Jealousy in friendships / partnerships

[Aquarius]

Right, now I get to write some more.
Before I get to the point, let me get back to the terms: Don't you usually say "Now you make me jealous!" when your friend shares a desirable experience (holiday photos, etc)? Just trying to understand the right use of that term.

Now back on topic:
The funny thing is, I actually hadn't thought of this thread as one about my own issues.
I thought of envy of a more global (rather than an own, individual) thing. Thanks for highlighting that I feel envious mostly because of my low self-esteem, my own unhappiness about my life, that sometimes reaches the extent of self-contempt. These feelings get stronger before deadlines, i.e. the end of the year + my approaching (40th) birthday. That's usually the times when I "get the bill" about what I - once again - haven't achieved in the last year.
[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] yes, I had that before - I was stopped. When I was in my 20s, I always thought I'd have a future in making music. It defined me, it was my identity. Then someone in my social circle got successful with his music. It stopped me. I lost a major part of my identity. That's 8 years ago, and I haven't recovered from it, I mean I never got as active in music again, as I used to be before. Suddenly, he was "the songwriter", and noone thought of me as a songwriter anymore, obviously because I haven't achieved anything with it.

Sure, I know as a fact that people have been envious on me before. I didn't feel comfortable with that either.
That's why I tried to describe this envy feeling as a relative thing (active envy / passive envy), but you are right, you "cought" me. I unconciously started this thread because of my underlying issues that resonated with this topic.

The night before I had this party with some friends and people I haven't met before, and some of them talked about going to (and meeting in) distant cities like it's the most normal thing on earth, oh yeah, like "see you in Tokyo", "see you in New York", "do you remember our last time in Sydney?" while I can hardly afford travelling within Europe once a year.

But then, I also understand these people. It's not like I'm blaming them for making me feel bad. Cos if you experience something nice / desirable, of course you want to share it. Is that bragging? Making your friends envious? But in consequence, if you want to avoid bragging / making someone envious, does it necessarily mean you are only allowed to share just your negative experiences? Surely things shouldn't be like that either.

And I know there are people who can hardly afford travelling anywhere... or even hardly afford surviving.

That's why I began to wonder if a friendship or even partnership with uneven "backgrounds" is possible at all, without envy, without that feeling to be looked down upon.

Right, again, it's that time of the year. Deadlines. I can't change anything about 2015 anymore. I can't change myself in my 30s anymore. Explains why these feelings get stronger these days, and at the same time, I - yes - feel stopped. It's like viewing life as a race, and you left your track and just sit in the audience and watch others reach their goals, because you forgot how to run.

Now that 2016 and my 40s are approaching quickly, I have to find my way back to my track without watching others partying beyond their goals. Does that mean I have to stop socialising though? How can I break that vicious circle - obviously I must be able to socialise... but that again leads me back to my initial thread question, in other words:

Socialising with people, how to get rid of that stupid envy?

[MikeW]

...Don't you usually say "Now you make me jealous!" when your friend shares a desirable experience (holiday photos, etc)?

No, I don't. But even if I did, I'd be using the word incorrectly.

Native English speakers often use words incorrectly. Most commonly mixing up "there" and "their" or "your" and "you're," for example. Just saying, just because a lot of people do it, doesn't make it proper English.

I'm not trying to be overly picky. But you titled your thread "Jealousy in friendships / partnerships" ... which IMMEDIATELY led me (and others) to think this topic was about feelings of jealousy... that is, feelings that one's relationship (friend / partner) were threatened or in jeopardy. But as I read your OP, I realized that's not what this thread is actually about. It's actually about feelings of ENVY among friends and partners. That's a totally different topic. SO.. I was simply clarifying that for everyone.

...Now that 2016 and my 40s are approaching quickly, I have to find my way back to my track without watching others partying beyond their goals. Does that mean I have to stop socialising though? How can I break that vicious circle - obviously I must be able to socialise... but that again leads me back to my initial thread question, in other words:

Socialising with people, how to get rid of that stupid envy?

Well, again, to me it isn't a problem--something to be gotten rid of--unless my envy STOPS me. I'm sorry to hear that your artistic career didn't go the way you would have liked and that you have a friend who has had more success and become "the song writer" in the eyes of your circle. I can understand that disappointment. I can understanding envying his talent and his success. You'd like to have that for yourself. You regret that you don't have it.

But the problem here is that you're basing your sense of self and self worth, you self-esteem, and in this particular instance, your whole "identity," on what someone else has done. THIS is the real problem. That you envy him is understandable. BUT to give up your own interest in song writing because he achieved commercial success and you did not, is actually to do yourself and your art a disservice. Any art -- I don't care what art form it is -- any art has to do with self expression... with creating something that you want to share with the world. The thing is, not all art is appreciated. There are right now, and have always been, truly great artists who do not receive either commercial or social recognition for their art.

SO... should they stop creating their art? Should they stop seeing themselves as artists because others don't recognize them as such? I don't think so... not if it MEANS something to them. As long as THEY are getting something out of the creative act, then they are artists and they should continue... even if they never gain commercial success or social recognition.Their art is for THEM and perhaps a few other people who know them, and that's that.

