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[JeanC7755]

Hey, this is my first post on this site and I'm kind of looking for advice and such for my current relationship.

So first off, I guess I should give you background before I tell you about my current situation. So I'm 18 and I came out as gay last year and I am turning 19 in December. I am very masculine and in fact am planning to play college football. I am an INFJ personality (really am) and am really into history and politics. I have only been with a man in a relationship twice, one in which I was too youn and naive and my current relationship. With that said I would say, that my current relationship is very odd....

Long story short, I was going to Boston (from Texas, I live in Ft. Worth) this summer with my mom and we stopped in Columbus Ohio on our way there, and I couldn't resist checking out the guys in Ohio. So, I met a guy on there, and we hit it off big time. We were both really intellectual and he was immediately fascinated with me and how much I knew about history and he said that it was rare when he was with someone who could keep a good conversation with him. We then decided to keep talking when I went back home, and things slowly started to intensify.

We went for about a month just talking and telling each other sweet things without committing or talking about the future, then suddenly I felt because he was so emotional and seemed so into it, that I should try and tell him I love him. So I did, and he said it back and it felt amazing. We then talked about everyday about how to meet up, and how we were going to be married. He told me the sweetest nicest things I had ever been told, telling me that he was laying in bed thinking about how he loved me or that I was everything he could dream of and wouldn't want to spend his life with anyone else. He even said I was the most important person in his life. We even accepted to commit to each other and not take serious relationships outside us two, so basically he agreed to being my boyfriend.

But then this weekend, we kind of had a little fight (never happens) and he cut me off for a day. I then forced the bill and made him talk to me, and he completely took a U-turn from how he talked to me only the week before. Saying that, "it was fun", "I didn't expect it to work", "I need time to think things over, whether I want this to work or not". This hurt me really really really deeply, like seriously. I don't even know what to say about this type of thing, I don't understand how he can just change his feelings like that or if it was fake (which he says what he said was true). I feel that a break up is immenint.��

What makes me so sad is that he was so my type, like it's just terrible.

If there's any info I left out (probably did), just ask.

Btw, he is a few months older than me, and in college right now. I am a Senior in High School.

[IanSaysHi]

Sounds like he may have the brains, but not the emotional maturity. If he can change his mind about things so rapidly he either 1) didn't have the full feelings he said he had originally or 2) doesn't realise relationships have ups and downs and you work through things without suddenly deciding you don't like your partner as much anymore.
I'd have a frank discussion with him, and if he can't acknowledge that a relationship has ups and downs that need to be worked through, then I'd say he's not ready for one.

Best of luck

[LJay]

This is all happening by phone and text? He's in Ohio and you are in Texas?

[Cridders88]

I'm sorry if any of this sounds blunt, but to me it seems like this may have happened too quickly. Perhaps he mistook what he was feeling for you as love. Talking about marriage after a month (unless I read that wrong) when you have barely seen each other face to face, seems like he let his emotions run away with him. Now those strong initial feelings of lust have faded a little (they do with time), he perhaps has realised that's it's all been too quick and has therefore put the brakes on things a little. Lust can be confused as love- I may be wrong but I think this may be what's happened here.

The other alternative is exactly what Ian has said, he is not mature enough to realise that relationships take work from both sides and you guys are always going to have disagreements every now and then. If both sides are committed, you work through them. Sadly, it doesn't sound like he is committed

The only thing you can do is talk about it with him, that's the only real advice I can give you. Best of luck x

[JeanC7755]

This is all happening by phone and text? He's in Ohio and you are in Texas?

Yes, usually by phone, and face time.

[MikeW]

Hey, this is my first post on this site and I'm kind of looking for advice and such for my current relationship. ...

Welcome to the forum, Jean. I've quoted you a bit because usually the system emails a quoted reply. Otherwise you have to log back in to see the good responses you've gotten so far.

First about this forum. We get people who show up, ask a question as you have, and then we never see or hear from them again. One post wonders. Leaves us wondering, anyway. So some of us no longer feel inclined to offer long replies to people who haven't invested some of themselves into the forum... which simply means participating in other discussions besides your own problem. Putting in your own 2ç, getting to know us and such. This is a pretty cool group of people from all over the world, and all over the age demographic map. So... there's lots to be learned here, bit by bit. I invite you to just hang out with us in your spare time.

That said, the forum system is a bit odd. Until you have 50 posts it moderates you at random... holds back what you've written for moderation. So if that ever happens don't be surprised and don't take it personal.

Now to your problem....

