Bisexuality

[Jettalove]

Posing some questions about bisexuality. I know labels in general suck and do not convey the reality of things. But, I’d still like to know what some of your thoughts are on it.

1. What is your personal definition of being “bi”? I know this will vary from person to person.

I’ve seen it defined many ways. Some people use the label if they’ve ever had and enjoyed sex with both genders. Some define it as being able to fall in love with both genders. For some, they can live their whole lives straight but if they have even one enjoyable encounter with the same sex, they must be gay. Or, they must be bi.

To me, the true meaning of bisexuality means being able to fall in love with either gender. Not sure if everyone would use the phrase “fall in love with”, but you get the idea. You could have sex with someone of your own gender and still not be bi (or gay for that matter). In my mind, it’s the identification of finding an emotional and love connection with another person. I’ve said on here before, I don’t consider myself truly bi because I don’t feel the same emotional connection with women that I am attracted to as I do with men that I am attracted to. Men, I can feel deep emotions for, and fall in love with. Women, I can have sexual encounters with but don’t feel much of anything afterwards - but the sex may have been fun and hot.

That said, I seem to see at least a few men on here and elsewhere that appear to engage only in purely sexual relationships. I wonder, do they consider themselves to be gay even if they can’t or won’t “fall in love with” a guy? Or am I wrong in my observation (meaning, maybe they actually ARE emotionally connected, but don’t express it). What if they were previously married to a woman (and genuinely fell in love with her at some point) and then go on to have purely sexual relationships with men? Is that common? Could that be in some way partly attributed to the fact that some men (note: I said some) are just not wired to be emotionally connected to someone in that way? (but may have done so previously with a woman because the woman “brought it out” in them?)
I know this works both ways- plenty of straight guys only have sex for sex’s sake and never necessarily develop love feelings for women, but, if that ever did happen, it’d be with a woman.

The concept of sexual fluidity has been researched for women and is indeed very real; I’m not sure if it has for men but I haven’t really looked for that research yet. My guess would be that men have just as much capability for sexual fluidity as women do, but don’t express it due to cultural restrictions and biases (real or perceived). (@MikeW)

2. If you identify as gay and are in a committed long-term relationship with a man (or ever were in your life) would it bother you if your partner identified as bi? Would that change if you knew that he only liked sex with women, but didn’t feel a deep emotional connection with them as he does for you? [Of course let’s assume he didn’t want to act on that attraction because he wants to remain faithful to you. If he cheated or wanted to cheat, that’s a whole other discussion.]

This is a collection of my random thoughts; I’m not saying I truly subscribe to any of these theories; I’m just posing the questions and looking for thoughts and opinions.

The expression of emotion is interesting to me. I recently became certified as a MBTI Practitioner (Myers Briggs Type Indicator), where it is clear that certain personality types may definitely feel emotion, but might not necessarily express it verbally or even think it consciously. Of course, people of either gender could be any of the 16 personality types.

One last thought: There needs to be an “L Word” for gay guys. Will it ever happen? [and I don’t mean a fucking sitcom]. They could just adapt the script from this forum

[MikeW]

When I was living with my first partner, Mindy, everyone wanted to label me as "bi" (and tried to get me to accept that label) but for me it just didn't "fit". I'm not attracted sexually to both men and women. True, I obviously do have the capacity to fall in love with both men and women (I have... and Mindy and I are now like brother and sister). But from my totally subjective POV, there was never any doubt in my mind that I was/am homosexual. ALL my sexual fantasies revolve around both sexual and emotional bonding with other males and never females.

So... not being one and thus not knowing anything, really; to me a "bisexual" is someone who is sexually and emotionally attracted to both genders. It could be 50/50 or some other ratio I suppose.

As for men who label themselves bisexual and having a relationship with them, I dunno... I can't seriously entertain that question in the abstract. It would just depend on OUR connection. That said, were I in a "dating phase" of my life, I wouldn't hesitate to date a man who self-identified as bisexual. If it started to become serious, there would be discussions about it, for sure. Just how that would go, again, would depend on whatever our relationship was shaping up to be.

[TwisttheLeaf]

1) Sexually interested in, and turned on by, both males and females.

I don't think sexuality has anything to do with who you can or can't fall in love with. It's about sex.

Anyone can fall in love with anyone, regardless of sexual attraction. That's emotions for you, yeah? Emotions aren't about who gets your dick hard, but about who you -connect- with intellectually, personality wise, etc.

-Sexually- The fact is? Some people are more picky than others. Not every straight person is going to be turned on by or interested in EVERY person of the opposite sex.

Well? Bisexuals won't be turned on by EVERY person of either sex, and some people are more picky than others. And, some maybe -pickier- with one gender than another.

So the whole "I'm straight other than this ONE person, or ONE experience" doesn't fly for me. It just means that the person is WAY more picky to that one gender than to the other.

Then again, I see sexuality as a spectrum and I really think it is pretty rare for people to be at the dead end of one side or the other. Even if there's just a smidge of leeway, the smidge is still there. (I'm guessing this is what you mean by sexual fluidity? I need to look up the term.)


