my mother makes me feel terrible

[TwisttheLeaf]

It's time to move out. Get yourself a job and find yourself an apartment, and a roommate if you need one to make the rent.

You can make as many excuses as you want, man. But at 16 I emancipated from my parents and moved out on my own. I've been on my own since and put myself through highschool and into university while supporting myself (sometimes with a roommate, sometimes without).

So, with that history in my past? To me, any excuses you make that you can't move out on your own are just that. Excuses. Excuses that are probably created by either your fear, or by laziness. Either way? It still sounds like it's time to get yourself a job, and move out. You don't need to "save up" a nest egg to move out, you need a steady job and a landlord.

[Anonymous]

No. His 'point' is that he wants to whine about his mother and not take personal responsibility. He's looking for sympathy.

I do not want sympathy else I wouldn't have gone to the advice section of the forum which isn't for sympathy but for advice.

Your odds of changing your relationship with your mother seem to be about nil. Given this, you have two options.

1. Continue living with her, and just do your best to avoid setting her off.
2. Move out.

As you're finding out, number 1 is getting extremely difficult to do. (If she's going to freak out about you not making gravy for yourself, she's going to freak out about pretty much anything.) This means option 2 is going to start looming larger. I'd say it's time to start investigating your options within option 2.

Lex

there are some questions and problems with moving out though, I will talk about that at the end of the post seeing as how allot of people mentioned this which does mean it is the best solution.

I think it's more a question of coming up with a practical solution or some practical answers.

Ok, so the odds do seem to be against our original poster, since he's not financially independent yet, and he doesn't have many places where he could go.

Are there social programmes in the Netherlands for young gay people who are thrown out of their houses? Maybe you should try to see if there is a local help group for people who are gay and who are thrown out of their house by their parents. I know you may not qualify on account of being a little too old, but maybe you could at least find someone to talk to who can find some practical solutions for you and maybe for your boyfriend at the same time. I suppose there is also the doctor that you could talk to, or if you have had some interaction with a therapist, then you could tell them about this too. Maybe they could have that talk with your mum?

I think, somehow, she's seeing you growing up, and she's scared of seeing you leave the house. She may even be worried that you won't be able to fend for yourself, but she's not helping. She needs to hear from someone that you are growing into an adult and that you need to take your freedom.

It sounds as if your mother knows you're gay and she doesn't seem to mind? Am I right to think this?

I will search if such a program exists even though I'm not being thrown out of my house. I actually have someone visiting me every week who has understanding of autism and living on your own, he is in fact teaching me what is necessary and what I need to do to live on my own, and he has talked with my mother however she was kinda too stubborn to change her mind or see the flaws of what she does.

she's always seen me as extremely vulnerable due to autism, before the discovery of autism she wasn't this bad.

I'm actually not sure, she says she's ok, though she also said she would have never accepted it and would've kicked me out of the house if I were a ''flamboyant'' homosexual, furthermore when my the guy I'm meeting came to my house and we gave each other a goodbye hug and kiss i nfront of the door she got mad at me and for several days she kept telling me I shouldn't do it in public and it confuses, because does she say it because she's being protective? or does she say it because she's ashamed of it? I truly don't know.

This is an extremely tough situation to be in. I'm sorry that your own mother treats you so poorly. I know what it's like to have a close family member be abusive, especially one that's tasked with raising you. That being said, I'd suggest sticking up for yourself. Becoming financially independent is obviously an ideal and necessary option, but until such time you have to find a way to hold your ground. If you have people that care about you, seek out living arrangements with them.

honestly I feel kinda iffy about my entire family, my mother I already explained, my brother lives with my father and they have constant fights and both are the opposite of me, as in, I'm extremely calm and don't like talking to people and they're always busy and active and such, that leaves my sister which has her own family but she doesn't really care about anyone except her own personal little family.

I am searching for a job everyday, as am I looking at houses to rent but the vast majority are just to expensive for me unfortunately.

Move out. I've been in a similar situation to this and the only way to stop it from happening is to physically remove yourself from the situation.

Don't be cruel to your mother though. It might seem strange but sometimes this extreme form of controlling behaviour stems from a frustrated sense of love. She may not even realise she is doing it and might think she is trying to protect or care for you in some way.

Realistically though you can't live your life with somebody treating you that way. Move out, be kind to your mother whilst you do it and be kind to her after you've done it. Don't let her convince you she will change as people rarely do.

Good luck.

It's time to move out. Get yourself a job and find yourself an apartment, and a roommate if you need one to make the rent.

You can make as many excuses as you want, man. But at 16 I emancipated from my parents and moved out on my own. I've been on my own since and put myself through highschool and into university while supporting myself (sometimes with a roommate, sometimes without).

