DtotheJtotheM Wrote:This is more of an evaluation of my current life, but I've become a total slut trying to fill the space of an ex, and seem to have changed into a bitter and imperious person, I don't like the person I've become, I'm slowly slipping back into the clinics depression I bouted before I even met my ex, and people are starting to hate me. And when I say slut, I mean slutty mcslut-slut. .___.
Right. *claps hands together, Mary Poppins stylee*
Let's break down what you're saying bit by bit, and see what we find. Auntie Nick's here to work his crazy magic...
So, in an evaluation of your current life, you've decided you're a slut. So when you say your current life, what do you mean?? Is it actually in your day to day interactions, or is it more secretive, like DJM after dark kinda thing?? I only ask because the way i see it, if you're calling yourself a slut it's not because you actually are one but because you think there's something not right in the way you go about things. Now how many men have you actually slept with recently?? How many of them have been in public?? How many times have you been caught?? How many people know about that?? Have you got yourself a reputation??
I had a pretty slutty reputation for several years, most of them while i was at school. There were all kindsa rumours that went around about me getting into strange men's vans for sex and all sorts. They didn't really bother me though because a) people mostly didn't believe them and b) they were almost all true. Unless you too are seducing the gas man and having sex with the guy who repaired the alarm at your work-experience place i really think you have nothing to worry about in the slut stakes.
If you're having lots of sex and feel that this isn't fulfilling then you need to ask yourself what it is you're craving. You say you're filling the gap left by an ex. Do you perhaps feel that you're replacing the emotional connection you had with this guy with sex?? Maybe you could try not having sex for awhile and see what happens??
The thing is, you're never gonna be happy in life or in love until you realise that you need only yourself to achieve this. I know it sounds horrible reading, and i'm not dismissing what you're going through, if it's anything like how you make it sound then in one way or another i've been there enough times, but you need to take this time to be by yourself and to start the moving on process. Take time to mourn what you miss and learn the lessons from it. Then bury it as best you can and start looking forwards. I know it feels like you're gonna be feeling this way forever, and i know i've said that in the past but eventually you can and do change, it might not happen immediately and you probably won't realise it for quite a while until after you've totally changed but it will happen. In the meantime it's always good to buys yourself with other things.
You write very earnest and emotional poetry, and you're more than prolific, take heart in knowing what creative fruits your current emotions bear. Write down what you feel, i know it helps me when i do, but try also to write with finality, and feel the negatives flowing onto the page out of your system.
Also try busying yourself with other things, seeing friends and doing things you enjoy. You could also try to start something meditative, which can build a pool of inner calm inside you to draw on when you're feeling low. Personally i choose yoga. Tis amazing is what tis.
Please try to remember that feeling negative about the way you are feeling and the person you percieve yourself to have become is not gonna help you. You need to start looking for the positives in what you do and who you are. Instead of 'i am bitter,' think 'i have an amazing opportunity to be proven wrong and find good in things.' I'm not saying you have to walk around blithely spouting rainbows and gumdrops everywhere but a slightly sunshinier take on things can work wonders. As for your clinical depression, with time and help you CAN beat it, or at least make it manageable. But if you feel yourself going that way again then you need to see someone who can help about it.
From one depression-ridden soul to another.
xxx