Dating a guy in the closet. HELP

[youngw27]

Hey everyone!

So 5 months ago i started seeing a man who is in the closet. He made it clear from the get go to not get attached to him. I did. So i was gonna end things with him but he confessed he loved me and wanted to be with me. That was over 2 months ago. So we've been exclusive to each other.
However, this is my first relationship with a man. I'm 20, he's 32. I love him and adore him and want to see him more. I normally see him once a week. We've actually only ever went on a 'date day' once. He planned it and we went for a long drive and went to tourist attractions. One of the best days ever.
He's your typical 'straight acting' guy. He plays football / soccer. He goes out drinking with all his friends. All his friends are homophobes, he is a bit himself; non accepting of himself.
I have bad anxiety and worry so much that he will just stop wanting me. And i feel unwanted because of how little i get to see him. Every free moment i get i want to see him. It's not like that for him. I just don't fit in his life. I love him so much but i cry nearly every day because i want to see him. I always ask to come to his to see him. He rarely asks me. I have decided not to ask him anymore and it's been a week and a half now since i've seen him. I miss him all the time and can't get him off my mind and i don't know if that's my anxieties playing up or he actually doesn't love me as much as he says he does.

I appreciate any advice,
Thanks,
youngw

[IanSaysHi]

Hi

Okay if it's your first 'relationship' then it's going to be producing some very intense feelings for you. However relationships should be about mutual trust, respect and building something together. I don't think you are going to get this from him. You need someone who makes you happy, confident and although relationships involve work, it shouldn't be a mission nor you having to make so many sacrifices to fit in around his life choices. There will be many guys out there who can offer you genuine happiness and won't ask you to compromise so much on your own happiness. I can understand why some guys stay in the closet but I just think it prevents true happiness, and affects you too.
He did say at the start not to get attached but we're all human and although we talk about responsibility, it's hard to stop our feelings. I just think you will need to make a call pretty quickly because you deserve more and the pain of ending it will be better in the long run than the pain of this relationship. Like I say, there are guys out there who will make you happier. Good luck dude.

[youngw27]

[MENTION=23058]IanSaysHi[/MENTION] I have been in one serious relationship before which was with a girl who I loved too for 2 years. But I think since this is my first relationship with a man, the feelings are still as strong. I've never felt more right being in love with a man who says he loves me lots too.
I do want to talk to him about how i'm feeling but i'm scared of scaring him off. He hates deep and serious talks. I've actually started taking medication again because of how bad my anxiety has gotten recently.
It's not healthy, but he is perfect to me. It doesn't help too that he works 5 days a week, 9-7. Then he plays football every tuesday, thursday and saturday. His brother also stays at his quite a lot. That's why it's so hard to see him.

Does anyone have any successful stories of dating a guy in the closet?

[Darius]

Everything he does and says does not bode well for him being a relationship person. Even if he does love you, it doesn't sound like he is willing to give you the place in his life that you want and deserve.
You don't want to continue this way for years, do you? I know it hurts, but better to deal with it honestly now instead of dying a slow death.

[MikeW]

So 5 months ago i started seeing a man who is in the closet.

Hi...

First off I strongly suggest you read what I replied in this thread: https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?goto...st&t=37956 It is a different situation but it is also similar.

Ok, so you're dating a 32yo man who isn't out and you're uncomfortable. Well, the question is, can you accept it AS IT IS? If you can't, if you're just too uncomfortable or frustrated with it as it is, then, as difficult as it may be, you have to do what is right for you.

Just be honest with yourself about what you really want. CAN you just have what you DO have with this guy and feel ok about it? CAN you at the same time continue to date other guys and let yourself have that experience? CAN you have a FWB with an older guy and still let yourself go on finding what YOU want and need? Either way is fine... either way can be difficult. Either way you're likely to experience emotional pain and upset.

So it is a question of acceptance of what is and a balance of emotion. Not getting overly invested in someone who isn't out. That's his problem and shouldn't be yours.

[VirgoMasquerade]

If you love something let it go... I think this guy needs some time to figure out himself and his life more before he jumps in dating another man. You need to remember it's not always about what's best for the other person but sometimes what's best for you, And right now I don't think he's in the best point of his life for you. I think you guys should stop dating and just be friends for now till he figures out what he wants ( friends over lover)

[Anocxu]

Hmm..
This "setup" is not ideal to nurture a healthy relationship... at all.

So many hurdles..
This is really a setup for ~>chaos.

So as hard as it is for you ..
You have to step back from this.

[CellarDweller]

Seems to me that right now he's got the best of both worlds.

He gets to be out with his straight friends, and then goes back to his closet and has you waiting for him.

As long as he is in the closet, and hanging out with homophobes you will never get the good treatment you deserve.

You deserve to be loved in the light, not hidden in the darkness. It's going to hurt for a bit, but it's time to realize you are worth so much more, and go find someone who will give it to you.

[East]

Define Love......

You say that you love him...what does love mean to you? How do you define love?

I know "love" is defined for all of us.... from so many sources...often conflicting...but none of that counts....

[Beaux]

Hey everyone!

So 5 months ago i started seeing a man who is in the closet. He made it clear from the get go to not get attached to him. I did. So i was gonna end things with him but he confessed he loved me and wanted to be with me. That was over 2 months ago. So we've been exclusive to each other.
However, this is my first relationship with a man. I'm 20, he's 32. I love him and adore him and want to see him more. I normally see him once a week. We've actually only ever went on a 'date day' once. He planned it and we went for a long drive and went to tourist attractions. One of the best days ever.
He's your typical 'straight acting' guy. He plays football / soccer. He goes out drinking with all his friends. All his friends are homophobes, he is a bit himself; non accepting of himself.
I have bad anxiety and worry so much that he will just stop wanting me. And i feel unwanted because of how little i get to see him. Every free moment i get i want to see him. It's not like that for him. I just don't fit in his life. I love him so much but i cry nearly every day because i want to see him. I always ask to come to his to see him. He rarely asks me. I have decided not to ask him anymore and it's been a week and a half now since i've seen him. I miss him all the time and can't get him off my mind and i don't know if that's my anxieties playing up or he actually doesn't love me as much as he says he does.

I appreciate any advice,
Thanks,
youngw

You know those dark, lonely nights you lay there thinking about him when he isn't returning your calls or text messages because he is out with his friends? That feeling of emptiness and fear of being alone? That is what it is like to love someone who is in the closet.

He is in the closet because he doesn't love himself. How the hell do you expect him to love you?

~Beaux