My Story

[InbetweenDreams]

I think the first time I ever was sexually attracted to a guy was in 8th grade, you guessed it, in the locker room. I also think it was the first time seeing a guy in boxer briefs too. He was very cute, played on the football team and he wasn't a big guy or anything, he was skinnier smaller guy. Although I hated gym that was one of the nice things about gym class. I never had any sexual experiences with anyone. I did have a girl friend and I was attracted to some girls, although I did find that I wasn't attracted to the same girls that all the other guys were after. My girlfriend at the time was a nerdy red headed girl, she really was pretty at least to me, but of course it being 8th grade didn't last. I only dated one other girl after that, it was after high school and I turned down having sex, it was terribly staged and I didn't feel right about it and very nervous. After that I didn't have any relationship for a few years. I struggled for a few years trying to figure out what my deal was and at the time I didn't feel comfortable being gay. I decided to explore a bit and decided that I was at the very least bi-sexual, I really wasn't sure but I knew I liked guys. I began dating a guy I went to high school with in 2006. We're still friends today but he was too immature and had a lot of issues between himself and his family, although it was short lived I did learn a lot about who I was. The hardest part around this time was how I came out to my father that I was gay. My mom and my sister knew, my sister has had my back on that from the get go, my mom ended up being find with it. However, I recall that she made a bit of a fuss at first, being a bit dramatic but she got over it pretty quickly. My dad though, he was always known to be somewhat a loose cannon on anything out of the norm. So I kept it a secret from him until he got pissed off because I would leave the house and not tell him where I was going or who I was with. He thought I was dealing drugs or something and I think he might have threatened to kick me out and so to clear myself of being a drug dealer I told him I was gay and was going over to my boyfriend's house. He shut up pretty quick and I remember him almost tearing up, I don't know if he just felt guilty or was hurt by hearing that I was gay. He never really speaks much about how he feels...unless he's pissed off. At any rate it seems everyone is fine with it. I don't advertise, I don't dress flamboyantly, it isn't my style anyway. I tell my friends, people that ask and I'm careful about telling people at work, even though I know of many people at my work place who are gay, even a transgender person happens to be in the office next to mine, no one even jokes about it anymore, not even the high school kids. Very fortunate these days, while I admit there's a long way to go, but 10 years ago very different picture.

I did date a few other guys, things might last a few months at most. That was until I met Lee... I thought I had it made, it had been a couple years since I had dated anyone and I really was depressed, I was working a low paying job, I felt ugly and fat and he was the first guy who seemed to genuinely like me back. The problem with Lee was he was just so lazy, didn't have any drive. He delivered papers for a while and ended up losing his job. Smoked a lot of pot and so did I, so our relationship ended up becoming about sex and pot. I did get very frustrated with him because would not look for work, I had envisioned other plans. I wanted to move out and live together and Lee wanted to get stoned and play on his computer and gave a rats ass about the absolute mess he was in. I won't go into details but probably one of the biggest mistakes was dating him. Finally ended when he get drunk (showing off) and made a huge ass in front of my family. I had to have something go incredibly wrong to make me see what he was and what he was doing to me, he was mooching for whatever he could get.

From there I dated a couple guys, got a led on by a few. Up to the present I really never dated anyone for any length of time. In fact dating someone and it going so well really makes it feel like it is the first time I ever have dated. Of course it makes me nervous, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or how to go about things. I feel like 90% of what I have done in dating was probably wrong or my fault and all that. Realizing people are very complex and may have very different needs. The other thing I keep trying to realize is that everyone has their own insecurities about themselves, often they are things the other person either doesn't notice or doesn't see as a flaw.

Anyway that's sort of my story on coming out and some of the experiences I have had.

[CellarDweller]

Thanks for sharing, Axle. I appreciate how difficult it must've been to share some of that.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well looking back on things, although I had many bad experiences around that time I do feel that I am happier today. I'm still insecure about how I look, mainly that I'm "too fat" for most of the gay guys around here. Of course I want to lose weight and it isn't as easy as it sounds. I can get on a treadmill for a month and hardly make any progress. It is very rare to find someone who really does accept you for who you are and even then I feel a bit skeptical.

My dad is really another story, it's usually difficult to deal with him, very stubborn and has no patience with my mom who is very ill and has been since I was 6. Basically she has 3 brain tumors and a whole list of things that are wrong with her. My sister and I were told that she was going to die in 6 months 20 years ago. Thankfully she is still here but it's a struggle for her everyday and since her heart surgery and her COPD getting worse it is a lot of work for her just to get around the house...

[dimondd]

Hello Alex.


I think you may have inadvertently answer some of my questions.!!!


Thanks for sharing.

[Keith]

Thank you for sharing those. Life is a bitch sometimes but we still have to keep going.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23210]dimondd[/MENTION] Well not sure how I managed that but glad it helped someone. Also I go by axle2152 over the movie "Beverly Hills Cop" if you've seen it then you might see the humor in it.
[MENTION=19896]Keith[/MENTION] Life is a bitch and some people stop trying. There have been ups and downs in my life but the way look at thing is that I could have been born in a 3rd world country, things can always be worse. However, when I look at my life, yes mistakes were made, things didn't always go as planned but life is a learning process. I think one of the most humble realizations that I have had that we're pretty much on the same level, we're all a bit weird and often I find many similarities among people. It is still hard to really wrap my head around it but realizing that someone really feels the same way as you do can be liberating in my opinion. Then again I might be off my rocker.

One of the neat things about forums like this is that you have people from all sorta of countries and background, it's really cool, not even Facebook can make that feat. I mean there are over a billion people using Facebook but people don't always talk to each other... and frankly I don't really like what Facebook has become.

[Radbot42]

Thanks for sharing your story Axle. I've gone through some shit myself, and almost gave up on doing things for myself. Life can be a struggle at times even all with the liberties we have of living in a first world country but we have to keep pushing or we might end up like your ex. I almost got close to that, and I still have some work to do to move out of my parents.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well there's definitely a lot someone could pick at on me... I mean I live with my parents, I practically spend every dime I have on stuff I don't need... I at times think I need to do a lot better on so many things. I could have slipped down the hole with him too, I could have very easily done that. I was a fool and got myself hurt by people I should have stayed away from. Being young and desperate for someone to be in love with you is quite dangerous. However, I am very lucky to be where I am at today.

[MikeW]

Being young and desperate for someone to be in love with you is quite dangerous.

QFT (quoted for truth, for those of you who don't know what QFT stands for)...

This should be your signature! (Or someones.) A lot of young guys should see that.

BUT it isn't only true for young guys. The real key there is the DESPERATE part. Doesn't matter how young or old... it is the DESPERATION for love and attention that gets us in trouble. Every fucking time.

Just saying.

[InbetweenDreams]

I think the question is how do you keep yourself from falling into that trap...

I don't know that I would admit to being desperate but I can't deny that I have been putting effort into finding someone. I mean I know that most of the guy I meet or have met are either immature, just want sex or something else. Very rare to come across someone genuine.