A bit of sad feelings for my ex (gay partner)
01-06-2016, 05:59 AM
Hi all!
I am looking for some advice as I still feel sad for my ex particularly for how things developed. My ex and I were together for 11 years, we enjoyed many aspects of life as we both grew up in our careers and our personal lives. I would say we enjoyed life for the most part of that time, however, we ended our relationship abruptly last summer.
The reasons for the breakup are many, we no longer shared common goals, he was constantly moaning about our life as a settled couple, I was complaining about his sometimes controlling behaviour, our families exerted some influence in our social lives so we had very little face to face time and of course, our sex life was limited or non existent towards the end of the relationship.
Financial arrangements also played a role as I payed for almost all of the expenses related to building our dream house. He was in charge of groceries but he was getting far too much wine and expensive delicacies. This led to financial problems for him and I was often covering his expenses. We earned the same amount per month so I was perplexed for his lack of financial skills, he never wanted a shared budget or get educated in financial matter. I have to mention he decided to relocate and quit a rather good job to be together, this happened about 5 years ago. In the end we both had good jobs with a good salary.
One of the constants in the past 2 years was his desire for a threesome. We are both in our early 40s and he use to say that if we decided for a threesome we had to do it very soon. I disagreed to this since we had had a rather good sex life which in the last couple of years was rare or non-existent. I did not look for sex outside of the relationship while our relationship lasted but I must confess I was suffering on this respect. I talked to him about it but he was often dismissive and use to say he just was not interested in it or did not feel the energy to do it. He looked OK with the lack of sex but was very attracted to the threesome thing, I thought of it as his fantasy. One day he managed to almost bring a younger guy home but I said no as I felt betrayed by this behaviour. He really seemed to want a threesome.
So, last summer, I was really needing him when he showed me Grindr and the variety of men we could be bedding that very night if we wanted. I felt rather uncomfortable and asked him to delete the app immediately, which he did. After this he kept on asking about the threesome and in a moment of desperation, thinking we could have our sex life back, I agreed to one threesome.
After the first threesome I felt different, I no longer felt "his", or exclusive and I did not fully enjoy the experience. I have to say I did not finish and found the whole thing impersonal. He, on the other hand, finished and felt very happy after it. Since I agreed to it I could sleep that night and was OK with it. After this, he seemed to have liked the experience and asked me if I wanted another one, I said yes so he (I stress it as he was in control of the app on his mobile phone) hooked up with different guys, we ended up having 4 "guests" in about 10 days time.
Things started spiralling out of control when I greeted our 4th guest 10 days after. I immediately felt very attracted to him. We 3 started having a chat and then we ended up in bed, my partner left very soon after and I lost control of the time the third and I spent together but it was to me the most gratifying experience in a long time. After that night, my ex told me he wanted to open up the relationship, that it was OK if our new guest became our third wheel so to speak. I was definitely on board with the idea and I started courting our new lover.
Needless to say, my partner became my ex one month after this. He threatened to leave me for at least five times without actually doing it. Every time he threatened me I was moving one step away from him and two closer to my new partner. Things became ugly as my ex made some scenes in front of my family, he asked me to leave (my) house and go live with my parents while he found a proper place to live, etc. I did so while having counselling but my ex's behaviour became extreme and I often feared he would hit me, he was really jealous and I don't blame him. My ex even made responsible for having "ruined" his life.
I became closer to my new partner who is much more compatible with me. He is kind, respectful and is not at all controlling. We talked about the facts regarding the way we met and we agreed to date as boyfriends for the time being. It has been 5 months since my ex partner left and I occasionally hear about him. He seems rather upset, still, and quite hurt for what happened. I normally do not feel guilty but there are occasions when I do, particularly because I am having a very happy time myself. We broke all communication and it seems I am moving on nicely into this fantastic, new, fresh and happy relationship.
I apologise for a rather long thread, I am writing this so I can vent a little bit as sometimes I feel rather sad for my ex's situation. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes part of my house remind me of my ex. When my new boyfriend comes, however, I forget about my ex and we have a rather good time together. I do not feel guilty as I know he looked for it by seeking a threesome so eagerly, we were both very naive by not setting precise rules and unfortunately (for my ex) what my new partner and I feel is very strong!
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will the sad feeling for the ex go? Am I going too fast into my new relationship? If someone has been in a similar situation, how it ended up for you and your ex?
