So I Told My Mother

[Jay]

It's 2.13am and I want to rant. Sorry for grammar stuff cause it's already 2am. I'm tired.

My mother asked for money to fix one of the broken toilets today. I don't have problem to give her money to fix it. I gave my mother several hundreds last week to purchase a new washing machine because the old one broke down.

What bothers me is the person she's calling to fix the house. My parents have been hiring the same repairman for years; even though his work has always been a bit shady to me. Everything that the guy installed or repaired broke apart after several months. His charge was ridiculously expensive.

"Are you going to hire the same person again to fix it?" I sighed. I feel like I'm going to waste money by giving it to the repairman.

"Then who else can we hire??!! Your dad and I don't know anyone else. And we don't know if we can trust other repairmen." She claimed.

Sigh. There are countless of repairmen out there. My mom in particular just doesn't want a non Muslim repairman to enter the house. My mom has a thing with non Muslims ever since she becomes religious. My Chinese friend once wanted to introduce a Chinese repairman to fix our house but my mother said no. Even after the Chinese guy offers a lower charge.

My mother is relying on me because I'm the most financially stable in the family. I have my full time job as well as my freelance job so I make quite a lot of money. Okay, my big brother has the highest income in the family but he recently has spent a lot of money for his marriage, new house and pregnant wife.

My younger brother just finished a course to be a kindergarten teacher and currently unemployed. My sister who was making her PHD just got a temporary job as a teacher in an Islamic international school. She was jobless for almost 2 years because she delayed her PHD due to sorry to say, laziness. She was busy watching KPOP (South Korean Pop) on TV and laptop every single day.

Me. I'm saving my money as much as possible in my bank account to purchase my first car and to pay the cost of my last 3 surgeries. I previously spent about $15k for my last surgeries, post surgeries etc. I want to finish my remaining surgeries for god sake.

My mother always said to my siblings that we are short of cash. I love my parents but that's what happened when you mismanaged money. Can you imagine, my dad was a trade commissioner for our country and we used to live in a huge mansion with 4 maids, 2 drivers and so on. And now our bank accounts are literally dried out. My family relies on my dad's monthly pension. His pension is not a lot.

My big brother who resides far away from our family home questioned my mother on that. "You always said that we're short of cash but you guys often spend money on unnecessary things like buying fast food or go shopping every week."

For once in my life, I actually agreed with my big brother. I never understood that. While my big brother and I haven't spoken to each other for almost 20 years; I can tell that he was also a bit suffocated by our family's drama.

I sighed to my mom. 'I'm saving my money for a car and surgeries...how much do you need to fix it?"

"I don't know. The repairman is currently calculating the cost. Look if you don't want to give money to fix it, fine. Just don't go amok with me. Your dad just threw tantrum on your sister and me. I'll sell my jewelry to pay the cost." She went. There she goes with her reverse psychology.

And there she goes again with her favorite exaggerating word; Amok. I didn't even raise my voice to her. I did sigh but that was about it. She likes to say my father and I go amok when we disagreed with her. I find that to be so irritating. I don't if she knows the actual impact of misusing the word, Amok.

My mother then left the house with my big sister and younger brother to a night market.

I was so hurt by her. But I thought as her son, I should apologize to her.

So I gave her a call. She answered but she wasn't able to hear my voice. So she hung up her phone. Or so she thought she did. She didn't. I was able to hear her voice.

She was talking to my sister about me. "Oh...now he wants to give a call to whatever it is."

Typical of my mother. She likes to talk about a person behind the person's back. She called my sister a lazy daughter to me but she wouldn't say it to my sister. She talked bad about my dad to everyone even when when my dad is sitting close to her (My dad has hearing problem so he can't hear properly). She talks bad about my younger brother, big brother, her sisters and so on. I caught my mother talked bad about me several times before.

"That does it. I can't stand it anymore." I thought.

So I sent my mother a text message via my Iphone because she likes to send religious stuff and silly videos to my phone. Every single day.

