perceive others and how to feel about shit in life.

Your issue here is NOT finding a young man to accept you as you are (old). Your issue is finding the acceptance to accept the things you cannot change - e.g. - you are old only old guys are going to be able to tolerate you to give you companionship without the price tag.

Unfortunately for you you were (past tense) a good looking fellow. Actually that isn't the bad part, the bad part is you knew you were good looking thus readily made this impossible ruler to measure all guys with. Sadly Time has made that ruler obsolete.

You are 66 years of age, its time to learn how to live within your means - financially, chronologically, physically - what ever. Yes that is a hard thing to do. I myself currently fight with learning my limits of physical ability as my mind remains young, but my body has decided to become old and frail and other really crappy shit which limits me.

I would suggest that you see a therapist you can work with to relearn how to accept YOU at your age so you can accept other men who are more apt to be partners, friends, lovers or fuck-buddies.

OR you can open that wallet of yours and start paying your way for young meat.

As hurtful as that feels, I am afraid that all of the nice, honest to goodness young guys who find older men to be hot without glancing at the wallet are not only far and few between, but are already taken.