I think it isn't at all unusual for people, especially young people such as yourself, to find their feelings changing rather quickly. What I'm saying here is, someone can tell you what their truth is and be totally sincere about it one day, and then another day it turns around and is something different. They are still being equally honest, if contradictory. If you don't now it yet, people ARE often contradictory.

As others have suggested, this is patly about "emotional maturity". I think it is VERY rare for someone near your age to have the emotional maturity of an adult. This isn't an "ageist" issue, me an old man make a judgement about young people. It's an observation based on understanding that people go through developmental phases. Adolescence doesn't end when we turn 20. In fact, I don't think most men even begin to "settle down" emotionally until they're in their mid 20s. That's a generalization and there are exceptions.

So... from my point of view, what you're talking about is NOT a "relationship". Ok, so you met someone (using a hook-up app? that part wasn't totally clear) and you and he had things in common and you became on-line friends and got into a "long distance" type "relationship". I hesitate to use that word. Lets just say that you have/had a "connection". It is a "relationship" of a sort. But that's just it. "Of a sort."

I don't know about your other "relationships"... but I question whether they were real, either. I don't mean to say that you and your partner didn't have feelings that felt real to you at the time. I'm sure you/he did. (Adolescence, even late adolescence, can be a time of VERY intense feelings.) But a real capital R Relationship a) has to be in person (not virtual... at least not all the time) and b) needs a rather long time to develop. Connections that start suddenly are just as likely to end that way. A Relationship is something that has existed through time and has experienced the ups-and-downs that are apart of life.

Personally, and this is just my opinion and I know there are exceptions to this rule, I encourage young men such as yourself (16 to 24 lets say) to NOT even THINK about having a Relationship. Meeting someone, finding them hot, having things in common, finding it is easy to carry on a conversation, developing an emotional attachment to them, etc., is apart of growing up -- but should not be confused with a Relationship. You're still in DATING mode... that is, experiencing all the lust, confusion, drama and trauma of hooking up, dating, making out with, getting dumped by and etc. that goes on between adolescents of any sexual orientation. YOU (guys like you or near your age) are still FINDING yourself.

What I encourage guys to do is just accept this as a fact. Just embrace it! Accept that most of the hook-up/date encounters you're going to have... even if they go on for a few months... very likely won't LAST a life time. Even ones that last several years may hit snags that can't be overcome! It happens... and I think it is actually way more common than people want to admit.

I don't know you and who you are and how you think about things. But what I do know is that all gay guys grow up in a heteronormative culture. That is, one where the "accepted rule" is what straight people like to fantasize about: "Mom, I'm going to grow up and get married and have a family just like you and dad..." Uh, yeah. Well, if you're gay... that isn't quite as easy as it sounds. That's the truth. Again, there are exceptions to the rule, but that's what they are, exceptions. Far more likely you're going to spend a lot of time dating in your 20s (what most straight boys and girls do in their teen years)... going through all the stuff they go through. Some years down the line, once you're out of school, maybe out of college, have a life of your own... a job or career... an income of your own... a place of your own... a LIFE of your own... at that point you can begin to seriously think about WHO you want to share THAT LIFE with.

The reality is you (someone like you) can't do that yet. It doesn't even exist yet.

That doesn't mean you can't hook-up or date guys. You can. (Again by "you" I mean guys in your age group in general). BUT you need to be somewhat realistic about this, too, or you'll end up in emotionally challenging situations just like this.

Ok, so this guy has done a 180 on you and you're like WTF?... Well, so, indeed, now what? Can both of you acknowledge that feelings change? Can both of you acknowledge that maybe neither one of you is truly ready for a Relationship? That the connection you DO have is fine AS IT IS. It doesn't require "fantasizing" about a future that may never happen. Can you stop playing that "heteronormative" game in your head? Can you be honest with yourselves about what you REALLY want from one another (if anything). Seriously honest. No holding back. Putting the cards out there on the table so both of you can make clear decisions about whether or not you both want the same things. (Or enough of the same things to continue.)

For example, I strongly suggest that MONOGAMY (especially in an LDR) is a BIG mistake. I doubt either you or this guy are ready for that. There are always exceptions but be real... wouldn't you rather be having fun, hooking up, dating people closer to you... discovering more about yourself. IDK what all... but "going steady" being "exclusive" at your ages and in your circumstances is damn difficult. I want to say "impossible" a bound-to-fail expectation to place on yourselves at this point. Why put that stress on yourselves? Again, to me, that is "heteronormative" and not at all realistic for the emotional developmental stage you (both of you) are at.

