The One(s) That Got Away

[Beaux]

I briefly considered making this post Anonomous because I suspect there will be people who will nick-pick the following admission as me somehow participating in infidelity, or they will imply that I am being disingenuous in my relationship with either my husband or "cruch"; perhaps they will present it as both.

I decided to go through with it, however, because I take any and all commentary from my peers here on GauSpeak on a sliding-scale of sorts. I realize that members of a certain age's (usually younger) thoughts will come from a place of lesser experience in some areas; similarly, I realize that there are other members who are of an older generation who value personal privacy to such a degree that my admission here will be seen lacking in decorum.

Be that as it may, I would like to take an informal poll (no actual "poll" provided, those who would like to participate--all you have to do to participate is to Post!).

The question, for those wiling to participate, is this:
1) "Who is the "One(s) Who Got Away?"
2) "What circumstances do you believe led you to feel this way?"
3) "Would you do things differently, or do you believe you made the right choice?"

I will give an example from my own life:
Several years ago, my husband and I became very close friends with a young man who lived near by. He and I were much closer than he was with my husband, and a little over a year after we met, he overheard a conversation btw my husband and myself regarding his recent diagnoises of thyroid cancer and how it had destroyed our sexlife.

Shortly after, he made clear that he would be interested in a physical relationship with me, and that (should I agree) he would keep it from my husband to avoid hurting him. I was flattered, not only because he is very attractive and appealing, but because of the respectful nature he made the request.

To be copletely honest, I was very flattered. At the risk of coming across as vain, I have never had esteem issues regarding my appearance, but since my husband had started the radioactive iodine treatments, he completely lost interest in me sexually and it came as an unexpected blow to my ego. A handsome 33 year old man presuing me...well...lets just say it was some what therapeutic.

Naturally, I declined the offer...reluctantly. However, I have never "cheated" (my definition: I haven't made anyone else cum; they haven't made me cum; have kissed a couple of guys when tipsy a coupe of times though....) and wether I was tempted or not, I wasn't starting then...or now.

Sadly, now, I cannot seem to get it out of my mind. It happened almost a year ago, but I think about it a couple of times a week. I don't regret turning him down....but I do feel regret. I feel a longing for what he was offering. He had that eneffiable "thing" about him, that I just KNOW he would be a wonderful lover....and I have that "thing" about me right now that I feel I NEED a wonderful lover

To top it all off, on my way home today he crossed infront of me at a stop light. He didn't see me and I didn't try to get his attention, but it has left me thinking about him all evening.

I told my husband about seeing him (not about me being tempted), and I have no intention of contacting him, but I am **Tempted**....

Has anyone else felt this way? Does anyone have any stories to share? Or should I scuttle back into the shadows for being weird....ok, "weird-er".....?

~Beaux

[Radbot42]

I've talked about the one that got away several times, Won't say his name here but he was my first boyfriend

I think of him as the one that got away, because long distance did not work and he had to end it

I don't know how to answer it, but if I knew everything I did now, (that it wouldn't be forever) I'd still fall for him all over again.

[East]

Beaux....you aren't weird...sounds more like you are normal to me....

As I worked in a gay club during 3 of my 4 relationships....I had guys all the time who tempted me....

Two stand out...then three more that were not from the club......

LOL..who am I kidding...the more I think about it..there were more than two or three or four....

I have one thing that I know would shock most everyone....gay or straight...and I will definitely be judged harshly ....and it is actually the BEST THING I ever did in my life concerning relationships....and it opened a doorway for me I had no idea even existed....

...but I am not gonna tell it now :biggrin:

[Radbot42]

Beaux....you aren't weird...sounds more like you are normal to me....

As I worked in a gay club during 3 of my 4 relationships....I had guys all the time who tempted me....

Two stand out...then three more that were not from the club......

LOL..who am I kidding...the more I think about it..there were more than two or three or four....

I have one thing that I know would shock most everyone....gay or straight...and I will definitely be judged harshly ....and it is actually the BEST THING I ever did in my life concerning relationships....and it opened a doorway for me I had no idea even existed....

...but I am not gonna tell it now :biggrin:

Well, what are you waiting for!!!

Also there was one more, a somewhat recent guy I know.

Met him online, like I meet any of my gay freinds/relationships. We hit it off well, but I wasn't dating. Wanted to tell him how I felt before he left for grad school on the other side of the country but decided not to even though I knew he had a huge crush on me. No clue if I will see him again.

