My Story - Comments and Support Appreciated

[AsItShouldBe]

I’m married for societies sake.

If anyone asks, the response is always the same, “I have been happily married for x number of years”. But the question that gets me the most is “what do you like most about your wife”? The question isn’t that difficult to answer, accept that I love her as a friend and not really a spouse. You see, I am a gay man hiding in a straight man’s world.

I was born and raised in a religious household with conservative parents. I grew up where we were sheltered from anything that had to do with sex. I did not really know the difference between gay and straight until my Junior or Senior year of High School. By the time I realized my true sexual identity, I was too afraid to accept it and let myself be who I really am.

I realized at the age of about 9 or 10 that I liked the way some of my male classmates looked but didn’t understand why, and then the rollercoaster began. At 11 years’ old some of my classmates began to bully me. It started with verbal bullying and then very soon after it became physical. They would call me gay and act like they were going to have sex with me against my will. The bullying continued for the next 3 years.

During the same years as the bullying, things got worse at home. My family started to argue more, and my parents started to let us know what they expected of us once we grew up. My parents saw all of us kids having beautiful husbands and wives, the perfect home, a dog, and lots of grand kids. They would even ask us what we thought of what they chose to be the better looking classmates.

Most of high school, I avoided the dating scene for fear that I would have to date a girl and if I did, she or my parents would find out I was gay. I started to try and convince myself that I was wrong about my sexual orientation and that I was in fact straight and just thought I was gay due to the bullying that occurred when I was younger. I found a girl that I though was attractive in her own way, and 2 months later we were dating. I made the best of the situation but just didn’t understand what love really was because there were no fireworks. After the first girlfriend, I was convinced that I was capable of being straight and therefore dated a lot of other women.

I thought I was finally over my gay tendencies until I fell in love with my college roommate. You see we had been friends for 3 years, went everywhere together and joked together. One day he came home drunk, and he was mad because he hadn’t scored any women at the bar that night. He complained for the better part of twenty minutes while I tried to convince him that we would just try a different spot the next weekend. Being in the drunk mindset, he did not like my optimism and complained that it just wasn’t fair because he was horny and no girls were going to take him home. As we were talking he all of a sudden undressed himself and began to jerk off, and he got mad when I did not follow suit.

The dilemma started racing through my head as I thought my roommate was very attractive. Finally, my smaller head gained control of my thinking and I joined in the fun. We had hot passionate fun for close to 2 hours before my roommate fell asleep. The next morning, he had no recollection of the night before and I was not about to be the one to bring it up. We never did talk about what happened but from that night on I knew there was no question about it, I am and always will be gay.

About 7 months after that night, I was introduced to a pretty girl that was my age. She had career goals, and was everything I thought a straight guy could ever want. I was still too afraid to let anyone know that I was gay and so I asked her out. We dated for almost 4 years and then got married. The entire relationship I would just tell myself that this is how it was supposed to be and so this is how it would be. But I knew the entire time that it was not who I really was or who I wanted to love.

The whole time I was trying to convince myself I could lead a straight life, I would find myself sneaking off to some Grindr hookup or the men’s bathhouse. Whenever I was about to hook up with a guy I would try to talk myself out of it saying it was not fair to my wife. My wife was my only sane argument as to why I should not be hooking up with guys. Even with knowing that I was gay I was too scared to do anything about it, until a few months ago when I met the most amazing guy.

I can now say I know what people mean by true love. There is nothing like the sparks that go off in my mind when I think of him, or the butterflies I get when I see him walk into the room. I am head over heels for this guy but there is a problem, I am still married and my wife nor my family know I have homosexual tendencies. Once I met the man of my dreams, I started to read books written by men with my same dilemma that talk about their coming out. I have decided to start a blog as my way of recording my thoughts and feelings as I navigate this strange world of love, marriage, and family, with the hopes that it will help me stay honest to myself throughout the process and possibly help someone else going through the same.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Yikes, Good luck man!

[Zen]

Hi mate, you really aren't alone! I started a thread recently called "I want to be a decent guy". Kind of exploring the same things! The guys here gave me amazing feedback.

I was lucky not to have been bullied as I did an amazing straight act!

I've convinced myself for years that I was straight but interested in guys and then Bi, literally convinced myself. All those feelings I get around guys that I like, the fireworks you talk about, I convinced myself that it wasn't attraction just admiration. Like you I've had my fair share of female partners, like you, it's the fireworks that aren't there (apart from the buzz of new love or just plain getting laid!)

I came out- as Bi recently, if you look at the other thread you'll see that there are likely further conversations I will need to have with my wife as my desires grow daily!

Everyone's circumstances are different and I'm not in any position to offer advice. Just wanted you to know that although it might not feel it, as you live your life day to day, that you really aren't alone mate. They predicted that more socially liberal attitudes would stop guys like us ending up in this situation, but it depends on your personal background, particularly where conservative religion is involved unfortunately (I'm a recovered Catholic!).

Like I say, I can't offer any advice but if you want someone to share your feelings with, you're more than welcome to message me

[drobs]

I had a similar Christian upbringing but never got married - thank god! You might read Mel White's book Stranger at the Gate. It was helpful to me when I finally came out at age 23.

https://www.amazon.com/Stranger-Gate-Gay...0452273811

Good luck on your journey.

[LONDONER]

[SIZE="3"]I think you need to ask yourself some basic questions:

Am I prepared to live a lie for the rest of my life?

Am I prepared to deceive my wife for the rest of my life?

Am I prepared to to be unhappy for the rest of my life?[/SIZE]

[Piri]

You're only 27 and you know for sure that you're gay: stop this fake marriage bullshit before you end up a depressed fat bald grindr addicted 50 years old man with 4 children. You'll think about coming out later.

[Cuddly]

Rip off the bandaid...

If you're financially independant and don't put yourself in danger of being homeless, come out and save yourself and everyone else from wasting their time living a lie. You (and your wife!!!!!!) deserve real, genuine happinness. Don't let homophobia keep you closeted... not in the US.

[seeking]

I really think you should consider letting your wife know.

Lying to yourself is one thing - you bear your own consequences. But lying to this woman is so unfair to her - she thinks she has found the right guy for the rest of her life. Imagine that for yourself and what would you feel - she deserves to know and maybe a chance to find another man if she wishes, before she gets old.

It's hard to live a fake life for other's expectation, but dragging someone else with you is just not right. It would be more understandable if it happened way back in several dozens years ago but you are not that old. I think you have much more opportunities to live a life as you wish.

[Cridders88]

There is only one thing you need to do here, and you know what it is. It's going to be a tough journey, but everyone involved will be better off for it. Good luck! But whatever you do, don't let this situation carry on unchanged.