Frustration, Hesitation and Butterflies
09-28-2015, 02:41 PM
Hi everyone!
I'm new to this site and to the gay community in general. I've come here seeking advice as I have no one at home or in my social circle to talk to. Before I get into the matter at hand, I would like to give you all a backstory of my life "coming out" in the hopes that it may aid you in formulating advice for me.
The earliest memory or notion of me knowing I was gay was around 8 years old. At home paging through the local news and TV guide magazine the center-spread was of some guy laying on a couch with his shirt off (he must have been some actor or singer) I don't actually know. Anyways i found myself liking the picture but did not know why I did, I was a kid and sexual thoughts never came to mind.
Only years later when I was around 12 or 13 did I sense that I wasn't like every other guy, I found that I preferred looking at the guys. My school years were filled with a lot of confusion and a great deal of depression/sadness multiplied by low self-esteem. And so I would remain enshrouded in this secret till the 2nd of June 2015 when I finally decided to set myself free.
It was on that day that I would meet my very first guy that I had found online. I wont go into detail but the relationship with that guy lasted about a month due to us not having anything in common at all, we were just not "clicking".
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My Personality and Values...
I was raised in a firm household, not overly strict but one based upon values and morals, I was raised "old school". Compared to most young men these days I have a strong moral compass and understanding of people and their problems therefore, I listen and I try to know why (I am Pisces if that helps). I am a very loving and loyal guy and although it may seem a silly notion, I'd like to think I have a soul mate, someone to spend 1000 years or more with if I could.
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My problem...
About a week ago this guy contacted me online and asked If I would like to chat cause he liked my profile. I went over to his profile and saw that he too wasn't interested in NSA stuff and he was rather handsome (he is 25 and I'm 24 years of age). So we started talking over Skype messenger and he seems like a nice guy but as time and chatting went on, more was revealed. It was with these revelations that I grew hesitant and worried about if he is right for me. (As I'm sure many here on this forum know how much damage can be caused should ones shields be lowered).
Like me he is a very deep person, like me he is troubled, that I know. Where I like to get to know someone a bit more before speaking of more intimate acts, he would mention such things to me which made me uncomfortable and I did confront him about it. He has apologized for that.
I asked him about how many people he has been with as I believe this is a reflection of your self and moral standing. The answers he gave me were rather disturbing due to him being only 25 years of age. Now the information that will follow shortly may seem petty to some but it bothers me a lot as this guy gives me butterflies everyday. I get excited when his status icon on Skype changes to "Online", I get frustrated if he hasn't logged on all day and get sad when he has to log off. I'm not in love with him as I do not know him well enough for an investment of that caliber but I think I could.
So he informs me that he's had 10-15 "flings" and 4 long term relationships. At this point I'm thinking that's a bit much. He did say that he's not the kind of guy to sleep around so I'm guessing he didn't have sex with those "flings". He tells me that he is on good terms with all of his long term "exes". So I wonder how that is even possible and why are they "exes" if it went well or something?
Ex No 1 - Works overseas (That's fine)
Ex No 2 - Had kids and was a lot older than him so it was making it difficult. (that worried me as it would seem like dating a father figure which I find disturbing) <-- No offense intended.
Ex No 3 - Had HIV but they dated for 2 years. He said they used protection and that he used "PrEP". (this freaked me out but in the same breath I thought it commendable that the HIV thing didn't bother him). The HIV dude broke it off as he didn't want to give a "half filled life".
Ex No 4 - Is a "fuck buddy" on and off for years. They know each other from high school. He said sometimes they got drunk and depressed and would go at it. (this pissed me off to the high heavens and I felt severely disappointed in him).
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He can be very sweet and says that he is very loyal and would never hurt me but I've heard/read that so many times on TV/articles or friends experiences, talk is cheap these days. I'm conflicted, half of me says he hasn't and isn't capable of living up to my moral standards and the other says give it a try. Are the warning signs there? I'm of two minds with this.
My whole life has been lived in sadness and uncertainty. Where most kids/youngsters were visiting friends and enjoying parties and life, I was at home in my room, in front of my computer playing games to forget my heartache.
I don't want this guy to be my undoing, I would like him to be at my side on my road to salvation.