[Anocxu]

It was a guy who tried to get to know me when I was 17, he was about 23 but because I was too afraid of my friends finding out I was gay I ignored his advances, except the first time. Maybe 6 months later, I went back to the place we first met (he was in the gym, I was swimming) a few times just in the hopes he would be there but he was never there, those were lonely bus rides home.

I know the feeling .. I quite a few of us around here have some stories like that..
Look at it this way..

Gay ,straight or bi..
It's all a learning experience. .

In reality he could have been the wrong guy for you..as well as a great lover/ friend...

There will be more..

[MikeW]

You're not getting your sexual needs met within your relationship. Why wouldn't you be "tempted"... especially by someone with whom there is a mutual attraction.

I'm not quite sure what to say here. The only other man I know who is in a relationship with another man who can not meet his sexual needs, plays outside of that relationship. This "playing" does not threaten the relationship. Frankly I'm not sure exactly what kind of "agreement" or "arrangement" he has with his partner. I'm not sure how much the partner knows about it... although I'm sure he knows his partner isn't sexually monogamous. That said, my friend's partner isn't able to live on his own and so my friend is very much a care-giver and is dedicated to being there for his partner. So, there IS emotional fidelity. Personally I see nothing wrong with those kinds of arrangements. Sometimes they're what's necessary for "commitment" to continue.

[Beaux]

You're not getting your sexual needs met within your relationship. Why wouldn't you be "tempted"... especially by someone with whom there is a mutual attraction.

I'm not quite sure what to say here. The only other man I know who is in a relationship with another man who can not meet his sexual needs, plays outside of that relationship. This "playing" does not threaten the relationship. Frankly I'm not sure exactly what kind of "agreement" or "arrangement" he has with his partner. I'm not sure how much the partner knows about it... although I'm sure he knows his partner isn't sexually monogamous. That said, my friend's partner isn't able to live on his own and so my friend is very much a care-giver and is dedicated to being there for his partner. So, there IS emotional fidelity. Personally I see nothing wrong with those kinds of arrangements. Sometimes they're what's necessary for "commitment" to continue.

Well, I certainly never thought I would find myself saying this, but I have been thinking a lot lately that I think I would be ok with an open relationship.
My husband, however, is TOTALLU against it. The one time I brought it up, he *LOST* it! Even more so than normal as late...
Something has got to give eventually. I am only 44 (going on 45), and I never dreamed that I would lose my sexual identity so early in life.
~Beaux

[meridannight]

I briefly considered making this post Anonomous because I suspect there will be people who will nick-pick the following admission as me somehow participating in infidelity, or they will imply that I am being disingenuous in my relationship with either my husband or "cruch"; perhaps they will present it as both.

this isn't infidelity or being fake. if anything, i see that you are honest with yourself.

life is what it is. and being in a relationship doesn't mean that we don't have eyes for other men, or that we never will connect with any other man again, or feel anything for another man. we will. it will happen. the extent and the nature such connections are to take is up to the participants, and sometimes beyond their control. it is dependent on a lot of variables, other than just the fact that one/both is/are already in a relationship.

i would advise caution when there is the presence of ideas about getting out of a long-term relationship to be with somebody else (i'm not implying you are doing this, i'm talking in general terms). in a way one would be getting out of a long-term relationship that hasn't failed in itself, but is ended in order to be with someone else. i'm not sure how that would work out to be, and it might backfire after some time. if the relationship is on the rocks, that is a different story, and that someone else might just provide the motive to get out. in any case, it should be remembered that under such circumstances, one does not have an adequate perspective on the future potential with that alternative partner yet. it would take just as much building and getting to know, and all the rest of it that forming a relationship entails. but on the other hand, if there is true sentiment of love, that will put another angle on the whole thing. so it's not as simple as 'i'm-in-a-relationship' or 'we-both-want-each-other'.

and i can't tell you what you should do here. nobody can tell you that. you have to think about this, and realize what is going on. maybe you need to experiment. maybe you need to get to know that other man. maybe you can live without it. maybe it's a phase....i have no idea. if it keeps coming up and bugging you, you should try to form a more clear understanding on what is happening.

