Need advice!

[Presario]

Hi Guys,
I got an relationship issue and need some advice.
I've been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year now. Everything has been great and we both love each other very much. During the last year, we used to try open relationship since we have to work in different cities and be apart for couple of months. Couple of weeks ago, I randomly checked his phone and found there's secret folder which is locked. I asked him about it and he said it was some sex pictures he downloaded from the website. My curiosity drove me crazy and I got a way to unlock the folder (I now regretted so much about doing that). What surprised me is that there's a short video that he was fucked by a guy without condom... I was crashed. We agreed to be completed honest to each other (which he did and told me he had sex with a guy during our open relationship period and I guess that is the guy he mentioned). I told myself it was under mutual understanding that we can have our own stuff during that period and I should let it go. Several days passed, it turns out it just stuck in my head and hurt me all the time. I can accept that he slept with someone BUT cannot accept bareback! It simply is not a responsible thing for both of us! Maybe it was just running out of condom or any other reason, maybe he will never do that again? I've no idea.
The dilemma is, if I choose to tell him that I know, he probably would be really angry since the locked folder was his privacy and he expressed that firmly before. But if I don't tell, I just cannot let it go no matter how hard I tried. And I believe it would hurt our relationship too.
Which way to go? Thank you so much!!!

[rroepcke]

You need to stop seeing this guy - he obviously doesn't respect your or his health and it's only a matter of time before it happens again. You could end up contracting something small, or something major. Drop the asshole and find someone who respects your health.

Relationships need to be built on trust and if you don't trust him enough and feel it necessary to go through his locked folders then that's no relationship. Better to cut him off now then to let it go on with you feeling stress and worry over what he is doing .

[East]

Normally I would tell you to respect his private space...but you own it and know you fucked up so I am not going to go there....

So now..you need to address this and own the mistake you made...don't make any excuses for yourself because it will set a bad tone for the conversation...and then listen to what he says....

If he puts it on you..NOT A GOOD SIGN! Your health was put at risk and it is something you have every right to address...period. His decision involved you directly...and you did not have a choice.......

Having said that...I have also lived long enough and seen enough to know that life has all kinds of surprises and mysteries that we don't understand...and there may actually be a moment when you or him "get it"....learn something...and get past it...

Communication Skills are a very difficult bridge to build...and to cross..in any good relationship...and it requires a lot of work.

I think going in...figure out what your own dealbreakers are so you can have a productive conversation. For instance....I despise a person who doesn't own their shit..who thinks everything happens because someone else "made" them do something...or who thinks everything is everyone else's fault. My skin actually feels like it is crawling to listen to that drivel......so going in to a difficult situation I already know what I can't handle and I keep an open mind about everything else....

What are your dealbreakers?

So think about it. ...and if you can..try not to adopt the "high morals and decency" thing....it won't serve you well today or any day in the future...let the Baptist Ladies Club shake their fingers instead because they do it enough for all the rest of us already...

I wish you both the best ((()))

[LJay]

East, you are a pearl beyond price.

OP, from henceforth and evermore you must insist on condoms for anal and oral sex.

[Scootaloo]

Just cause you messed up, doesn't make what he did ok.

Confront him but not in an understanding way. Have a real conversation, if things are strong between the two of you, you will find a way to work this out and be more honest with each other going forward. Express how important safety is, and don't forget to be apologetic for being untrustworthy.