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Dear Mom,

I gave you a call to apologize and to tell you that I am fine to give $500 to you. Unfortunately you were not able to hear my voice but I was able to hear yours. You probably forgot to hang up your phone properly.

I heard everything you said about me to my sister. You talked bad about me.

You told us on how hurt you were when others talked bad about you. But did it ever occur to you that I have feelings too? You hurt my feelings by talking bad about me behind my back.

You told me to follow Islamic teaching and to read the Quran. Well the Quran says you shouldn't talk bad of a person to people around you. The Quran says don't talk unless you plan to say something good and nice.

But you hurt me by talking bad about me.

Let me tell you something. Do you know that I used to despise my face and avoided seeing mirrors for years because of you. You said that I have a sunken face? You keep reminding me that every single year. Our relatives eventually agreed with you and said the same thing to me. Strange thing is my friends and neighbors thought I have a beautiful face.

But good words don't matter when your own mother says otherwise. You destroyed my heart for years. I lost my confidence and self esteem. I hated myself because of what you said. You make me think that I'm ugly and unattractive.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by saying all these. But have you ever thought of mine even once? It's not a good thing to talk bad about a person behind that person's back. Do you want me to speak bad about our family to all of my friends? I'm sure you don't.

You are fortunate because you can talk bad about me to my sister, younger brother and relatives. But I don't have that luxury. I always end up crying in my bedroom or in the gym.

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As I said, my big brother lives in his own house. My younger also has his own (He lives with his housemate). I decided to stay with my parents and sister because ...sorry to say, I am the most responsible son in the family. I decided not to move out because my dad is not doing so well as he has several illnesses. Someone has to be around in the house and to drive to hospital just in case (knock wood). My sister doesn't drive.

But I begin to think maybe it's time to be a bit selfish and move out. I love my parents but I'm so sick of mom's attitude of talking bad on everyone and self pity like she's not guilty in anything.

I haven't checked my phone to see if she replies my text message.

And now I'm talking bad about my family to others. God, this is so frustrating.

Nite.

[MikeW]

It's a typical story in many ways. I hope it is helpful to tell the tale and get it off your chest. Nothing is going to change. Ever. So, either you just go on 'dealing' with it as you have been or you chose to change your living situation for yourself. I vote for the latter. You're old enough to be living on your own. Why aren't you? And don't give me it's because you feel obligated to help your family. Fine. Define "help". Is "help" giving them everything they want? Is "help" denying yourself and your own self-interest? You mother made a threat to sell her own jewelry. I'd say, fine, better you waste your wealth than mine, mom. Have at it. See what she says to that. Tell her to not go running amok with it. See if she finds that as irritating as you do. Just get even and get out of that house.

(I confess to not being objective here. I get very irritated with family drama stories. For adults, they should be easy enough to 'fix'. Just stop playing the 'I owe my family' game. It's a trap. A 'hook' [psychologically speaking]. It's meant to hook you into never letting go... Never moving on... Never being your own man. Guilt. Kill it while it sleeps. You'll never please them or make them happy precisely because the only person you can truly make happy is yourself. And if you're not doing that, then you're wasting your and everyone else's time.)

[trywait]

it's ok to rant jay!


but that's family dynamics for you.

cant say I don't have issues with my own family, but yea...we all have issues.

virtual [MENTION=21041]Jay[/MENTION]

[Anocxu]

Do you think you were talking bad about your parents?

Absolutely not..
You described the events exactly how they happened ~>without<~ embellishing the details with slander or hate.

Now..
I am going to say a few things and I need you to understand. .
There is not an ounce of disrespect on my part ..no matter how these words sound.

*Parents know how to manipulate their children*

Your mom knows you are her teddy bear so you will probably get the brunt of "The Good and The Bad"

From what you have written your Mother loves to justify her conclusions by gossiping... on the other hand she keeps it in the family. .lol

The sunken in face comment got me extremely angry for a minute..but ..out of respect for your mom. . I'd just tone my thoughts down say ...that is awful..it's wrong...
You are a genetic extension of her.. so if she ever decides to criticize you again.. your respectful words should be..

