Porn

[Anocxu]

Out of curiosity I went on his computer to see what type of porn he liked to watch, thinking I could up my game with him in the sex dept. And, yes, I checked out his internet history (bad I know but curiosity turned into wanting to get some answers -- was I not satisfying him sexually, was he not attracted to me physically anymore?).

*So did the guys in the porn look anything like you?

*How did they compare in age, build, race, height and weight?

*Did any of the guys in those vids look like him?

*If a guy in a video looked like him .. what was the actor's sexual role?
(I'll explain after you reply)

Well, turns out that almost every single time he wasn't in the mood to have sex with me he ended up logging on to a porn site (sometimes within minutes of me leaving) ... and spending about 2-3 hours watching vids. And this was going on just about every other day.

I will not reply to this after you answer these questions..

*How often do you see each other?

*How long are your phone calls when you two talk?

*Who calls more ?

*How is the relationship outside the bedroom?

*Is he there for you when you need him?.. Or do you have to struggle a bit to get his attention?

In fact, the whole week i was staying with him we didn't have sex once ...

*The week you stayed with him..
How did you two get along..Outside the bedroom ?

*Were things a bit awkward?
Was he disconnected?

I did confront him about this (and yeah he wasn't too happy about the snooping) but I told him I felt very confused and hurt that he'd rather jerk off that have sex with me. He went into all sorts of explanations and justifications (we have different schedules, we both have physically demanding jobs, etc.) and I totally get that, but in the end I feel that he's more in tuned to his own self-pleasure and that he has too many barriers up in order to be truly intimate with me, his boyfriend. "I'm just not into having sex all the time," he told me.

I understand here that you are confusing his porn addiction with not having sex with you.

Please understand porn addiction in relationship to having sex are worlds apart.
His porn addiction (in his mind ) could be the equivalent of "Alone time"

In your mind You're thinking. Why doesn't he just f#!k me?... (it gets deeper)
(Very complex ...I know)

So i'm at the point at which I have no idea how to proceed. There are other issues in our relationship that I've struggled with and this, unfortunately, confirms my feeling that he's a bit narcissistic and self-involved to really be in a relationship.

Tell us about those issues!
They are directly related to what's going on in the bedroom.

A long winded post is the least of your issues.

I asked specific questions for a number of reasons.
As a group we are able to get a better Idea of what's going on .

The information you have given is just about your sex life.. or things that are Not happening.

When I told him that I was unhappy with the way things were going with our lack of sex and how this was troubling to our relationship he replied that he didn't feel there was anything wrong with it and that he'd been pretty happy with our relationship.

See .. This is quite revealing of a one sided relationship.

Also reveals you are equating the status of your relationship to the bedroom Or ..has your sex life just died all together?

So you're in a relationship with a complex guy huh?

Hopefully the other guys here will jump in..
But please tell us more.. it will help you get better answers.

[MikeW]

I'm actually going through this with my own boyfriend. We've been together almost 2 years and I know he likes to jerk off but I've discovered lately, say over the past 8-9months, that he seems to be more interested in masturbating than having sex with me....
... I'm still trying to wrap my head around it but ultimately it feels like my feelings and my needs are not being taken into account along with his. So that's my perspective. BTW, any advice/wisdom would be appreciated!

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] has asked several good, relevant questions that might help us understand the situation. He also couches the problem as being an addiction, and it does sound that way. Guys get used to jerking off, especially these days with so much porn available. Always looking for something "new" that pushes them over the edge, that "fits" with certain repetitive fantasies, and so on. Where jerking off is usually a solitary experience where one is in total control, sex is a very different experience involving someone else's desires and needs.

From what you say it sounds like your BF is very self-involved. He's getting his needs met and is fine with your relationship as it is; you're obviously not. You've not told us why you're together, what you (both) get out of that shared part of your lives.

You've also not explained what you learned so far as his porn preferences are concerned, where you fit in with that (if at all).

Generally, my recommendation in a situation like this is for you to suggest watching porn with him and jerking off together, seeing if that leads to anything more than mutual self-pleasuring. It would be interesting to know if he's even open to this. If not, if he prefers to keep his jerking off to something solitary, then there is a real question about what's going on inside him. Is it just habit? Is it some unspoken fear of intimacy through sex? Does he know? Does he care? What purpose do you serve in his sexual world? Why is it he's not aware of or interested in your own needs and desires? I don't ask these questions for you to answer them here, but they are worth thinking about and possibly discussing with him. What is this all about for him? Does he know? Is it an issue he's concerned about at all?

