I'm Not Going to Die

[TwisttheLeaf]

I was going to post this anonymously, but what the hell's the point? I'm pretty sure that most of those who have been reading my posts over the time I've been here could easily pick me out. So....

Right.

So in October of 2014, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and on Halloween they took my left nut. I then went through the holidays -believing- I was okay and it was all over.

Come January, I was told that I would have to go into chemo, the cancer had spread into my lymph system. The doctors knew back in October, but never told me. (They couldn't do the chemo until I was fully recovered from the surgery, and apparently didn't think I should know so I could be financially prepared to take the hit to my income.)

So anyway. I went into a series of rigorous chemo treatments from January thru the end of March. The waiting begins as we waited for all the dead cancer markers to flush out of my system and then I could go in for tests and CT scans.

In May, those tests revealed that although the chemo did a good job, it didn't do a good -enough- job to get me out of going in for an RPLND (etroperitoneal lymph node dissection). This is a surgery where they open you up from the sternum to a few inches below the navel. They lift out the organs that are in the way (bowels, etc) and then remove your lymph system between groin and sternum that runs along the back of the body. They then put everything else back and close you up and you stay in the hospital about a week or so. The procedure was done at the end of May. Recovery is understandably very long (about 12 weeks).

My tests come back with my blood work back to normal and the doctors (all of them) assure me I am now cancer free. (Still have to be tested every 2 months, but still... cancer free.)

So, I'm now out of recovery a few months. I'm back to working, eating what I want, etc. Gideon and I are getting back into interactive storytelling (roleplay) again. Everything -should- be settling back into normal, yeah?

But... my brain can't seem to get back there. I can't seem to let go of the mentality that -this- is going to be my last day. Or this week will be my last week. Or this month is my last month. Nothing -feels- like it's back to normal, not really.

I was wondering if anyone has any experience and/or advice on how to find normal again. Somewhere inside where logic can't seem to reach, I can't seem to grasp and hold onto that it's done and over.

[Gideon]

It was -alot- to go through, babe. Alot to process, alot to survive...and you have. You've fought through it all beautifully and you're here to tell your tale.

But you know what? You're NOT going to die, I refuse to let you go. I refuse and honestly? I can't do it, I can't be without you. I can't even let myself -consider- life without you.

So you're going to keep fighting, keep going, keep surviving and making me PROUD that you are mine. Proud that you are such a huge part of my life.

I love you man, and I think that feeling the way you feel is entirely normal. It's going to take awhile to get over that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. But you know, we all live our lives with the possibility that every day could be our last, so we have to live it to the fullest, love as hard as we can and just be happy to see the sun rise in the morning.

I love you. I believe in you. I need you.

Always.

[ShiftyNJ]

Wow. I wish I could think of one intelligent thing to say besides I'm glad you're still with us and the outlook is good. I won't pretend to have any useful advice, but I hope someone here does.

[ceez]

you two are my new favorite couple I also think it's normal to feel that way, it will just take time for everything to return to how it was before the cancer.

[MikeW]

No great words of wisdom [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION]. I haven't experienced anything like what you've gone through BUT, I have experienced periods of trauma. (The sudden death of my first partner, for example; the suicide of my best friend, for another.)

"Normal" is taking life for granted. When something comes along like this -- whether dodging a metaphorical bullet or the sudden untimely death of a loved one -- we're thrust into a completely different perspective. Life is fragile. Cancer or no cancer, NONE of us know for sure what's going to happen tomorrow. Chances are it will be very much like yesterday and the day before. But that is not guaranteed. It's more of an assumption than anything. In a way, being reminded of this is a blessing.

On one hand, whenever we come close to death (someone else or our own), we're changed in some way. Sobered. In that sense there is no going back to the "normal" of yesterday. OTOH, we are creatures of habit. We get used to things being a certain way and when they change, it takes time for us to 'catch-up' with the change... for a new routine to settle in that *feels* "normal" to us. Like after my first partner's death, I'm not sure how long it took... it was complicated... but I'd say at least 18 months, possibly longer.

You can't push the river. You're a cancer survivor. Take lots of deep breaths and continue to enjoy the beauty and wonder that is life. I'd say, don't ever take it for granted... but of course you will, eventually. We all do.

[Jettalove]

Firstly, so glad you’re better and through the worst of it.

I have 3 random thoughts, take them as you wish and I hope one of them might offer a helpful perspective.

1. It hasn’t been very long. In time, things will get more normal. Try to be patient with yourself.

2. What you went through is a life-changing event. Even though the medical part is (mostly) over, your life has forever been altered by what you went through. You faced the possibility of death, and the reality of sickness. This is an experience that most likely will never leave you completely. Maybe there is a way to see the positive in this? Maybe see it as a gift in a way, that you were forced to look at your life differently, that you now take things day by day, that you understand the fragility and importance of life in a way that many others can’t? That kind of perspective can be an amazing gift.

3. I had a traumatic experience about 9 years ago. It forever changed me and although it was horrible, at the same time, it was a gift and taught me so much about life. I see the indirectly positive ways it’s affected me all the time. So I did something to try and solidify the reality that it changed me: I got a tattoo. Few things in life would motivate me to get a tattoo, and this did. Everytime I look at it, I think of how I am different from who I was, and what I’ve learned.

[LONDONER]

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you have been through all of this and secondly, congratulations on being such a survivor. A positive attitude goes a long, long way to getting you though. I am sure that everyone on GS wishes you the best for your continued recovery and you know that we will all look forward to your continued posts.

[Cridders88]

I don't have much experience or advice for you Twist, but I just wanted to say I am glad the diagnosis is now good, but also I am sorry to hear you have had to go through this. But that is what you've done. Gone through it. To do that takes a strong person, just remember that. Stay strong xx

[Edward]

I'm glad you're still here and you're doing fine now. I've gone through cancer too, now I'm more than 10 years clean. This shit can come back anytime, every cancer patient has to be ready for that. Once it's in you, I doubt it ever goes fully away.

But - I'm not talking about you now - some people seem to think death will not touch them. We're all mortal and death will come sooner or later. When I went through all the horrible treatment, I just enjoyed every day and I never really though about dying. Enjoy the moments when you're here, feel good, have the person you love next to you. What else is necessary? You cannot change future so what's the point worrying about it?

The doctors knew back in October, but never told me.

Why? Isn't it their obligation to inform you about your health?

[Anocxu]

I am truly happy for and Gideon...

How do I say this without sounding like a crazy person...

@Twist
And Gideon...

'I love your love'

I have absolutely no intention to cry today..
So I am getting off this thread...
[MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION]
I owe you a public apology.

See...
I am as blind as a bat and I have a problem keeping contacts and glasses.
To make matters worse..
I keep posting from smartphones .. with tiny screens..

I have always addressed you as TwistedLeaf..

Just now ..holding up the phone .. 1/4 inch away from my face..
I realized .. well..
Your screen name is [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION]

So If you thought by any chance I was being a smart ass...
No..
I'm just blind and careless..

Hugs..
:-P