So, with that history in my past? To me, any excuses you make that you can't move out on your own are just that. Excuses. Excuses that are probably created by either your fear, or by laziness. Either way? It still sounds like it's time to get yourself a job, and move out. You don't need to "save up" a nest egg to move out, you need a steady job and a landlord.

the following response is to ''TwisttheLeaf'', ''darren23a'' and ''Lexington'' about living on my own + job

I'm looking for a job everyday but my autism is limiting what jobs I can accept, furthermore I'm registered to 2 companies which are are searching for jobs for me as well for several months now but no job can honestly be found, I'm not trying to find excuses as allot of jobs I honestly cannot do due to autism, I've tried a couple, with some I became so anxious I just couldn't do anything any more, with some I started hitting my head because of all the sounds everywhere, I honestly have tried and as far as I can tell this is not an excuse as I don't know in what other way to get a job quickly.

and about moving out:

it's clear from all the reactions that this is the best course of action to solve the problem, however how should treat or talk to my mother when I do move out is different, as in some say be respectful, others say remove her out of my life basically and such, so my question is, what should I really do? still have contact by phone? let her come over some time? go to her place some times? just erase her form my life? though that does seem somewhat extreme.

I apologize if it seems like I'm making any excuses but I'm just not very knowledgeable of everything in the world.

I also apologize if I missed someone's reply

[princealbertofb]

Dank je wel, Anonymous, voor je antwoorden.

[princealbertofb]

I was very drunk last night. I am sorry. I was probably just trying to be offensive, which I try not to do when I am sober. I mean I was just being an asshole. I am sorry, James. I'm not sorry to OnTheBeach, though, since he didn't really say anything useful at all and if he lives on a beach, I'm sure nothing I say could offend him anyway. At least James talked about his own experiences. Maybe it is useful to advise someone to put things into perspective. I do hate the phrase 'man up' though. If there is any sort of bravery or virtuosity that is unique to adult males, I haven't seen it.

@himself, I like it when you become a 'thinking' man.... :biggrin: Do more of it. lol.

[princealbertofb]

and about moving out:

it's clear from all the reactions that this is the best course of action to solve the problem, however how should treat or talk to my mother when I do move out is different, as in some say be respectful, others say remove her out of my life basically and such, so my question is, what should I really do? still have contact by phone? let her come over some time? go to her place some times? just erase her form my life? though that does seem somewhat extreme.

I apologize if it seems like I'm making any excuses but I'm just not very knowledgeable of everything in the world.

I also apologize if I missed someone's reply

I see that the idea of moving out has now grown in your head, and that's probably a good thing. I really think you should try to see with organisations, as I suggested, which could maybe help you (socially) to transition from your family home to your own home, rented by you once you get a job. This is why I suggested such organisations as those who house teenagers who are in trouble with their parents. I know your mother is not throwing you out, but for the moment you can't really afford to take a place on your own. My suggestion is to find that organisation that can help you with the transition.

I know of Joseph (once a member on here) who has learning difficulties. His mother wasn't abusive with him and he has a nice couple of sisters, but he was able to move out to assisted accomodation because he was becoming too old to remain at home with his mum. I believe this was a great move for him, even though he found it hard at first. He has since found himself a boyfriend too.

Does your autism give you any rights to that type of social programme, I wonder? See a social worker about it.

As for how to treat your mother, let her see that you are not incapable of living on your own, and growing up. Find the association or organisation first that will help you with the transition then tell her how it's going to be; There's no reason why she shouldn't visit you, or you shouldn't visit her. Her attitude might change completely when she finally realises that she isn't your boss, nor needs to be there for you 100%. What do you think? Do you wish to continue seeing your mother? Do you need a break from seeing her? You can always phone or text to keep in touch. It all depends on how far from your current home you'll live.

[James]

Just sounds like someone who is afraid of taking responsibility, dealt with many, Man up means, Take responsibility, afraid she will hit you? Afraid of life? give us more to deal with. if you need too, what you show is the answers you get, jIM

[BabyPolarBear]

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Leara: "Ive be studing transformer my entire life, my mother hid them from me"
Shepperd: "WOW really FUCK your mother! i know i did

[Darius]

When giving advice, guys, remember that the OP has autism. Interacting with others socially and communication are big deals. So, telling someone to man up or just move out, could be unreasonable advice. If the OP is high functioning, he could very well make changes in his life leading to independence, but only he knows that. There are therapies and therapists who deal exclusively with those with autism spectrum disorders. The OP needs to work with one of them to head into a healthier life for himself. His mother might sound toxic to us, but we dare not be too glib in giving advice that might not be appropriate for someone with his challenges.

[East]

When giving advice, guys, remember that the OP has autism. Interacting with others socially and communication are big deals. So, telling someone to man up or just move out, could be unreasonable advice. If the OP is high functioning, he could very well make changes in his life leading to independence, but only he knows that. There are therapies and therapists who deal exclusively with those with autism spectrum disorders. The OP needs to work with one of them to head into a healthier life for himself. His mother might sound toxic to us, but we dare not be too glib in giving advice that might not be appropriate for someone with his challenges.

A good reminder. I hadn't even considered that part when I gave advice and not knowing alot about autism...., I am not sure I would have given any different advice. Now that I know there are special circumstances..I will think twice in the future and try to remember that there are different challenges...

[SilverBullet]

OP. after reading everything I would just like to say I feel kinda bad your in your position .
The best thing to do I believe is
1. Talk to her about it
if that doesn't work
2. move out if and when possible

I would only cut off contact with her if that's what SHE wants, otherwise, she is your mom and being a butt is not deserving of "washing your hands of her" . It sounds like good advise until something happens to her, then you will feel terrible.