2) For all intents and purposes? I'm bisexual. I -can- be attracted to and/or turned on by either gender. Doesn't mean I'm looking for anything or anyone more than what I have. I'm not.

It does not, nor would it, ever bother me for my partner to be bi. Bisexuality is not a license to be promiscuous. It simply means chicks have been an option while that person was single.

Gideon's bi. Chicks are NOT an option. Not because he's no longer bi.... but because he's now committed to me.

[Gideon]

*Glances to the post above with a grin*

Yeah. What he said

[rado84]

Being bi means the ability to appreciate human's beauty in any shape, character and/or gender. I know some people would put sexual desire first but in order to feel that, one must first like the other guy and when that happens, sexual attraction is only natural effect of liking the guy.

I don't know whether I explained my definition of bisexuality well enough but I can't explain it any better.

[RUoutthere]

I have separate understandings for sex and meaningful intimate feelings for another person. No doubt they can be combined between two people. However, there are plenty of cases where only one of the two is attracted in both forms. I happen to have very clear attractions to certain guys sexually but not intimately. I also have very strong intimate feeling for women I know but not sexual feelings.

Since the term in bi-SEXUAL, it leads me to believe it pertains to the ability to engage willfully in sexual activity with both males and females. Some have engaged not willingly for various reasons. I do not think that makes them bisexual.

[JohnSomebody]

I've been in relationships with women prior to coming out as a gay man and I've even been engaged to one during that time as well. Throughout my life as a gay man...I have been approached by men whom are attracted to both sexes but the thing with that is that the majority that I've come across have hidden their attraction to men from the women that they are involved with and want to keep that attraction on the down low. I was in this long term relationship with a high corporate bigwig that was well accomplished and well known throughout the business industry. To my surprise...we wound up in this relationship which I never seen coming and it was kept secret the majority of the years that we were together due to his status which I had no problem with because I tend to be a pretty private individual anyway. I remember when the relationship ended which was my fault because I was not ready to make the major move that he proposed to me at that time and yet...I feel that in the end ...my decision was actually a blessing in disguise because he moved away and eventually married a woman which he felt was an appropriate move because of his high profile status. Several months after his engagement was publicly announced...he contacted me about a future visit to town he was scheduled for and wanted me to have dinner with him and his fiance which he insisted she was looking forward to meeting me because he talked about me so much. Reluctantly, I met with them and as soon as I entered the restaurant...I felt his fiance eyes upon me as if she was shooting daggers at me and hoping I would fall dead right there. Once dinner got underway...my ex excused himself to go to the restroom and immediately...this bitch went on to inform me that she knew all about me and that the only reason why she was inquisitive to meet me was to size me up and to let me know that he was all hers and to back off.

I found her threat to be insane and ridiculous due to the fact that I did not ever contact him after we broke up and since it was mentioned that he talked about me a lot and he was the one who reached out to me let me know that she was threatened by me and the effect that I obviously still had on him needless to say. Furthermore..he came to visit me before they left town to personally give me an invitation to their upcoming wedding. He also went on to inform me that if I had not ended the relationship between him and I that he would not be getting married which I also found to be a ridiculous remark as well. Therefore...once the big day arrived...I decided to cancel my trip to the wedding. However, a few days later...I received a call from one of his very close business confidants who were aware of our relationship and he told me that my ex was standing at the entrance of the church staring at the doors ...hoping I would appear and he even delayed the start of the wedding waiting on my appearance which never happened. Afterwards, this guy said that my ex took him into a private area and told him that if I had showed up that he would have not continued on with the wedding. Even still...I felt I made the right decision for me. I've heard that in recent years that they have divorced and I assume that this was resulted in him being attracted to men which she was well aware of but more than likely she stayed in the relationship because she loved the lifestyle that she had and she probably felt that she could change him eventually from having feelings to be with men. With all of this being said and I apologize for being so long winded with this which was honestly not my intent..but I cannot be with a guy who is bisexual because when I fall in love with someone ...I am in love with them totally and I want them to feel the same for me. In other words...I am not cool with the possibility of sharing my man with someone else yet alone another woman.

[Gideon]

John....if someone is using being bisexual as an excuse to cheat, it's bullshit.
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to gender, but I am -with- Twist, I am -in love- with Twist.

Hooking up with a girl is NOT okay, hooking up with a guy is NOT okay.

The idea that being bisexual gives you the right to still mess around with a girl is as ridiculous as thinking that just because you're gay, you're attracted to EVERY man in the universe.

[jaxc]

My personal definition of "bi" is that you KNOW you are attracted physically and/or emotionally to both men and women. To what degree that your attracted to which gender, or preferences or whatever, varies from person to person and sometimes the balance changes or shifts more towards one or the other, but that attraction to the other gender still exists to one degree or another.

[TigerLover]

I define Bisexuality as being sexually attracted to both genders.
I expect that most people are capable of loving members of both genders. We fall in love with people not genitals.
Plus in my opinion the thing that transforms friendship into romantic love is the passion of lovers.

Having said that I am only 22, I haven't exactly got a wealth of romantic experience to draw upon.