So now you're turning 40 and some part of you looks around and compares yourself with others your age who have achieved more with their lives. Thus you end up feeling one-down, inferior, "less than" them.

That is the problem.

What to do about it? For you I can't say. All I can tell you is that if you continue basing our own sense of identity and self-worth on OTHER people, you will be unhappy. Your happiness is not ANYONE else's responsibility. Its yours. That's true for all of us. I don't know if your successful song writing friend feels happy with himself or his life or not. But I can tell you, if he is basing his happiness on his commercial and social success, he will eventually become VERY unhappy. Why? Because such success usually does not last a lifetime. Artists, especially "pop" or "popular" artists, come into favor and then go out of favor. They're like a fashion or a style. OTOH, if his happiness is based within himself, based on his own feelings of self-worth as a human being, whether or not his art is commercially and socially successful will have little affect on his happiness.

Does this make sense? I don't know how you can work on this in yourself but I hope you at least understand what I'm saying. Your happiness is up to you. No one else.

[AlfredM]

Well, of course I do get envious of others from time to time, especially since there are so many things I still could improve. I try to not compare my life so much with others, and live whatever I have currently to its best. The same applies whether in friendship or relationship. After all, each of us is unique.

[Beaux]

I do not compete with others. Neither do I feel envious of others success or possessions. If someone has something I want, I do my best to get something like it.

Now in a relationship that seems uneven, I tend to go out of my way to make the person who has less feel as though they are equal. If it is their turn to pay for lunch, I choose an inexpensive restaurant and order a salad, for example, if it is a friend-ship type relationship.

In love relationships, I share everything and expect the same. No separate checking accounts, no seperate property. Period. My money is "our money", his money is "our money". I have never dated a man who didn't agree to conform to these rules, and I never will.

~Beaux

[Aquarius]

It just doesn't stop. Seems I am getting a test or so.
Just today, one friend posted that he bought a place on an island, and another friend posted a congratulations card that he's among the worldwide top earners of his company.

This is enough for me. I decided to take a break from Facebook.

[Anocxu]

It just doesn't stop. Seems I am getting a test or so.
Just today, one friend posted that he bought a place on an island, and another friend posted a congratulations card that he's among the worldwide top earners of his company.

This is enough for me. I decided to take a break from Facebook.

Or...
Its a cue for you to get motivated to get things done to better your life.

The energy you are investing in being resentful, jealous and avoidant should be applied to hatching a better version of yourself.

[azulai]

Envy is something I don’t let in because I fully embrace that I made certain decisions. Do I get frustrated with myself, the result of choices, or bang my head against my desk and say, ‘why did you do THAT?’ Yes, but the thing is getting back on my path. My dad use to always tell me 'keep your eyes on you, don’t worry about what others are doing or have.’ I always go back to that. I know I have to move at my own pace, live my own life.

I view life as a journey and see all of us traveling down various roads. I love to see the intersections and who I meet at various crossroads. I try to learn from paths other people have taken different from my own, or even that I don’t particularly want to travel. But the important thing is to always learn.

I think you are trying to compare your mile marker 10 with say someone else’s mile marker 110. You are missing out on the sights and scenery of your journey because you want someone else’s view/someone else’s path. You have to try to enjoy the bumps, ruts, and detours of your particular path. Live your own life. Sure, there are moments or even years where we feel like we tend to go in circles and that others have a well paved road while ours is full of speed bumps, but that’s all about perception -- and what you are going to make of it.

Anyway, you may need to choose a different path, or go on an adventure, take a risk, find a different route. The thing is, it’s important to own the decisions made in the past and move forward. You can’t just stop.

++++++

In my relationship, it is about an us. We don’t compete against each other. It wouldn’t be healthy if there was jealousy or envy. I don’t recommend getting in a relationship until you have those issues worked out. My partner and I do not have equal backgrounds in terms of family support, financially and emotionally. I admire what he’s done with his life and career despite his idiot family. He appreciates and respects the support my family has given me and now him.

[Anocxu]

[MENTION=12936]azulai[/MENTION]

That Was Beautiful. .

[meridannight]

i don't know...i've never felt less privileged from anybody.

i think you are confusing jealousy with envy. you can be envious of other people's possessions, liberty, life style, etc. but that's not jealousy. jealousy is when you don't like your friend/lover being with some other people who you may feel share something special with him.

jealousy is always wrong in friendships/relationships. i don't see any circumstance where it can be said to be right. it may originate naturally, as an emotion, but the actions it causes...the person needs to learn to control those impulses, because it is not within your right to tell another person who he can or cannot, should or should not be friends with. and this is just some generic scenario. jealousy doesn't always express itself in an explicit recognizable way like that. it can be more subconscious.

it's alright to feel whatever it is you're feeling, we're all human beings. but jealousy is one of those things that needs to be controlled. just like when you're feeling violent. just like you (by far) mostly need to check your impulse of wanting to punch someone in the gut, you also need you check your jealous tendencies and trust your friend/partner.

[Aquarius]

Yeah, I know now, I am really sorry but I can't edit my opening post / topic anymore. I only meant envy, not jealousy.
It got lost in translation, as I obviously picked the wrong English word for the German word that I meant.