So.... I'm sorry for going on and on. I'll stop but this is how I, as someone old enough to be your grandfather, someone who HAS had LTR's -- not to mention someone who went through the chaos of late-adolescence and young-adulthood and remembers it quite vividly -- see this.

Take a deep breath. It's all ok. Ask yourself what you really want. Tell this guy what it is. Invite him to do the same. Open up to new possibilities beyond "heteronormative" life. Accept that maybe neither of you are really ready for a Relationship with a white picket fence. And that's just fine! That doesn't mean you can't be friends... even FWBs... and just take it slow from that point. Give each other some slack and room to grow and change. After all, truly loving someone MEANS letting them HAVE their life, whatever it may be. It does NOT mean trying to make yourself or them conform to some "fantasy model" of how things "ought" to be.

One thing about being gay is we can define ourselves AND our relationships (including our capital R ones) however we want to. Yeah, sure, we can "get married" and do all the stuff straight people do. But is that what we truly WANT? if so, truly so for both men, then that works. If not, it ain't going to work no matter what anyone says or what legal documents you've singed. Full stop.

[Rod]

Sounds like a player to me. Go check dat hoes cell phone and see how many "Bae" contact he has. The castrate him.

Now for my serious advice. He probably came to the realization that he's gone in balls deep on you and realized he didnt actually mean every word he said. You could level out the playing field and offer him an oppurtunity to take it more slowly. but if that fish wont bit you'll have to cut him off before you ACTUALLY get hurt-

As in witnessing him with another man-

That isn't you.

I say cut your own feelings off. And i don't mean make yourself numb. I literally mean it. Is it him you really love. or the idea of him. when you can answer that honestly- you'll know what you have to do.

[JeanC7755]

Welcome to the forum, Jean. I've quoted you a bit because usually the system emails a quoted reply. Otherwise you have to log back in to see the good responses you've gotten so far.

First about this forum. We get people who show up, ask a question as you have, and then we never see or hear from them again. One post wonders. Leaves us wondering, anyway. So some of us no longer feel inclined to offer long replies to people who haven't invested some of themselves into the forum... which simply means participating in other discussions besides your own problem. Putting in your own 2ç, getting to know us and such. This is a pretty cool group of people from all over the world, and all over the age demographic map. So... there's lots to be learned here, bit by bit. I invite you to just hang out with us in your spare time.

That said, the forum system is a bit odd. Until you have 50 posts it moderates you at random... holds back what you've written for moderation. So if that ever happens don't be surprised and don't take it personal.

Now to your problem....

I think it isn't at all unusual for people, especially young people such as yourself, to find their feelings changing rather quickly. What I'm saying here is, someone can tell you what their truth is and be totally sincere about it one day, and then another day it turns around and is something different. They are still being equally honest, if contradictory. If you don't now it yet, people ARE often contradictory.

As others have suggested, this is patly about "emotional maturity". I think it is VERY rare for someone near your age to have the emotional maturity of an adult. This isn't an "ageist" issue, me an old man make a judgement about young people. It's an observation based on understanding that people go through developmental phases. Adolescence doesn't end when we turn 20. In fact, I don't think most men even begin to "settle down" emotionally until they're in their mid 20s. That's a generalization and there are exceptions.

So... from my point of view, what you're talking about is NOT a "relationship". Ok, so you met someone (using a hook-up app? that part wasn't totally clear) and you and he had things in common and you became on-line friends and got into a "long distance" type "relationship". I hesitate to use that word. Lets just say that you have/had a "connection". It is a "relationship" of a sort. But that's just it. "Of a sort."

I don't know about your other "relationships"... but I question whether they were real, either. I don't mean to say that you and your partner didn't have feelings that felt real to you at the time. I'm sure you/he did. (Adolescence, even late adolescence, can be a time of VERY intense feelings.) But a real capital R Relationship a) has to be in person (not virtual... at least not all the time) and b) needs a rather long time to develop. Connections that start suddenly are just as likely to end that way. A Relationship is something that has existed through time and has experienced the ups-and-downs that are apart of life.

Personally, and this is just my opinion and I know there are exceptions to this rule, I encourage young men such as yourself (16 to 24 lets say) to NOT even THINK about having a Relationship. Meeting someone, finding them hot, having things in common, finding it is easy to carry on a conversation, developing an emotional attachment to them, etc., is apart of growing up -- but should not be confused with a Relationship. You're still in DATING mode... that is, experiencing all the lust, confusion, drama and trauma of hooking up, dating, making out with, getting dumped by and etc. that goes on between adolescents of any sexual orientation. YOU (guys like you or near your age) are still FINDING yourself.