Ultimately you have to decide what you can live with in a relationship and what you can't. If you're not getting the amount and kind of attention you feel you desire and need then you have to make a choice. I don't see any way around it.

[Rod]

I think the idea of porn in a relationship can make someone superficial.

Suddenly X partner wants his Y partner to look and behave the way Z model looks and behaves in a porno. Suddenly X partner wants more sex rather than being satisfied with what is being given to him out of sheer love. BUT- that being said, if both partners are watching together and are in a mutual agreement that they want to be more like the men in the porn than i think thats healthy. Until the water sports begin---then GGWP

[Anocxu]

I think the idea of porn in a relationship can make someone superficial.

Suddenly X partner wants his Y partner to look and behave the way Z model looks and behaves in a porno. Suddenly X partner wants more sex rather than being satisfied with what is being given to him out of sheer love. BUT- that being said, if both partners are watching together and are in a mutual agreement that they want to be more like the men in the porn than i think thats healthy. Until the water sports begin---then GGWP

Bingo!

I have seen this..
I have lived this..

[Anocxu]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]
You and I have seen so many threads ..
The opening poster is toppled by one issue in his relationship...
Then it turns out that issue is related to another issue that he his unaware of...

The reason I bugged the poor guy with so many questions.. was for all of us to get a good look into his relationship in order to help him get to the bottom of the things .

I kinda feel awful that he's sifting through scenarios..
I know how awful that can be.
(Nice to see you Mike)

[Cobalt]

Backrum, I wouldn't consider this thread hijacking really. Thread hijacking would be taking this thread and turning it into a discussion about trains. That, I would have a problem with.

Without reading the responses others have put so far (which I usually don't read others posts until after I've done mine, this way I don't worry about stepping on toes or saying things already said, I want to keep my point of view genuine and personal) I'll give my two cents.

First, please don't take what I say as the end-all-be-all for anything. I don't know your situation well enough nor do I know the type of relationship you have, I'm not judging any of that, I'm only responding based off of the face value of what I read.

It sounds to me like your partner can summed up with the word: selfish. That's how I could take it but I'm not sure that's the whole story. Here's what I have a problem with:
-He says he's too tired/not interested in sex yet (presumably) jacks off the minute you leave? And for hours on end no less? That doesn't seem like someone who is not interested in sex. It sounds like someone who is not interested in sex with you. Why he's like that I don't know. Does he find you boring in bed? Does he ask you to do things in bed that you refuse to? Is there a history of cheating between either of you? Have you done/said something in the past that's really driven a rift between the two of you?
-I think you definitely had a reason to want to know what's going on with him, but "breaking in" to his computer history/etc. isn't the way to do it. All that does is violate his trust in you and piss him off. Next time, please just have a conversation and ask. If he doesn't tell the truth or lies, he's only doing himself a disservice. If that's the case, you're with a liar and someone who is not willing to open up to you in a relationship. Would you want to be in a relationship with either?
-You may have well just summed him up really well when you said you feel he's a narcissist and someone who isn't ready for a relationship. If that's what the little voice in your head is telling you: listen to it. By all means, try and talk to him and work things out of course. But, if he's a true narcissist, what he says will not be true and he's only interested in protecting his own personal interests. Basically if he's a true narcissist: a conversation with lead you nowhere.
-You said your feelings and your needs aren't being met. This is the biggest problem, for me. If you're not happy in a relationship, work on what's broken. If the other partner is unwilling to help fix things, it's time to call it quits. There's a lot of potential partners out there in the world, it's hard to find them sure but they're out there. Don't settle for someone who doesn't satisfy you. Find the one who does.

My biggest piece of advise: listen. Have a conversation with your partner about all of this and be open and honest. Tell him exactly how you feel. During the conversation listen to him and listen to yourself. Do you believe what he's saying? Is the voice in your head detecting true sincerity? Does he have good explanations for his actions? If you don't feel like a good conversation helped things at all, then you might need to consider if this relationship is right for you.

[buckrum]

Thanks for the input, guys.

Anocxu, I'll try and answer what I can regarding your questions for more clarity.

Porn
No, the guys in the porn he watches run the gamut of body types, but they do tend to be Caucasian (I'm mixed race). They tend to focus around gloryholes, "straight" guys, and usually straight sex (2/3 guys, 1 girl).

