09-23-2015, 03:14 AM
I was going to post this anonymously, but what the hell's the point? I'm pretty sure that most of those who have been reading my posts over the time I've been here could easily pick me out. So....
Right.
So in October of 2014, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and on Halloween they took my left nut. I then went through the holidays -believing- I was okay and it was all over.
Come January, I was told that I would have to go into chemo, the cancer had spread into my lymph system. The doctors knew back in October, but never told me. (They couldn't do the chemo until I was fully recovered from the surgery, and apparently didn't think I should know so I could be financially prepared to take the hit to my income.)
So anyway. I went into a series of rigorous chemo treatments from January thru the end of March. The waiting begins as we waited for all the dead cancer markers to flush out of my system and then I could go in for tests and CT scans.
In May, those tests revealed that although the chemo did a good job, it didn't do a good -enough- job to get me out of going in for an RPLND (etroperitoneal lymph node dissection). This is a surgery where they open you up from the sternum to a few inches below the navel. They lift out the organs that are in the way (bowels, etc) and then remove your lymph system between groin and sternum that runs along the back of the body. They then put everything else back and close you up and you stay in the hospital about a week or so. The procedure was done at the end of May. Recovery is understandably very long (about 12 weeks).
My tests come back with my blood work back to normal and the doctors (all of them) assure me I am now cancer free. (Still have to be tested every 2 months, but still... cancer free.)
So, I'm now out of recovery a few months. I'm back to working, eating what I want, etc. Gideon and I are getting back into interactive storytelling (roleplay) again. Everything -should- be settling back into normal, yeah?
But... my brain can't seem to get back there. I can't seem to let go of the mentality that -this- is going to be my last day. Or this week will be my last week. Or this month is my last month. Nothing -feels- like it's back to normal, not really.
I was wondering if anyone has any experience and/or advice on how to find normal again. Somewhere inside where logic can't seem to reach, I can't seem to grasp and hold onto that it's done and over.
Right.
So in October of 2014, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and on Halloween they took my left nut. I then went through the holidays -believing- I was okay and it was all over.
Come January, I was told that I would have to go into chemo, the cancer had spread into my lymph system. The doctors knew back in October, but never told me. (They couldn't do the chemo until I was fully recovered from the surgery, and apparently didn't think I should know so I could be financially prepared to take the hit to my income.)
So anyway. I went into a series of rigorous chemo treatments from January thru the end of March. The waiting begins as we waited for all the dead cancer markers to flush out of my system and then I could go in for tests and CT scans.
In May, those tests revealed that although the chemo did a good job, it didn't do a good -enough- job to get me out of going in for an RPLND (etroperitoneal lymph node dissection). This is a surgery where they open you up from the sternum to a few inches below the navel. They lift out the organs that are in the way (bowels, etc) and then remove your lymph system between groin and sternum that runs along the back of the body. They then put everything else back and close you up and you stay in the hospital about a week or so. The procedure was done at the end of May. Recovery is understandably very long (about 12 weeks).
My tests come back with my blood work back to normal and the doctors (all of them) assure me I am now cancer free. (Still have to be tested every 2 months, but still... cancer free.)
So, I'm now out of recovery a few months. I'm back to working, eating what I want, etc. Gideon and I are getting back into interactive storytelling (roleplay) again. Everything -should- be settling back into normal, yeah?
But... my brain can't seem to get back there. I can't seem to let go of the mentality that -this- is going to be my last day. Or this week will be my last week. Or this month is my last month. Nothing -feels- like it's back to normal, not really.
I was wondering if anyone has any experience and/or advice on how to find normal again. Somewhere inside where logic can't seem to reach, I can't seem to grasp and hold onto that it's done and over.