Boyfriend of 5 months wants to be just friends now

[shykid25]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and yesterday he said he can't be in a relationship right now because he wants to better himself it his acholol problem, dealing with his grandfather and his family. He said everyone wants a piece of me and said that it isn't fair to me that he claims he won't be able to be the boyfriend I want him to be. I told him that is not a reason to break up and just be friends, I'm there for him to help and support you. He said that he doesn't know if he will hurt me in the future with his so called changes he is going through. He said he doesn't want to lose me, he wants me to be around and do things how we were doing it except I'm now just the friend and not his partner.

This hurt me so much, I never loved anyone more than him. Idk if he is being honest or if he is seeing someone else or if he just doesn't want the responsibility a relationship to add to his stress.

We were texting today (7-12-15) and it seemed all normal and everything. I just don't under stand how he wants his space which I spend just the weekend with him and the rest of the week I'm never around him, maybe like once during the week I am but that is it. I really don't know what to do. I love him too much to let go and he said that he loves me too. I told him I can't stand to see him with someone else because that will hurt so much. He said he doesn't plan on being in a relationship with anyone for a while and he said he doesn't know how long it will take him to so call better himself. Why doesn't he want me around as his partner to be there to support him and etc. I told him this and he simply said it's not fair to me. Wtf!? I'm so sad, angry and confused right now.

What is your take on this? Sorry if it sounds confusing I'm writing this on my phone and when I'm emotional m

[Anocxu]

You two have very different goals when it comes to your relationship.

His thought process is typical alcohol induced rationalization ... In, out, up down, me, me, me!!

People think the only time alcohol affects an individual's behavior is when they're drunk.. but the truth is the mentality lingers...It affects ego, rationalization, judgement and decisions ..

You are concerned about your relationship... he is concerned about his well being...You seem very eager to do what is best for both of you... on the other hand...He feels burdened and overwhelmed.

If he loved you even remotely as you loved him..
Despite your issues..
You two would be on the same page regarding solving them.

Alcoholism ties in with classic addict behavior..
It's fair to say you were an extension of his addiction....He is letting go of alcohol and you at the same time..

This will hurt you , this is painful... but honestly you deserve better...
You deserve someone that thinks as clearly as you do...

Give him what he wants.. his space..
If he comes around eventually.. apologetic, lucid, sober and ask for your hand ..
Awesome!!

I wouldn't encourage you to wait around for him when you should be healing...

^^^^^^
Easier said than done...
But it must be done.

Hugs..

[MikeW]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and yesterday he said he can't be in a relationship right now because he wants to better himself it his acholol problem...What is your take on this? Sorry if it sounds confusing I'm writing this on my phone and when I'm emotional...

I can see why you're upset and feeling confused and emotional. Your presentation isn't confusing at all, although I suspect you FEEL confused. Understandable.

It's always difficult to now what to say in a situation like this, not knowing either you nor him. In any case, if we take his words at face value and just accept them as being his truth.... where does that leave you? You say you love him and don't want to let him go... alright, but do you love him enough to stand by him in this decision? To, in essence, *wait* for him to deal with his issues, knowing there is no guarantee you'll get back together?

That's the big question. Because if you can't or don't want to wait, can't accept this redefinition of your relationship, then that is your choice. It's an unhappy one for you, a loose, loose situation. The reality, though, is that we can't force anyone to be where we'd like them to be. When it comes to relationships it just doesn't work that way.

I think you've done the right thing (both of you) in the sense you've both said your truth to one another. Unfortunately those "truths" don't match up. ... You want one thing, he wants something different, at least for now, and I don't see as you can do anything about it except accept it (painful as that may be). Beyond that you can choose how you want to deal with it. You can remain his friend, or not. You can choose to begin dating again (when you're ready), or not.

One thing I can tell you is that, although it may feel like it right now, even if this is the end of *this* relationship, it isn't the end of all possible relationships for you. It may take time to heal but you *can* move on when you're ready, if that's what you decide you want to do.

Good luck, welcome to the forum, and keep us up to date on what's going on with you.

ETA, yeah, I agree with [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION].

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah texting is such a great way to communicate....

The man is doing you a favor, and his wanting to deal with his alcoholism FIRST is actually the right thing to do and is actually one of the foundation signs of a serious alcoholic/addict knowing they have a problem and wanting to actually work on it.

He will need at least one year to figure out who he is as a sober person. He might actually discover he has other issues (mental/emotional issues) he has to work on in order to break the chain that leads to endless empty bottles behind him.

HE is actually doing the reasonable and honorable and most loving thing he can do by letting you have your freedom.

Unfortunately you can't grasp what its like to be an addict/alcoholic (which is a good thing for you), so you cannot understand how huge a sacrifice this really is on his side, nor comprehend just how massive an act of love this can be.

And as an old Addict/Alcoholic myself, I can assure you only that this is a huge step in the right direction towards his breaking the chain of addiction. And I can barely scratch the surface of how unselfish an act this really is - even though its killing you.

Its better that you only have 5 months invested here. Had or if he allows his 'little drinking problem' to go unchecked the horrors that would unfold over the years would devastate you and break your relationship in unfix-able ways.

I strongly suggest you find Alanon Meeting(s): https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=al+anon+meetings for YOU to go to to learn more about what he is going through and what you can and cannot do to help.

I'm pretty certain that the majority of those people will tell you that he is doing the right thing.

[novice]

The above advice was in the same as I got when I was in a similar situation many years ago. Whatever his reason(s) are just leave it at that. "Fighting" it isn't likely to help or change his mind. IF he changes his mind he'll let you know. More hurt for you is likely if you remain just "friends" with him. Take it from someone who has WASTED A LOT OF TIME on relationships that were "over" even though I wasn't able or ready to "realize" it - get out & "live" - you will meet someone else. Down the road maybe you & he can reconnect.

It's easier said than done I realize....

[Beaux]

He is fucking someone else.
~Beaux

[East]

Uh...I didn't want to say it so I moved on initially after reading it...but if you read [MENTION=13210]Beaux[/MENTION] ...I thought the same thing......

[novice]

He is fucking someone else.
~Beaux

This seems to be the consensus view on/in these situations so there must be some validity to it. It also seems to be a pretty "routine" scenario that guys just have to accept as "normal" (or just don't date period).

[Tim]

I think is scared of a true relationship, and find it easier to be "just friends" with the benefit of sex.

The real question here, is that good enough for you?

[novice]

I think is scared of a true relationship, and find it easier to be "just friends" with the benefit of sex.

The real question here, is that good enough for you?

gay men rent, they don't buy