Before I moved into the same apt bldg (another long story), we'd see each other 2/3 times a week. We've gone away on long weekends and have spent more than a week together alone traveling. He tends to call me more and they last anywhere from 10 minutes up to a couple of hours, usually when he gets off work at night.

Outside the bedroom ... depends. I'd say 80% of the time it's great. We have very similar interests, just different tastes and sometimes those differences cause minor & major blow ups. He is there for me but sometimes I do struggle keeping his attention (he doesn't seem to understand that he doesn't need to be on his cell all the time.)

The week I stayed with him ...
This was the first time we spent together where we were both working full schedules so we only really saw each other late at night. He seemed distracted, but I chalked that up to his schedule being screwy with me there. We had one big disagreement but things weren't really awkward.

Addiction
The more I think about it it does seem like he's addicted to porn ... Regardless, it doesn't seem like he's willing to do anything about it while our relationship seems to be floundering.

Other issues
He can be an asshole when he wants to be. He can treat salespeople and other service industry folk like crap ... And he's not above lording his education and professional success over others if he thinks he can score points, including me. I've noticed over the past 2 years that he can't really claim responsibility for his actions, can't really acknowledge whether he's done something wrong. I've numerous examples.

Early on when we were first dating I noticed that he leered at other guys when he was with me. Didn't bother me at first, just felt it was kind of rude. And I'm not talking just checking guys out in a subtle way, I'm talking about out and out staring at a guy., so much so that the other guy looks uncomfortable and even confronts him with a "what do you want?" When I told him that I felt he was being disrespectful he became very defensive and said I was being insecure, that he was staring at all sorts of different things (cars, buildings, etc). I called him out on it and it wasn't till his own sister said he checked out guys more than she did that he made an effort to be less obvious.

I can go on ... But, again, it's really only 20% of the time that he acts like this. The other 80 he can be caring, affectionate, playful ... The perfect boyfriend. A lot of that I can deal with ... It's this porn addiction and lack of sex that's worrisome.

[buckrum]

*So did the guys in the porn look anything like you?
*How did they compare in age, build, race, height and weight?
*Did any of the guys in those vids look like him?
*If a guy in a video looked like him .. what was the actor's sexual role?

His taste in porn seems pretty varied, lots of different body types, mostly with Caucasians (I'm mixed race) but there were a few running motifs ... guys with big dicks, gloryholes with big dicks, straight guys with big dicks, etc.

*How often do you see each other?
*How long are your phone calls when you two talk?
*Who calls more ?
*How is the relationship outside the bedroom?
*Is he there for you when you need him?.. Or do you have to struggle a bit to get his ...

Before I moved next door to him (yes, another long story) we would see each other about 2/3 times a week. We've gone on long weekend getaways and spent a week together road-tripping up the coast. He usually calls me more when he gets off work.

[buckrum]

*So did the guys in the porn look anything like you?

*How did they compare in age, build, race, height and weight?

*Did any of the guys in those vids look like him?

*If a guy in a video looked like him .. what was the actor's sexual role?
(I'll explain after you reply)

I will not reply to this after you answer these questions..

*How often do you see each other?

*How long are your phone calls when you two talk?

*Who calls more ?

*How is the relationship outside the bedroom?

*Is he there for you when you need him?.. Or do you have to struggle a bit to get his attention?

*The week you stayed with him..
How did you two get along..Outside the bedroom ?

*Were things a bit awkward?
Was he disconnected?



I understand here that you are confusing his porn addiction with not having sex with you.

Please understand porn addiction in relationship to having sex are worlds apart.
His porn addiction (in his mind ) could be the equivalent of "Alone time"

In your mind You're thinking. Why doesn't he just f#!k me?... (it gets deeper)
(Very complex ...I know)



Tell us about those issues!
They are directly related to what's going on in the bedroom.

A long winded post is the least of your issues.

I asked specific questions for a number of reasons.
As a group we are able to get a better Idea of what's going on .

The information you have given is just about your sex life.. or things that are Not happening.



See .. This is quite revealing of a one sided relationship.

Also reveals you are equating the status of your relationship to the bedroom Or ..has your sex life just died all together?

So you're in a relationship with a complex guy huh?

Hopefully the other guys here will jump in..
But please tell us more.. it will help you get better answers.