"Mom.. you gave birth to me".."When you look at me you are looking in the mirror"..and leave it at that.

So your parents were once privileged and have not completely adjusted to "Downsizing "?..
You do realize non of this is your responsibility. .?
I agree you should help ..but try to do so without enabling your folks. .

You have your whole life ahead to plan for.. Stop letting your folks manipulate you.

Giant hugs.

[Insertnamehere]

Move out, care for your needs, care for your dad in the possible ways.

Beyond that, remove the toxic elements of your life. Your mom seems like one of those.

[Jay]

Appreciate your thoughts and advice on this matter. I believe all of you are right.

vote for the latter. You're old enough to be living on your own. Why aren't you? And don't give me it's because you feel obligated to help your family.

Well my dad was sent to a hospital last year due to tumor. He had a surgery and becomes slightly weak afterward. But he looks a bit better now as he can walk without a cane anymore. Apart from tumor, my dad has gout arthritis.

I guess I feel like I owe to them because they took care of me when I had my first three surgeries. My parents personally cleaned me out on the hospital bed every day. I had to take a dump in my bed because I wasn't allowed to move my body and out of bed for two weeks (per surgery).

But I agree with everyone has said. You guys are right, I should move out.

I'm going to purchase a car next month follows with moving out. I hope everything can be done within these few months.

I think I've done my part as a son very well. I shouldn't feel like I owe them. I need to worry about my own life more especially at this age. I'm also agnostic and opposite of what my family members have become (religious); so I need to move out as I don't want to be tangled by their faith. I still can drive home if they need my help with my dad or something.

As for my mom criticizing my face; I'm fine now. It messed up my head for years but I now can accept that I have a nice looking face. It took a lot of efforts to straighten back my head. I'm not fully recovered but in overall, I'm doing okay.

My parents are nice folks but I guess, parents will always be parents. My mom apart of her tendency to gossip is a loving mom. But i'm still deeply 'angry' with my family's religion as Islam changes my family completely. We used to be so different in many ways. I blame the religion for destroying my family apart.

Thanks again everyone. Don't worry, I will move out within this year.

[LJay]

I don't guess that I should say much about the family issues. I have them myself. In spite of the fact that may parents and older brother are gone now and it is only my sister and me left, I still have tons of family baggage. Always will have. Do your best to be fair and loving.

What I can say is something about that toilet. If it is the toilet itself and not the drain below it that is the problem, get yourself on the internet and figure out how to fix it. Toilets are not complicated. You will find how-to-do-it videos and all kinds of instructions. If that is not a possibity then your mother should talk to her friends about who they use for repairs. This may be one of the few really good things about religious associations. People can share information. She can ask her friends who the best Islamic plumber is and how much they charge. She might even enjoy the project.

Good luck, Jay. You are a good guy and you should be proud of supporting your aging parents. You do need your own life, though, and you should not feel bad about making that happen.

[Jay]

Apparently the ceiling under the bathroom leaks too. The bathroom is in my sister's bedroom. The repairman quoted $1800. I didn't bother to protest. I gave out $500 and was planning to give another $500. But my mother said my sister will shell out $1000 since it's hers and my mother will pay the balance.

But I will talk to my mother tomorrow; I will pay off the balance. She doesn't need to use her money.

While I know that I didn't do anything wrong with the text message, I didn't find comfort with it. So today I confronted my mother to apologize. My sister still upset with me but that's fine.

I apologize because I don't want to depart from my family in a bad way. I want to move out in the nicest way possible. If I leave in a harsh manner, it only creates negative impression, assumption and more.

Frankly I am quite embarrassed for posting this whole family drama but I had to release my frustration. Apology.

I appreciate your thoughts and advice. Much appreciated.