[SilverBullet]

Your not weird lol,
As said above, your sexual urges arent being met and you arent too happy in your relationship so its natural to be tempted. You did not give in to the temptation and that say's allot, however if your unhappy now, with ought change you will also be unhappy later. You must communicate with your partner your feelings and if that produces no change, then you come to a fork. One path may lead to happiness, one produces happiness only to your partner and as time goes on you may resent him and even he will be unhappy in the relationship.

so def: talk to your boi

I had something similar happen, when I was in GA I went to a gay for my first time. Had several guys hitting on me, one was perfect (super nice, very intelligent, and good looking) and though I was single my ex sent me a text that very night it was strange, and in an effort to mend what we had I turned the guy down. Then after me and ex got back together we fell apart pretty quick and I was left feeling like an idiot lol.

[InbetweenDreams]

The ones that got away... Well in my case the ones that got away were probably a good thing. The only crush I had was with a girl I dated when I was in 8th grade... I wanted to date her for the longest time... Had a crush on her for about 10 years... now I'm gay lol

With guys though, seems most of the guys I dated either had no job, a complete slob or ended up using me.

The first guy I dated I actually went to high school with...lasted three months. He doesn't have a real job he does bookkeeping for his dad's company and gets paid $600 and lives in his mother's house by himself. Hasn't changed in almost 10 years, does the exact same thing. He's cute, has a nice physique, but relationship? Nope, just would never work. He's the same age as me but he's into 18 year olds anyway. He's not quite as bad as I made him out to be, but definitely has some character flaws.

Another guy I dated had more potential but got himself stuck in the fast food world and I think he has a college degree. He one of those who wanted to start a business in I have no idea what and that's where it ended. We didn't really have much a dating experience, more of fwb looking back at it.

The longest time I was in a relationship was with a guy I should have ran from. He did have a job...delivering papers. Then I discovered he lived in a pop-up camper. Looking back I don't know why I was cool with that, I guess I was thinking with the other head at the time. I try not to be too judgemental about someone's living situation, life can't throw some curve balls. In this case I think he lacked discipline. The story I got was that he once had a house, a new Rav 4, but he let his brother plant pot plants and somehow the property was siezed or some kind of drama went on, all that took place before I knew him. So after his friends kicked him out of the pop-up camper he moved in with his aunt who had mental issues, place was a total dump. I'm talking piles of trash inside and outside. There were also chickens...yeah that too. I would drive an hour to pick him up and come back to my place, I couldn't stand to be there for obvious reasons. After he lost his job delivering papers, mind you had over 30 days heads up, he wouldn't do anything to look for a new job. I went around got job applications, offered him transporation and anything I could do to help him. Well instead he would incompletely fill out applications, sloppy handwriting and so on. Granted this was when the job market was really bad but of course no one called him, especially when someone else has to turn in your job application. Well apparently that wasn't enough for me to end it. My aunt, uncle and cousins came for a visit from out of state and they like to drink and what not and this was when I liked to part a bit and I got some hard liquor. He wanted to show off in from of us Irish people and took a huge drink from a bottle of everclear. He became terribly drunk and from what I was told he got all up in my mom's business. Not sure what really happened, but my uncle was pissed, and my dad wasn't exactly thrilled either. I had to put him in my brand new car at the time to keep him away. Ended up having to drive the asshole back an hour away about half drunk too...Only time I have ever driven "impaired" and no I drove fine. That pretty much ended our train-wreck of a relationship.

From there on to present. I have been on dates, I have had a few things that lasted a few weeks and regrettably a few one offs. I have also had my share of people who don't show for dates...heck even once drove 30 minutes to a date where no one showed up...Its bad enough to cancel the last minute but to just disappear into thin air 30 minutes before your date, that's a dick move. Not sure if I am just gullible and fall for that crap.

I guess I just latch on to anyone that likes me, or did anyway, I'd like to think I am better at filtering out idiots and assholes. But it definitely would appear that I'm loyal. I never cheated on anyone, even Mr. Chickenshit I deliver papers... I was loyal to that.

So yep glad those got away. The only one that would possibly come close was a girl and I'm gay and she's married and even if she wasn't I honestly don't see anything happening now. I got over the 10 year crush and it was the best thing to let go of. It doesn't mean I enjoy getting rejected by a handsome guy, but it seems the older I get less I care. I still get excited, probably too excited, when I do finally manage to get a date or someone talking about something besides Madonna or "got any pics?"