I am looking for some advice as I still feel sad for my ex particularly for how things developed. My ex and I were together for 11 years, we enjoyed many aspects of life as we both grew up in our careers and our personal lives. I would say we enjoyed life for the most part of that time, however, we ended our relationship abruptly last summer.
The reasons for the breakup are many, we no longer shared common goals, he was constantly moaning about our life as a settled couple, I was complaining about his sometimes controlling behaviour, our families exerted some influence in our social lives so we had very little face to face time and of course, our sex life was limited or non existent towards the end of the relationship.
Financial arrangements also played a role as I payed for almost all of the expenses related to building our dream house. He was in charge of groceries but he was getting far too much wine and expensive delicacies. This led to financial problems for him and I was often covering his expenses. We earned the same amount per month so I was perplexed for his lack of financial skills, he never wanted a shared budget or get educated in financial matter. I have to mention he decided to relocate and quit a rather good job to be together, this happened about 5 years ago. In the end we both had good jobs with a good salary.
One of the constants in the past 2 years was his desire for a threesome. We are both in our early 40s and he use to say that if we decided for a threesome we had to do it very soon. I disagreed to this since we had had a rather good sex life which in the last couple of years was rare or non-existent. I did not look for sex outside of the relationship while our relationship lasted but I must confess I was suffering on this respect. I talked to him about it but he was often dismissive and use to say he just was not interested in it or did not feel the energy to do it. He looked OK with the lack of sex but was very attracted to the threesome thing, I thought of it as his fantasy. One day he managed to almost bring a younger guy home but I said no as I felt betrayed by this behaviour. He really seemed to want a threesome.
So, last summer, I was really needing him when he showed me Grindr and the variety of men we could be bedding that very night if we wanted. I felt rather uncomfortable and asked him to delete the app immediately, which he did. After this he kept on asking about the threesome and in a moment of desperation, thinking we could have our sex life back, I agreed to one threesome.
After the first threesome I felt different, I no longer felt "his", or exclusive and I did not fully enjoy the experience. I have to say I did not finish and found the whole thing impersonal. He, on the other hand, finished and felt very happy after it. Since I agreed to it I could sleep that night and was OK with it. After this, he seemed to have liked the experience and asked me if I wanted another one, I said yes so he (I stress it as he was in control of the app on his mobile phone) hooked up with different guys, we ended up having 4 "guests" in about 10 days time.
Things started spiralling out of control when I greeted our 4th guest 10 days after. I immediately felt very attracted to him. We 3 started having a chat and then we ended up in bed, my partner left very soon after and I lost control of the time the third and I spent together but it was to me the most gratifying experience in a long time. After that night, my ex told me he wanted to open up the relationship, that it was OK if our new guest became our third wheel so to speak. I was definitely on board with the idea and I started courting our new lover.
Needless to say, my partner became my ex one month after this. He threatened to leave me for at least five times without actually doing it. Every time he threatened me I was moving one step away from him and two closer to my new partner. Things became ugly as my ex made some scenes in front of my family, he asked me to leave (my) house and go live with my parents while he found a proper place to live, etc. I did so while having counselling but my ex's behaviour became extreme and I often feared he would hit me, he was really jealous and I don't blame him. My ex even made responsible for having "ruined" his life.
I became closer to my new partner who is much more compatible with me. He is kind, respectful and is not at all controlling. We talked about the facts regarding the way we met and we agreed to date as boyfriends for the time being. It has been 5 months since my ex partner left and I occasionally hear about him. He seems rather upset, still, and quite hurt for what happened. I normally do not feel guilty but there are occasions when I do, particularly because I am having a very happy time myself. We broke all communication and it seems I am moving on nicely into this fantastic, new, fresh and happy relationship.
I apologise for a rather long thread, I am writing this so I can vent a little bit as sometimes I feel rather sad for my ex's situation. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes part of my house remind me of my ex. When my new boyfriend comes, however, I forget about my ex and we have a rather good time together. I do not feel guilty as I know he looked for it by seeking a threesome so eagerly, we were both very naive by not setting precise rules and unfortunately (for my ex) what my new partner and I feel is very strong!
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Will the sad feeling for the ex go? Am I going too fast into my new relationship? If someone has been in a similar situation, how it ended up for you and your ex?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Capricorn
Libra
![[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
