Okay to chat with other guys?

[MiamiMIke]

I'm in a fairly new relationship, my partner moved in with me after one year of going at it long distance. I'm no longer on SCRUFF or other gay social media sites however I occasionally get text messages from guys that I've chatted with. Most of them know I'm in a relationship and our conversations are completely platonic and general in nature. We talk about work, life, etc.

I've noticed it bothers my partner when I get one of these texts, he's not at all comfortable with it. It's gotten to the point where I feel sort of paranoid about it. I don't want him to freak out but at the same time I don't want to be kept in a bubble. I don't think it's right to disconnect myself from the world when I'm in a relationship. I get anxiety now when I get a text like that and he's close by.

I talked to him about it last night when it happened. I know he's trying to keep his cool about it and not let it bother him as I've discussed how I felt with him before.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I be cutting off ties with people? That's seems very 7th grade to me. "Um excuse me but I have a boyfriend now so I can't talk to you." (say it like a valley girl)

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

Mike

[East]

Communication...and compromise...both keys to any good relationship.....

So...my advice..try talking about it openly and honestly..and encourage him to figure out what exactly it is that bothers him. Sometimes...people might not even know really until they start to talk about it....

I have found over and over again when people are insecure or jealous..they might be projecting their own feelings about other men on you..and assume you are feeling that same things they do....

Maybe they don't act on these feelings...but if they have an inner slut raging inside of them...they might assume everyone else does as well.....and your pleas of innocence will go unheard...

It is way more common than anyone realizes...and most people do NOT want to discuss it...

I have sat with guys over the years and forced them to deconstruct their jealousy....I consider it as having done them a huge favor....

I think once a situation has been discussed with honesty ...then compromise can occur....but if there is dishonesty..compromise won't really matter....

Good Luck...and BTW..Welcome to GS!

[LJay]

Your boyfriend sounds manipulative and controlling. He needs to feel secure in your relationship and you both need to know that having platonic friends is a good thing. Maybe sharing a few of these messages and replies might be helpful, but you should not give him veto power over your life.

[ShiftyNJ]

I'm a lot more social than my boyfriend although he's working on it. I have a lot of friends he's never met, and for the most part he doesn't question my company or whereabouts. I agree that if you show him some messages and don't act secretive, he should get a stronger sense of security as long as, like [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] wisely suggests, this isn't a harbinger of something else. However, you should be allowed to have friendships and conversations of your own, so if he continues to act this way you may need to assert the fact that you're still an adult who thus far has given no reason to be under surveillance.

[Virge]

[MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] hit it dead on .. NEVER underrate communication and compromise.

Then we took another road about social media.....

We got out of all of it, even facebook four years ago except for Skyping with each other before he moved here. 99% of our Skype time we were always just talking, one of us going to bed or the other waking up.

We quit them all because of stalkers and DRAMA.... and because I never wanted him to be suspicious of anything I was doing... then he decided to do the same thing.

I've got this account, gay.com and outnation (very boring) He has the passwords for all of them.......... and I NEVER empty any mailboxes or archives... I leave that to him. I invite him to check up on me if he feels the need.

[Anocxu]

Your boyfriend's perspective. .

You are are actively conversing with guys that you met on a hookup app?

I mean honestly. ..
They are not your friends..
They are guys that were / or still interested in you on some level ..

You could simplify this..
Hand him your phone..
Tell him these guys are acquaintances

[Noema]

I watch this struggle between my brother and [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION] sometimes.

It can be an immaturity thing. That "7th grade" thing.
It can be an insecurity thing.
Or it can be a manipulation thing.
Or it can be a setting things up for an abusive relationship thing.

Or... it can be that he recognizes how desirable you are to other people, and just doesn't want to lose you.

@Twist never sees how desirable he is to others, and Gideon is hyper-aware of it. When Gideon sometimes gets tense about him talking with others, socializing, etc, Twist soothes him and makes sure he knows how important he is, but he still socializes. He still talks to others, and he doesn't hide it from Gideon either. It's a balancing act that involves a lot of communication to accomplish.

I think that with anyone in a relationship with a possessive partner, they are going to run into this problem now and then. Just make sure there's good communication, and it's not going to turn into something unhealthy.

[MiamiMIke]

Thanks everyone for their advice. My previous relationship of almost 10 years was open during the last six years. I don't have an issue with monogamy but he thinks I do apparently. He thinks that one day I'll ask him to be open. I think this is fueling his insecurity. Trying real hard to work on all of this.

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] Just to follow-up on your response. That's exactly how he feels, that how could I possibly be friends with someone I met on a hook up app? Since I was 14 years old I've been making friends "electronically." I even used to run a bulletin board system in the 80's. It's a techy thing, something I'm very used to and normal for me as an IT guy.

[MiamiMIke]

Well it's over. I thank everyone for their advice. We broke up, the insecurity was rather incredible.

[Alehksh]

I'm very sorry to hear that.