++No, not really. Pretty wide-range of body types, mainly Caucasian (I'm mixed race) but some common motifs ... guys w/big dicks, amateur glory hole, voyeurism, straight-ish guys, straight sex

++Before I moved next door to him (another long story) we would see each other about 2/3 times a week, mostly 2. We've spent longer with each other on weekend getaways, holidays, etc. Phone calls vary anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. He actually would call me quite a bit.

++ "How's the relationship outside the bedroom?" I'd say overall I do tend to have a good, easy fun time with him. We have similar interests, just different tastes ... and we both are pretty strong willed and stubborn which sometimes that can lead to a few heated discussions and blow-ups. He is there for me, i'll give him that. He's been very supportive on a level i'd liken to a good friend being there for you in a time of need. Sometimes, though, I find myself trying to keep his attention; he's quite distracted by life in general.

++We got along okay. This was during a period when we were both very stressed out at work and with other personal stuff going on, not to mention that it was the first time we spent together when we were both working so our living apart routines were upended. He seemed very distracted but I felt like I was kind of "off" myself.

++Issues? He can be an asshole sometimes. He can be selfish, arrogant and plain rude to others and myself. Of course he's not like this all the time (why would I stay with him) and he has learned by now that there are certain things that he does that piss me off and I've noticed he's tried to curb certain behaviors. I'd say 90% of the time he's a great boyfriend; it's the other 10% that i'm trying to live with and reconcile myself to (is it worth it? etc.). Over the past two years one character flaw stands out ... he doesn't accept responsibility for things he's said or done that I found disrespectful or inconsiderate. We've talked about these things and it usually comes down to him becoming defensive and deflecting. There's really no accountability on his part. His reasoning is pretty much ... "I don't think I've done/said anything wrong," or "You just don't understand my point of view or perspective," or even my personal favorite, "I'm sorry you feel this way" (ie, "sorry, not sorry"). Even in regards to his porn watching ... one of his explanations was he'd been single for so long and this is how he unwinds. I can understand that, I just don't understand why he has to "unwind" 4/5 times a week even when he's just seen his boyfriend and rebuffed his advances.

*** Sorry, endless newbie mistakes, forgive me if this is posted twice

[buckrum]

[MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION] has asked several good, relevant questions that might help us understand the situation. He also couches the problem as being an addiction, and it does sound that way. Guys get used to jerking off, especially these days with so much porn available. Always looking for something "new" that pushes them over the edge, that "fits" with certain repetitive fantasies, and so on. Where jerking off is usually a solitary experience where one is in total control, sex is a very different experience involving someone else's desires and needs.

From what you say it sounds like your BF is very self-involved. He's getting his needs met and is fine with your relationship as it is; you're obviously not. You've not told us why you're together, what you (both) get out of that shared part of your lives.

You've also not explained what you learned so far as his porn preferences are concerned, where you fit in with that (if at all).

Generally, my recommendation in a situation like this is for you to suggest watching porn with him and jerking off together, seeing if that leads to anything more than mutual self-pleasuring. It would be interesting to know if he's even open to this. If not, if he prefers to keep his jerking off to something solitary, then there is a real question about what's going on inside him. Is it just habit? Is it some unspoken fear of intimacy through sex? Does he know? Does he care? What purpose do you serve in his sexual world? Why is it he's not aware of or interested in your own needs and desires? I don't ask these questions for you to answer them here, but they are worth thinking about and possibly discussing with him. What is this all about for him? Does he know? Is it an issue he's concerned about at all?

Ultimately you have to decide what you can live with in a relationship and what you can't. If you're not getting the amount and kind of attention you feel you desire and need then you have to make a choice. I don't see any way around it.

Like I mentioned in my reply to Anocxu, being with him is great a lot of the time. I've learned a lot about him and about myself during the time we've been together but I do know he has a few barriers up that he's trying to bring down for me. Trust seems to be a big issue with him. He's been burned a lot in the past, been taken advantage of so I've gone out of my way to really get him to open up to me (minus the internet snooping of course). I've put myself out on the line for him emotionally knowing that it may backfire and it's taken him a while to do the same.

As for the porn ... he introduced it once during sex but in a very off the cuff way and at the time it seemed like it was really for his own benefit (I knew about the porn for a while by then). I told him that if he wanted to re-introduce it, great! But I think my first response put him off (I wasn't exactly thrilled with straight porn) and, again, it did come off as something that he needed to get off.

I do like your questions tho in regards to where I fit in his sexual world. I guess that's the root of the problem. I'll bring it up with him next time we talk.

Thanks!