What I encourage guys to do is just accept this as a fact. Just embrace it! Accept that most of the hook-up/date encounters you're going to have... even if they go on for a few months... very likely won't LAST a life time. Even ones that last several years may hit snags that can't be overcome! It happens... and I think it is actually way more common than people want to admit.

I don't know you and who you are and how you think about things. But what I do know is that all gay guys grow up in a heteronormative culture. That is, one where the "accepted rule" is what straight people like to fantasize about: "Mom, I'm going to grow up and get married and have a family just like you and dad..." Uh, yeah. Well, if you're gay... that isn't quite as easy as it sounds. That's the truth. Again, there are exceptions to the rule, but that's what they are, exceptions. Far more likely you're going to spend a lot of time dating in your 20s (what most straight boys and girls do in their teen years)... going through all the stuff they go through. Some years down the line, once you're out of school, maybe out of college, have a life of your own... a job or career... an income of your own... a place of your own... a LIFE of your own... at that point you can begin to seriously think about WHO you want to share THAT LIFE with.

The reality is you (someone like you) can't do that yet. It doesn't even exist yet.

That doesn't mean you can't hook-up or date guys. You can. (Again by "you" I mean guys in your age group in general). BUT you need to be somewhat realistic about this, too, or you'll end up in emotionally challenging situations just like this.

Ok, so this guy has done a 180 on you and you're like WTF?... Well, so, indeed, now what? Can both of you acknowledge that feelings change? Can both of you acknowledge that maybe neither one of you is truly ready for a Relationship? That the connection you DO have is fine AS IT IS. It doesn't require "fantasizing" about a future that may never happen. Can you stop playing that "heteronormative" game in your head? Can you be honest with yourselves about what you REALLY want from one another (if anything). Seriously honest. No holding back. Putting the cards out there on the table so both of you can make clear decisions about whether or not you both want the same things. (Or enough of the same things to continue.)

For example, I strongly suggest that MONOGAMY (especially in an LDR) is a BIG mistake. I doubt either you or this guy are ready for that. There are always exceptions but be real... wouldn't you rather be having fun, hooking up, dating people closer to you... discovering more about yourself. IDK what all... but "going steady" being "exclusive" at your ages and in your circumstances is damn difficult. I want to say "impossible" a bound-to-fail expectation to place on yourselves at this point. Why put that stress on yourselves? Again, to me, that is "heteronormative" and not at all realistic for the emotional developmental stage you (both of you) are at.

So.... I'm sorry for going on and on. I'll stop but this is how I, as someone old enough to be your grandfather, someone who HAS had LTR's -- not to mention someone who went through the chaos of late-adolescence and young-adulthood and remembers it quite vividly -- see this.

Take a deep breath. It's all ok. Ask yourself what you really want. Tell this guy what it is. Invite him to do the same. Open up to new possibilities beyond "heteronormative" life. Accept that maybe neither of you are really ready for a Relationship with a white picket fence. And that's just fine! That doesn't mean you can't be friends... even FWBs... and just take it slow from that point. Give each other some slack and room to grow and change. After all, truly loving someone MEANS letting them HAVE their life, whatever it may be. It does NOT mean trying to make yourself or them conform to some "fantasy model" of how things "ought" to be.

One thing about being gay is we can define ourselves AND our relationships (including our capital R ones) however we want to. Yeah, sure, we can "get married" and do all the stuff straight people do. But is that what we truly WANT? if so, truly so for both men, then that works. If not, it ain't going to work no matter what anyone says or what legal documents you've singed. Full stop.

Haha, thanks for putting such a detailed response.

Anyways, I see your point and I respect that you've been through it all, I guess I just wanted something meaningful and when he started telling me such emotional things I guess I got comfortable with it and fantasizing. Either ways, when someone makes such a turn in how they talk to you, it still hurts.

Yea, I think I will try to contribute the best I can on the site, even though I am not necessarily experienced in relationships.

[Anocxu]

Trust me when I say it's a blessing in disguise..
A simple debate and he wants to smite your existence..?
Yeah..not for you!

I don't know you very well but what i know you Don't want is someone that will turn on you in an instant.

May I ask a question..
Why would you agree to being so committed in such a short period of time?

(I am not judging..
I have done the exact..)

[JeanC7755]

Trust me when I say it's a blessing in disguise..
A simple debate and he wants to smite your existence..?
Yeah..not for you!

I don't know you very well but what i know you Don't want is someone that will turn on you in an instant.

May I ask a question..
Why would you agree to being so committed in such a short period of time?

(I am not judging..
I have done the exact..)

I just got really romantic and caught up in it all and got emotionally attached.