So with a familiar quote I ask you all for advice: "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, your my only hope..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm new to this site and to the gay community in general. I've come here seeking advice as I have no one at home or in my social circle to talk to. Before I get into the matter at hand, I would like to give you all a backstory of my life "coming out" in the hopes that it may aid you in formulating advice for me.
The earliest memory or notion of me knowing I was gay was around 8 years old. At home paging through the local news and TV guide magazine the center-spread was of some guy laying on a couch with his shirt off (he must have been some actor or singer) I don't actually know. Anyways i found myself liking the picture but did not know why I did, I was a kid and sexual thoughts never came to mind.
Only years later when I was around 12 or 13 did I sense that I wasn't like every other guy, I found that I preferred looking at the guys. My school years were filled with a lot of confusion and a great deal of depression/sadness multiplied by low self-esteem. And so I would remain enshrouded in this secret till the 2nd of June 2015 when I finally decided to set myself free.
It was on that day that I would meet my very first guy that I had found online. I wont go into detail but the relationship with that guy lasted about a month due to us not having anything in common at all, we were just not "clicking".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Personality and Values...
I was raised in a firm household, not overly strict but one based upon values and morals, I was raised "old school". Compared to most young men these days I have a strong moral compass and understanding of people and their problems therefore, I listen and I try to know why (I am Pisces if that helps). I am a very loving and loyal guy and although it may seem a silly notion, I'd like to think I have a soul mate, someone to spend 1000 years or more with if I could.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My problem...
About a week ago this guy contacted me online and asked If I would like to chat cause he liked my profile. I went over to his profile and saw that he too wasn't interested in NSA stuff and he was rather handsome (he is 25 and I'm 24 years of age). So we started talking over Skype messenger and he seems like a nice guy but as time and chatting went on, more was revealed. It was with these revelations that I grew hesitant and worried about if he is right for me. (As I'm sure many here on this forum know how much damage can be caused should ones shields be lowered).
Like me he is a very deep person, like me he is troubled, that I know. Where I like to get to know someone a bit more before speaking of more intimate acts, he would mention such things to me which made me uncomfortable and I did confront him about it. He has apologized for that.
I asked him about how many people he has been with as I believe this is a reflection of your self and moral standing. The answers he gave me were rather disturbing due to him being only 25 years of age. Now the information that will follow shortly may seem petty to some but it bothers me a lot as this guy gives me butterflies everyday. I get excited when his status icon on Skype changes to "Online", I get frustrated if he hasn't logged on all day and get sad when he has to log off. I'm not in love with him as I do not know him well enough for an investment of that caliber but I think I could.
So he informs me that he's had 10-15 "flings" and 4 long term relationships. At this point I'm thinking that's a bit much. He did say that he's not the kind of guy to sleep around so I'm guessing he didn't have sex with those "flings". He tells me that he is on good terms with all of his long term "exes". So I wonder how that is even possible and why are they "exes" if it went well or something?
Ex No 1 - Works overseas (That's fine)
Ex No 2 - Had kids and was a lot older than him so it was making it difficult. (that worried me as it would seem like dating a father figure which I find disturbing) <-- No offense intended.
Ex No 3 - Had HIV but they dated for 2 years. He said they used protection and that he used "PrEP". (this freaked me out but in the same breath I thought it commendable that the HIV thing didn't bother him). The HIV dude broke it off as he didn't want to give a "half filled life".
Ex No 4 - Is a "fuck buddy" on and off for years. They know each other from high school. He said sometimes they got drunk and depressed and would go at it. (this pissed me off to the high heavens and I felt severely disappointed in him).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He can be very sweet and says that he is very loyal and would never hurt me but I've heard/read that so many times on TV/articles or friends experiences, talk is cheap these days. I'm conflicted, half of me says he hasn't and isn't capable of living up to my moral standards and the other says give it a try. Are the warning signs there? I'm of two minds with this.
My whole life has been lived in sadness and uncertainty. Where most kids/youngsters were visiting friends and enjoying parties and life, I was at home in my room, in front of my computer playing games to forget my heartache.
I don't want this guy to be my undoing, I would like him to be at my side on my road to salvation.
So with a familiar quote I ask you all for advice: "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, your my only hope..."
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